Mike Pence’s tie was so straight, it made me suspicious (The good news is, I've adopted her)

President Trump began his State of the Union speech with his tie crooked in his jacket. While Mike Pence’s tie was so straight, it made me suspicious. --Colin Jost, SNL

New York City lawmakers have proposed a new law to change the sound of emergency vehicle sirens to resemble those used in Europe. That way you can spend your time in the ambulance pretending you have universal healthcare. --Colin Jost, SNL

"A teenage New Jersey girl found a 20 pound brick of marijuana while cleaning the beach. The good news is, I've adopted her."--Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live

Delta Airlines has introduced a new plane that features windows in the bathroom. Unfortunately, they face into the cabin. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey! What’s that word mean? (What really bothers them...)

January 2022

During a senate committee hearing Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic calling senator Roger Marshall a moron. Replied Marshall, ‘Hey! What’s that word mean?’ —Colin Jost

Delta Airlines said that this winter’s Covid surge cost them more than $400 in cancelled flights after 8,000 employees caught the coronavirus. Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees, because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open. —Colin Jost

Well, just like everyone else, President Biden’s New Year’s resolution feel apart in the third week in January. The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the voting rights bill got blocked and his approval rating is so low it has gone into power save mode. But I will point out that there was another president who had a disastrous start to his first term, yet he became an inspiration to generations of republicans even to this day. I’m talking, of course, about Jefferson Davis. President of the confederacy, and there are still statues of him in ten states. Which, come to think of it, probably explain why the voting rights stuff isn’t working out. The bottom line is, I think Biden just needs more time. He might be more of an acquired taste. And unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

It’s getting so bad that Pizza Rat has taken up water ballet (Is it your problem now?)

September 2021

“The C.E.O. of the airline Delta has revealed he’s still refusing to call it the Delta variant. That’s important, I can totally understand that, because being associated with a communicable disease is not great for business. That’s why stores no longer carry the tasty Syphilis Jam. You remember their motto: ‘Nothing spreads like Syphilis!’” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s undeniable, as it has been for a long time, that climate change is intensifying. Much of the western US has been on fire this summer, wildfire has drifted all across the country and made the air toxic on the east coast, and New York City just had to declare its first ever flash flood emergency. It’s getting so bad that Pizza Rat has taken up water ballet.” —Seth Meyers

“Last week, the World Health Organization deemed Mu a ‘variant of interest’. OK, in the PR world, that’s what we call ‘buzz.’ A ‘variant of interest’ is less dire than ‘variant of concern,’ which is how Delta is categorized. The rating system goes, ‘variant of interest,’ ‘variant of concern,’ ‘variant of pants-crapping’ sometimes called ‘code brown,’ and finally ‘variant of is there any more room on Jeff Bezos’s penis rocket to escape the planet?’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But the good news is that your shampoo might cure Covid (you’ve got to treat people with respect)

April 2021

Delta Airlines, which is based in Atlanta, publicly criticized Georgia’s new restrictive voting laws, and you know you messed up when Delta is like, ‘Hey, you’ve got to treat people with respect.’ —Colin Jost

Donald and Melania Trump have launched a website dedicated to ‘preserving the magnificent legacy of the Trump administration.’ And it will honor the most lasting part of Trump’s legacy by giving your computer an uncontrollable virus. —Colin Jost

Fifteen million doses of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix-up at the factory. But the good news is that your shampoo might cure Covid. —Colin Jost

The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that uses ultra-violet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone Spirit Airlines just taped a Glow-stick to a Roomba. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile (they weren’t awake to see the collision)

July 2011

"Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western 'The Last Stand.' It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name." –Conan O'Brien 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Screwing over the people who defend our right to screw you over (A New President?)

June 2011

"President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears." –Jay Leno

"According to a worldwide survey, the funniest country in the world is America. We are considered the funniest country in the world and Germany is considered the least funny country in the world. How bad is that when you come in behind that laugh riot, Iran?" –Jay Leno

"Delta Airlines charged our soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 excess baggage fees. Delta's new slogan: 'Screwing over the people who defend our right to screw you over.'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Why can't I meet women like this? (Or as Sarah Palin calls that, soup)

"The beautiful star of the TV show 'Mad Men,' January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, 'Why can't I meet women like this?'" –Jay Leno

"Delta Airlines has a new slogan, 'Come fly the greedy skies.' This is unbelievable; Delta Airlines is in trouble now after they charged our U.S. soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 because they had extra baggage. If the TSA isn't grabbing your ass, delta's grabbing your wallet. It's unbelievable." –Jay Leno

"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, 'Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Florida called 911 after she found a bear swimming in her backyard pool. That's right, there was a bear in the water. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'soup.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is a journalist/This is a corporate shill (That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey)

President Trump began his State of the Union speech with his tie crooked in his jacket. While Mike Pence’s tie was so straight, it made me suspicious. --Colin Jost, SNL

A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol.” --Colin Jost, SNL

Police arrested a man who pulled his car off to the side of the road and started to have sex with it. That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey. --Colin Jost, SNL

Delta Airlines has introduced a new plane that features windows in the bathroom. Unfortunately, they face into the cabin. --Colin Jost, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That itself is a tremendous thing (Does this smell bad to you? Try it. Drink it)

Well, today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that due to the shutdown, Trump should postpone his State of the Union address or do it in writing. Which explains why Trump just asked Twitter to raise the character limit to 50,000 words. --Jimmy Fallon

