So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech (not why I went to law school)

Not only was today the New Hampshire primary, it was also National Pizza Day. So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech. –Jimmy Fallon

Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name “Kylie.” Yeah, the judge called the case “not why I went to law school.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, the judge called the case “not why I went to law school.” (their date is wearing an invisibility cloak)

The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it's hosting a Valentine's Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It's great for couples, or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the big game, which means this year’s Super Bowl will have teams from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. Or as pizza delivery men put it, 'Pray for us.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name “Kylie.” Yeah, the judge called the case “not why I went to law school.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob? (I’m so excited about the new spin-off)

The debate was actually split into several themes. America’s direction, America’s prosperity, America’s security, and then strangely “America’s ninja warrior.” --Jimmy Fallon

There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, “What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?” --Jimmy Fallon

It came out that Kylie Jenner is expecting her first child. When asked about it, Kris Jenner said, “I’m so excited about the new spin-off — I mean, addition to the family.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod (The Beatles did)

It's being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling. –Jimmy Fallon

Kylie Jenner recently posted a Snapchat video of herself giving two little boys $100 for just two cups of lemonade. Nobody has paid that much for lemonade since Jay Z. –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, 'I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The spin-off is called Divorced or Murdered? (Now's Not the Time)

Lifetime has announced a spin-off of their new hit show, Married At First Sight that catches up on couples from the show. The spin-off is called Divorced or Murdered? —Colin Jost

A couple of created miniature versions of classic paintings to display for their gerbils. They say, the toughest part was getting the paintings to also fit up their ass. —Colin Jost

Tuesday was National Beer Day, which was the first time alcohol has ever helped me remember what day it is. —Colin Jost

It was announced that Kylie Jenner for the second year in a row, was the world's youngest self-made billionaire. The announcement was made in this month's issue of Now's Not the Time. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

right now, a bunch of Russians are arguing over who gets to eavesdrop (You'd make a much better Vice President)

And listen to this -- a man in Kentucky who is also named Brett Kavanaugh went viral this weekend for tweeting, "This is a terrible time to be named Brett Kavanaugh." Then a guy named Bill Cosby Weinstein was like, "It could be worse. Could be worse." --Jimmy Fallon

Guys, tomorrow is President Trump's big meeting with Kanye West at the White House, which means right now, a bunch of Russians are arguing over who gets to eavesdrop. --Jimmy Fallon

Since his U.N. ambassador resigned yesterday, Trump says he's narrowed down his list of replacements to five people. He was like, "It'll either be Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, or Kylie. Not saying who." Actually, Dennis Rodman went on Twitter and said that he should be the new U.N. ambassador. In response, Trump said, "That's ridiculous. You'd make a much better Vice President." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

these are the types of outside-the-box ideas that turned her into a self-made billionaire (Got Milk?)

The internet has been exploding over a tweet from Kylie Jenner. She tweeted, "Last night I had cereal with milk for the first time. Life changing." You see, these are the types of outside-the-box ideas that turned her into a self-made billionaire. --James Corden

She's just now trying cereal with milk? One of Kylie Jenner's parents was literally the spokesperson for Wheaties! This topic never came up at the breakfast table? At no point? Doesn't she know everyone does this? I'm just going to say it: I don't think the Kardashians have been keeping up with us. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I would bet $100 she came up with this idea while she was smoking pot in a Jacuzzi (created in a laboratory to sell lip gloss)

A restaurant owner in Maine is testing out what she believes to be a more humane way of killing the lobsters they serve. What they do is they get the lobsters high on marijuana smoke before they cook them. For real. How the lobsters hold the joint with their claw I don't know. But I would bet $100 she came up with this idea while she was smoking in a Jacuzzi. --Jimmy Kimmel

Congratulations are in order for Kylie Jenner, who reached a major life milestone yesterday — which she, of course, shared with the world. She wrote, "Last night I had cereal with milk for the first time, life changing." Let me get this straight. You had poison injected into your lips when you were 12, but waited until now to pour milk in your Apple Jacks? Finally we have proof that Kylie Jenner is an artificial life force created in a laboratory to sell lip gloss. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Boy, they really have their fingers on the pulse of us, don't they? (selfie-made billionaire)

Kylie Jenner is on pace to become the world's youngest self-made billionaire, or selfie-made billionaire. Kylie Jenner's 20 years old. According to Forbes magazine she's already worth $900 million — more than her sister, Kim Kardashian who's only worth $350 million. She's poor. Who knew Kylie was the money bags in that family? --Jimmy Kimmel

The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, now that they did away with net neutrality, they had another terrible idea. The FCC is considering a plan that would require U.S. citizens to pay $225 to make a complaint. So if you're mad about how high your cable bill is, soon you can pay the government $225 to complain about it. Boy, they really have their fingers on the pulse of us, don't they? --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan (Hey, we found Melania!)

Today is President Trump's 72nd birthday. Everyone in the White House hid to jump out and yell "Surprise," and while they were hiding they were like, "Hey, we found Melania!" --Jimmy Fallon

At one point the staff brought out a piñata for Trump but the president just deported it. --Jimmy Fallon

In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up into three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan. --Jimmy Fallon

Applebee's is offering $1 Long Island iced teas for the entire month of June. So if someone tells you they just spent $20 at Applebee's, get them to a hospital. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And each of the three new states would get their own Kardashian (You're Welcome)

Here in California, there will be a literally divisive measure on the ballot in November that, if it passes, would separate our state into three different parts. It's called the Cal-3 plan. It would divide California into three parts. I think the three are the part that smokes weed, the part that smokes meat, and the part that smokes meth. --Jimmy Kimmel

And each of the three new states would get their own Kardashian, just to be fair. --Jimmy Kimmel

I know we're underrepresented in the Senate, but instead of going through a long and acrimonious political process, why not just wait for the earthquake to split the state up? --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In a blood-soaked chase for cheap votes (The Party of Pro-Death)

In an interview this week, Barbra Streisand revealed that she cloned her favorite dog, twice. Barbra said, "I couldn't help myself, he was delicious." --Conan O’Brien

Kylie Jenner's baby daughter has made her debut on Snapchat at one month old. In the Kardashian world, that is known as a "late bloomer." --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

everyone on stage will be nude start to finish (halftime performance)

The Los Angeles Dodgers are in the World Series. They are playing the Houston Astros tomorrow night. The Dodgers haven’t been to the World Series since 1988. That is a long time ago. That is before anyone knew what a Kardashian was. Most people at that time thought it was an auto part. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, the NFL announced that Justin Timberlake is going to do the Super Bowl halftime show. This will be his first Super Bowl halftime performance since 2004 when he was part of the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. Remember when Janet the Jackson exposing a breast was the worst thing about America? Justin Timberlake promised there would be no wardrobe malfunction because everyone on stage would be nude start to finish. –Jimmy Kimmel

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

the Russians are calling it a space station (golf resort/casino)

  

Congratulations are in order for Khloe Kardashian, who reportedly has a baby in her. Khloe isn’t the only one in the family expecting. Her younger sister Kylie is pregnant, her older sister Kim is having a baby with a surrogate. It’s interesting, right? Three major hurricanes this month, three new Kardashians. There has to be a connection. Of course no one is more excited than grandma Kris Jenner, who is about to sign three new clients. –Jimmy Kimmel

      

Russia and the United States, with all that’s happening between us right now, have announced an agreement to team up to build a space station on the moon. Although I should say the Russians are calling it a space station; for some reason the White House keeps referring to it as a golf resort/casino. –Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I need a coloring book! (Ka-ching!)

President Trump has finally addressed the situation in Puerto Rico, and he said that he'll travel there on Tuesday. Trump said he's bringing lots of supplies — in case he gets bored or hungry on the flight over. "I need a coloring book! My binky!" –Jimmy Fallon

Trump's tax plan came out today, and it will significantly help wealthy people with children. Then Kim, