You sure man? (redefining stupid)

"Oh this isn't good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters said, 'Are you sure this isn't something a seven-dollar bill can't get me out of?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee." --Jimmy Fallon

"Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush announced he is against medical marijuana in the state because it could hurt the tourism industry. Then Jamaica was like, 'You sure man?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sometimes I forget I'm driving a car (You gotta be WAY more specific)

I saw that a life-sized statue of President Trump was just installed on a park bench here in New York. Even pigeons were like, “I’m gonna take my business elsewhere.” –Jimmy Fallon

You know the band Belle and Sebastian? Well, they accidentally left the drummer behind at a Walmart in his pajamas, with no phone or wallet. So they called Walmart to see if there was a guy wandering around in his PJs with no phone or wallet, and Walmart said, “You gotta be WAY more specific.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But you can fool enough of them to rule a large country (teammates)

It was announced that “Space Jam 2” is in the works, and the movie will star LeBron James. It’ll feature LeBron playing with a bunch of make-believe teammates — or as LeBron calls them, “teammates.” –Jimmy Fallon

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery (Unfortunately, once you get inside you can't find your way out)

 

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

"It was announced today that George Bush's childhood home in Texas has been turned into a museum. Unfortunately, once you get inside you can't find your way out." --Jay Leno

 

"Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at his old high school in Casper, Wyoming, last weekend. He told graduating seniors to aim high because if they didn't, they might shoot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000? (Oh Snap!)

But before all this got out, Donald Trump’s campaign tried to keep Omarosa quiet by offering her $180,000 in hush money. When Stormy Daniels heard that, she was like, “Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000?” --Jimmy Fallon

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee." --Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry is fueling speculation that he'll run in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair. Unfortunately, he hurt his chances by holding a two-hour conversation with that butter sculpture of Kevin Costner." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking (The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks)

The co-founder of Home Depot recently announced that he is supporting Donald Trump. He wasn't planning to, but when your colors are orange and white, you kind of have to go with Donald. –Jimmy Fallon

James Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I mean nothing symbolizes America more than... (Linda's Crotch Road)

Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Donald Trump by almost 20 points. But he still has a great story. I mean nothing symbolizes America more than the son of poor immigrants growing up to run for president and being crushed by a billionaire. –Jimmy Fallon

7-Eleven will hold its second annual “Bring Your Own Cup Day,” where it will give customers a discounted Slurpee as long as they bring in any container resembling a cup. In a related story, Home Depot just sold out of trash cans. –Jimmy Fallon

A town in Maine is facing pressure to rename a street called Katie's Crotch Road. Lawmakers said that they understood people's concerns and announced the street's new name: Linda's Crotch Road. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was so cold, hot dog vendors were complaining about shrinkage (I want to be like mommy!)

Let's get to some news here. Today is day 31 of the government shutdown. Now that the shutdown is over 30, Democrats are just hoping Trump will start to lose interest. --Jimmy Fallon

Well, you guys, it was just five degrees in New York City today. It was so cold, hot dog vendors were complaining about shrinkage. --Jimmy Fallon

At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a “weak-kneed capitulator in chief." When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, "Of course I do — it's one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty (He's so conservative...)

“How conservative is he? Rick Santorum won't even take soda in the can.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he won't even go to Home Depot to get wood. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is conservative; he's so conservative he won't even use a weed whacker. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

"He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean." –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.” –Jay Leno

"This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a pitcher and a catcher." –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

"Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, but the look on your face was priceless (Being sold to the masses by a corporate elite)

September 2013

"The U.N. General Assembly is here in New York City. Today, President Obama gave a big speech on the Middle East. The leaders from the Middle East said, 'You have touched our hearts, and from now on we shall have peace.' And Obama said, 'Really?' and they said, 'No, but the look on your face was priceless.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Home Depot just announced that that it will cut health insurance for its part-time workers because of Obamacare. Home Depot's CEO said he had a hard time breaking the news to employees. That's because it took him three hours to find one." –Jimmy Fallon

"Russian President Vladimir Putin just revealed he may run for a fourth term in 2018. In fact, he already came up with a few campaign posters. One says, 'I will put middle-class families first — on bus to Siberia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Another Putin poster said, 'Putin in 2018, whether you vote or not.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But since I was able to surprise you . . . you're fired (Neither side works for you)

October 2011

"Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, 'You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you . . . you're fired.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot." –Jimmy Fallon 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He looks like Hannibal Lecter when he stole a different person’s face to escape from prison (but hair looks good)

“Over the weekend, a photo of a windswept President Trump revealed a high-contrast tan line ringing his face, which he later claimed was doctored after it spread across social media. The photo shows a clear border between Trump’s bronzer and the stolen cadaver skin that enshrouds the remainder of his head. He looks like Hannibal Lecter when he stole a different person’s face to escape from prison.” —Stephen Colbert

"He looks like he just got hit in the face with a pumpkin pie. He looks like he stuck his head in a volcano. He looks like a paint sample card from Home Depot.” —Jimmy Fallon

“As you see from this very real photo of Trump arriving at the White House on Friday with the wind exposing his hairline, he looks just like he went to the beach wearing a dog cone. Trump only cares about the top 1 percent, even when he’s applying sunscreen to his face. Looks like he stuck his face in an empty bag of Doritos and sucked up the dust.” —Seth Meyers

“Now, for some reason Trump was upset about this photo, so he tweeted, ‘More fake news. This was photoshopped, obviously, but the wind was strong and the hair looks good? Anything to demean!’ You know things are bad when Trump is thanking the wind. His hair and the wind do not have great history together. And what does that mean? And ‘hair looks good?’ That’s the definition of narcissism. [Imitating Trump] My face looks like I got a chemical peel at Jiffy Lube, but hair looks good.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

My man, you’ve built a door (any other guy named Dwayne)

“Just after Trump bragged about his super wall, we learned that smugglers have been cutting through the new border wall with basic tools that you can buy at any hardware store. And I wouldn’t be shocked if the guys at Home Depot showed the smugglers how to do it because — because those guys will help you with any project. Yeah, they don’t judge.” --Trevor Noah

“For four years, this guy told us this wall would be impenetrable. But now he’s like, ‘Of course you can cut through anything.’ In a span of a few hours, the wall went from Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson to literally any other guy named Dwayne.” --Trevor Noah

“[imitating Trump] You’ve got to have a see-through wall because if the wall is not see-through, the only way to know what’s on the other side is by yelling ‘Marco’ and hope they yell ‘Polo.’ That’s the only way. But some Mexicans aren’t named Marco. A lot of people don’t know that, folks.” --Trevor Noah

“And also, if Trump is saying he built it on purpose to be something that’s easy to open and then close, it isn’t a wall. My man, you’ve built a door.” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

At this point, think of anything, and there's probably a tape of Trump doing it (Great Job Debbie)

Omarosa's new book "Unhinged" is out. And it's already an Amazon best-seller. That's just because Trump frantically bought up all the copies so no one can read it. --Jimmy Fallon

On "Fox & Friends" this morning, Brian Kilmeade said that Omarosa had outsmarted Trump. But to be fair, Trump also been outsmarted by the child safety locks in his limo. --Jimmy Fallon

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders couldn't guarantee that there's no tape of Trump using racial slurs. Sarah said, "At this point, think of anything, and there's probably a tape of Trump doing it." --Jimmy Fallon

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The 714 brave Americans Bush doesn't want you to see (I didn't even know she was Republican)

"All right, enough about Larry Craig. In heterosexual news, the Government Accountability Office says that things are not improving in Iraq, despite what the administration says. They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks that they said they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic it's going over there, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab. Of course I'm kidding about that now. No, the rumor about her now is that she was caught having doing drugs and having sex in a toilet with a male patient. I didn't even know she was Republican." --Bill Maher

"Alberto Gonzales resigned this week. Our Attorney Generalisimo. President Bush said he was looking for a replacement, someone equally versed in the law. In fact, he's out front of Home Depot right now picking up some guys." --Bill Maher

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

the first-ever nut ball trifecta (dream weekend)

"After he left the United States last week, the Iranian president met with the president of Venezuela. You know, if we could have just gotten Kim Jong-il down there, we could have had the first-ever nut ball trifecta." --Jay Leno

"Here's an interesting story: A man in New York is now suing Home Depot, claiming he became glued to a toilet seat. He was glued to the toilet seat and could not move. Or, as Idaho Senator Larry Craig called it, 'a dream weekend.'" --Jay Leno

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

when your colors are orange and white, you kind of have to go with Donald

The president has a lot going on as he wraps up his term in office, including the construction of his presidential library in Chicago. It will be a place devoted entirely to Obama and his achievements — or as that’s also known, MSNBC. –Jimmy Fallon

So much has happened during President Obama's administration. Obamacare was passed. Same-sex marriage was legalized. He worked with 11 other countries to sign the historic Trans-Pacific Partnership. Whereas Donald Trump just walked around Epcot and insulted every country. –Jimmy Fallon

The co-founder of Home Depot recently announced that he is supporting Donald Trump. He wasn't planning to, but when your colors are orange and white, you kind of have to go with Donald. –Jimmy Fallon

and not because he’s … a horse

"Will Herman Cain become the first black President … that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s … a horse." –Stephen Colbert



"Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon



"The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot." –Jimmy Fallon 



John Hulse painting