But despite the shutdown, the FDA is trying to restart their inspections of risky foods, though so far it's just one guy going, "Does this smell bad to you? Try it. Drink it." --Jimmy Fallon

And the CEO of Delta said the shutdown has already cost the airline $25 million. He's not that worried, because they'll make it all back if two people pay to check their bags. --Jimmy Fallon

Here’s an odd medical story. A woman in China was recently diagnosed with an extremely rare condition that caused her to lose the ability to hear men’s voices. Doctors offered to treat the woman and she said, “No, I’m good.” She can still hear other women just fine but apparently men’s voices are muted. As a result, Melania Trump asked the woman to cough directly into her mouth. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

nothing builds support for an unpopular war like a trip to Vietnam (someone on board who's actually enjoying their meal)

President Bush right now is trying to gain international support for the war in Iraq. Today he met with leaders from several countries in Vietnam. Experts say that nothing builds support for an unpopular war like a trip to Vietnam. --Conan O’Brien 11/17/2004

A woman is threatening to sue because she was kicked off a Delta Airlines flight for breastfeeding her baby. A spokesperson for Delta said they were sorry but we can't have someone on board who's actually enjoying their meal. --Conan O’Brien 11/17/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Over 40 Million Americans Suffer from Mental Illness (All can access guns)

At the annual meeting of conservatives called CPAC, a woman who criticized Donald Trump was booed and escorted out by security. This is the third time this has happened to Melania. --Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a lot of major companies announced they will be cutting ties with the NRA, including Delta, Hertz, and MetLife. And here’s one that shocked me — today the NRA got dropped by ISIS. --Conan O’Brien

In a fashion show that took place yesterday, Dolce & Gabbana sent their handbags down the runway on drones instead of models. But first, each drone was forced to lose 10 pounds. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Oh, so NOW you'll visit some swing states (giant pythons)

Meanwhile, I saw that Hillary is going on a cross-country tour to promote the book. Then Democrats said, "Oh, so NOW you'll visit some swing states." –Jimmy Fallon

A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, “Eww! He’s TOUCHING the handrail!” –Jimmy Fallon

Delta Airlines just paid a woman $4,000 to give up her seat on an overbooked flight. When asked what she’ll do with the money the woman said, “Buy Spirit Airlines.” –Jimmy Fallon

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

Though when it comes to President Trump, the third time's the charm (Ann Coulter's broomstick)

The Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare has officially fallen apart. But Republicans say they're just going to let Obamacare fail while they regroup and figure out a new plan. And Democrats said, "Hey, that's the same thing we're doing with Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

Republicans announced last night that the latest GOP healthcare plan will not be moving forward, making this the second draft of the bill to fail in the Senate. Though when it comes to President Trump, the third time's the charm. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You.”

American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Astronaut Peggy Whitson set a record for the longest time spent in space by an American astronaut, and got a congratulatory call from President Trump. When Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You.” –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, musician Kenny G was on a Delta flight and gave a brief performance. Passengers are describing the performance as “not brief enough.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Kenny G flies Delta (You never said it could be super-duper)

Trump says now the wall will cost less than $10 billion, but it could be more if he makes it “super-duper.” And taxpayers said, “Wait a second. You never said it could be super-duper.” –Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, Kenny G gave a surprise performance on a Delta flight. Or as United put it, “Touché.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Eh, tell us when they discover beer.

Next month Delta will begin opening company spas at certain airports so that employees can get a massage. And if passengers want a massage, they can just leave their keys in their pockets when they go through security. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, NASA announced that it has finally discovered water on Mars. When they heard, Americans were like, "Eh, tell us when they discover beer." –Jimmy Fallon

There was a time when you COULD do that?

Delta and United Airlines announced this week that they will no longer allow passengers to transport animals that they killed on hunting trips. Which begs the question: "There was a time when you COULD do that?" –Jimmy Fallon 

The Republican presidential debate is tomorrow night. People have already come up with drinking games for it. The most popular game is the one where you skip the debate and go out drinking. –Conan O’Brien

Among the debaters tomorrow night is Ben Carson who is a neurosurgeon. Carson says he's not there to debate, he's there to diagnose exactly what's wrong with Donald Trump. –Conan O’Brien

I'm just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision

"In last night's 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important because it shows the American people that they can really get along and accomplish something when it's meaningless." –Jay Leno



"Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western 'The Last Stand.' It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon 



John Hulse photography

Sarah Palin moved to Arizona, and then the state burst into flames (and the other one’s Donald Duck)

"Delta Airlines charged our soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 excess baggage fees. Delta's new slogan: 'Screwing over the people who defend our right to screw you over.'" –Jay Leno



"Donald Duck & Donald Trump are very different of course. One’s a noisy cartoon character with a feathery a** and the other one’s Donald Duck." –Craig Ferguson



"There a giant fire burning in Arizona, the biggest fire ever in the history of the state. I'm not saying these two things are connected, but a few weeks ago Sarah Palin moved to Arizona, and then the state burst into flames." –Bill Maher 



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain!

"Delta Airlines has a new slogan, 'Come fly the greedy skies.' This is unbelievable; Delta Airlines is in trouble now after they charged our U.S. soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 because they had extra baggage. If the TSA isn't grabbing your ass, delta's grabbing your wallet. It's unbelievable." –Jay Leno



"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, 'Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"A woman in Florida called 911 after she found a bear swimming in her backyard pool. That's right, there was a bear in the water. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'soup.'" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting