The look you give the cashier when she scans the KY Jelly (He couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B)

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Late Show. I need your help with this. Do you think it's soon to hit on Mrs. Zarqawi?" --David Letterman

"Last weekend Rush Limbaugh was arrested at an airport because he had illegal Viagra. So apparently, Dick Cheney isn't the only Republican who's locked and loaded." --David Letterman

 

"Give her credit, Anna Nicole Smith made a compelling case. So good, in fact, that Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B." --David Letterman

"When he travels, Dick Cheney has certain things that he needs. He needs what he calls a 'downtime suite.' Coincidentally, George W. Bush also has a 'downtime suite.' It's called the Oval Office." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has not been the hottest chick there (tequila of mass destruction)

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman

 

"The United Arab Emirates says we will get our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back." --David Letterman

"President Bush is sending troops to the Mexican border. He's going to have them look for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

 

"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has not been the hottest chick there." --David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about? (The Wars of the 1%)

"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it." --Jay Leno

"A new study involving 1800 patients and six major hospitals failed to prove the healing power of prayer. They said prayer does not work in healing. There goes the Republican health care plan." --Jay Leno

 

"Oh, you hear about this? Here you go. Paris Hilton's mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. You know about this? He put Paris in his campaign video, and she's furious. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about?" --Jay Leno

 

"Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.' (a full scale coverage orgy)

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Move over crazy astronaut in diapers. The media unleashed a full scale coverage orgy, with CNN at one point going 90 minutes without a commercial. Making the death of Anna Nicole Smith a more significant news event than a State of the Union address and slightly less than 9/11." --Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Another way of saying that, banks took $30,000,000,000 from people that had no money

"In the latest count, there are now 25 politicians running for president -- and 15 of them also claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court." --Jay Leno

"The FAA is very close to raising the retirement age of pilots. That means pretty soon both astronauts and pilots will be wearing diapers." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore will be speaking at this year's Democratic Convention -- or as we call it, the Oscars." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In fact today, Vice President Dick Cheney shot Cupid in the face (Oh My God!!! We're you hurt?)

"Presidential candidate Tom Vilsack . . . not a lot of name recognition. I don't want to say that Tom is unknown, but his secret service codename is Tom Vilsack." --Jay Leno

"Al-Qaeda released another video tape from their No. 2 man. This one had a shocking revelation: "The great Satan will soon taste unspeakable suffering from our hands . . . Oh, and by the way, I am the father of Anna Nicole's baby." --Jay Leno

"It's hard to believe the No. 1 story, bigger than Iraq, Iran, the social life of Britney Spears, is still Anna Nicole Smith. CNN has officially changed their name this week to CN-Anna." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Even in Washington, everybody's into Valentine's Day. In fact today, Vice President Dick Cheney shot Cupid in the face." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What channel is this guy watching? I'd love to have some information (money and envy)

"Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme -- money and envy." --Jay Leno

"I was listening to the news in the back. This just in: President Bush just promised we will be out of the Academy Awards by 2010." --David Letterman

"A juror in the Scooter Libby trial has been dismissed by the judge after the juror was exposed to information about the case outside of the courtroom. How did this happen? The news channels talk about nothing but Anna Nicole and Britney Spears for the last two weeks. What channel is this guy watching? I'd love to have some information." --Jay Leno

"Last night, Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in 'The Queen.' And now, the real Queen of England has invited her to have tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Bush has extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge (in retaliation for that lawyer he shot in the face)

"How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. At one point today, the market was down over 500 points. The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge." --Jay Leno

"Today in Afghanistan, a suicide bomber blew himself up outside the main gate of the Army base where Vice President Cheney was staying. Cheney says he's fine. He's says the guy was either sent by the Taliban or by the American Bar Association in retaliation for that lawyer he shot in the face." --Jay Leno

"According to a report by this genealogist, Al Sharpton's ancestors were slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond's relatives. Now Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to see if they are related. And you know, somehow, this is going to end up that Strom Thurmond is the the father of Anna Nicole's baby." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

To learn who rules over you simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize (We prefer the term good swimmer)

"James Cameron, film director, claims he has discovered the tomb of Christ. I just hope this doesn't lead to a court battle in Florida. Who would have guessed they found Jesus before bin Laden?" --David Letterman

"A filmmaker is claiming that the remains of Jesus have been discovered in a tomb in Jerusalem. Which is crazy, because Jesus made it perfectly clear he wanted to be buried in the Bahamas next to Anna Nicole." --Conan O'Brien

"A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George H.W. Bush, is the most popular living ex-president. Apparently, voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some politicians in Florida are trying to ban the use of the term 'illegal alien' because they think it is offensive. The Florida officials say, 'We prefer the term good swimmer.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Maybe I'm a dreamer (I support lesbian independence for all)

"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it." --Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B (the hottest chick there)

"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has not been the hottest chick there." --David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court

"Give her credit, Anna Nicole Smith made a compelling case. So good, in fact, that Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B." --David Letterman

"President Bush right now is in India. He's in India. So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney has his finger on the button." --David Letterman

Every morning, you bench press a bag of laundered cash (the incredible shrinking Bush)

"Documents were introduced in court today to link Saddam Hussein to a 1982 massacre. Saddam claims it was just a hunting accident." --Jay Leno

"Harriet Miers studied law her whole life, and Anna Nicole Smith made it to the Supreme Court before she did." --Jay Leno

"You know Condoleezza Rice? So she's down there in Washington, and she's on a TV show and they go with her to the gym. Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, and they're watching her work out. Here's what it is, it's called the Republican work-out. Every morning, you bench press a bag of laundered cash." --David Letterman

the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it

"Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die." --Jay Leno

"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it." --Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die (bin Laden is a Klingon)

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher 

"Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die." --Jay Leno

"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it." --Jay Leno

that lap dance for Clarence Thomas paid off (the 'good' kind of Herpes)

"Now the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of Anna Nicole Smith. Guess that lap dance for Clarence Thomas paid off." --David Letterman

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"Condoleezza Rice is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Yeah, experts say that claiming to be the most popular member of the Bush administration is like claiming you got the 'good' kind of Herpes." --Conan O'Brien

the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it

"A new National Geographic study says that less than four out of ten students can find Iraq on a map. See, President Bush has the opposite problem -- he can't find his way out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Secret Service records show that convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff visited the White House over 200 times in a ten-month period. 200 times! That's more times than President Bush was in the White House." --Jay Leno

"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it." --Jay Leno