It will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ (Onion Rings)

And republicans please stop pretending that this is a Second Amendment issue and just admit that you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean these are your political ads with you holding all kinds of guns. Look at these ads. You look like you’re running for President of ISIS. If you actually cared about the Second Amendment, you would also care about the well regulated militias part. And I don’t know if Mike Pence noticed when they almost hung him two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated. —Colin Jost

Pepsi announced a new Peep’s flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ —Colin Jost

This week, I kind of felt like Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better, but then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases. And background checks are a great start but shouldn’t we also do current checks. Like ‘what are these guys up to now’. Like how much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’d a girl ‘Hey’ thirty times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree that it’s a good idea for you to have a gun. It’s really not that much to ask. You have to list three references on an application to work at Foot Locker. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now you know why I hate the democrats and the republicans (Your move, Shasta!)

March 2022

“Food companies like Starbucks, McDonald’s and Coca-Cola said they would temporarily close their stores in Russia or stop distributing products in protest of Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine. Vladimir Putin has succeeded in uniting the entire free world against Russia One Kremlin spokesperson expressed it in this threatening way: ‘The United States has declared economic war on Russia.’ Thank you for noticing. We feel seen.” —Stephen Colbert

“And with the Golden Arches closing down, Russians are going to have to settle for their local chain, McDostoevsky’s, home of their kids’ meal: the box of sadness. [Sings to the tune of the McDonald’s theme song] ‘Ba, da, ba, ba, da — life’s meaningless.’” —Stephen Colbert

“It looks like all major food brands are ‘Russian’ for the exits. Yesterday, Coca-Cola and Pepsi announced that they will suspend business in Russia. Your move, Shasta!” —Stephen Colbert

“Coke is suspending all of their operations, but Pepsi Co. announced they would continue to sell potato chips and daily essentials such as ‘milk, cheese and baby formula,’ to which Russian babies said, ‘Are you sure you don’t have Coke?’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ (Unfortunately at Subway)

March 2021

During an interview on Fox News Donald Trump lied about the January 6th capital riots saying that his supporters were not attacking officers, but were instead hugging and kissing police. But I’m not surprised that Donald Trump can’t tell the difference between kissing an assault. —Colin Jost

Tuesday was National Puppy Day. Unfortunately at Subway. —Colin Jost

Pepsi announced a new Peep’s flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Big Campaign Donors Freedom of Speech (special needs cowboy)

"True story. I do, I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you've had enough. We're landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day." --David Letterman



"The MTV 'VMAs' last night were hosted by Russell Brand. He hosted their 'Video Music Awards,' and he referred to President Bush, and this caused a big controversy, as a 'retarded cowboy.' Yeah, of course, everyone knows the correct term is 'special needs cowboy.'" --Conan O'Brien



"Today, Barack Obama took his daughters to their first day of school, which was sweet. Yeah. In a related story, John McCain took his daughters to pick up their Social Security checks." --Conan O'Brien



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

but his doctor only gave him two-and-a-half (for some reason that's his new issue)

"Well, as you know, the Democratic Convention is being held this week at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Don't confuse that with John McCain's convention next week, that's at the Polygrip Center, that's totally different." --Jay Leno



"Here's a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in eighty years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him two-and-a-half." --Jay Leno



"And eighty-four year-old Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens won his Senate primary yesterday despite being indicted on corruption charges. He was indicted on corruption charges and he won the primary. He says he wants to get back in the Senate so he can keep working on the new issue most important to him: outlawing prison rape. Yeah, for some reason that's his new issue." --Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

someone left the gate open and Sean Spicer ran away/Adam West (RIP)

First lady Melania Trump and son Barron officially moved into the White House yesterday. Unfortunately, during the move, someone left the gate open and Sean Spicer ran away. –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Americans find former FBI Director James Comey to be more trustworthy than President Trump. Also, more Americans prefer Pepsi to the bottle marked “rat poison.” –Seth Meyers

Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta spoke to the press this afternoon and pushed for wider use of apprenticeship training for people who “learn better by doing.” Of course learning by doing [shows photo of Trump] doesn’t always work for everyone. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

The O'Reilly Factor has lost 2/3 of its advertisers in one week (#Alibi)

Because of the scandals, "The O'Reilly Factor" has lost 2/3 of its advertisers in one week. On the bright side, United Airlines is still with him! –Conan O’Brien

This weekend, Bill Clinton tweeted that he was in Houston visiting Former President George H.W. Bush. However, he ended the tweet with #Alibi. –Conan O’Brien

That video of the doctor being dragged off the plane and then the airline's response to it has turned into an absolute nightmare from a PR standpoint. Even Pepsi was like, I wouldn't want to be you guys this week. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

I don’t think you guys are going to be there for long (Pepsi’s marketing department)

At first, this was a movement without a leader until the protest route just happened to pass by Kendall Jenner doing a fashion shoot for aluminum siding. This commercial ends with a message even more profound than “Join the conversation”: “Live for now.” –Stephen Colbert

Yes, “live . . . for now,” especially if you’re Pepsi’s marketing department, because I don’t think you guys are going to be there for long. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

That’s the most corporate message of all time (Attractive Lives Matter)

It starts with a throng of beautiful, multiethnic people protesting in the streets of, I’m going to guess Newport, Rhode Island. So far, we don’t know what has caused all of America’s hot extras to take to the streets, but I’m guessing it’s a protest for Attractive Lives Matter. –Stephen Colbert

The signs they’re holding aren’t much help figuring things out. They say things like “peace,” and the peace symbol, and “Join the conversation.” That’s the most corporate message of all time. They might as well be holding signs that say, “We are all the core demographic.” –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

I was like, oh my God, Pepsi died (Turned out I was right)

It’s not just the poll, even ISIS is piling on. A spokesman for ISIS released a statement yesterday saying America is drowning, we’re bankrupt, and we’re being run by an idiot. You hate to agree with anything ISIS says. But I don’t know, maybe we are being run by an idiot, maybe we are drowning and bankrupt. But I want to be very clear: If we are those things, you guys in ISIS had nothing to do with that. We chose this bankrupt idiot to drown us ourselves. –Jimmy Kimmel

I will assume that by now you’ve seen or at least heard about that Pepsi commercial with Kendall Jenner. It’s absolutely nuts. Pepsi was trending on Twitter last night. I was like, oh my God, Pepsi died. Turned out I was right, it did. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

things settled down when Kendall Jenner stepped in and handed them a Pepsi (missile test)

Apparently Barry Manilow announced today that he is gay. Also scientific research found that the sky is blue. And sugar is sweet. Lots of interesting stuff happening today in the news. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, North Korea conducted a missile test, which escalated tensions in the region. But don’t worry — things settled down when Kendall Jenner stepped in and handed them a Pepsi. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

Or as Trump calls it, 20 under par (Soon-to-be Victim of climate change)

President Trump’s approval rating dropped and is now at just 35 percent. Or as Trump calls it, “20 under par. I’m doing FANTASTIC!” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Trump’s photographer always brings a stool to events, and photographs Trump from above so he looks taller. While Trump has him shoot his approval ratings from BELOW, so they look HIGHER. –Jimmy Fallon

Pepsi is facing criticism for a controversial new ad that shows a bunch of people protesting, and then Kendall Jenner steps in and solves everyone’s problems by handing the police officer a Pepsi. And even in the commercial, the cop’s like, “Are you all out of Coke?” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020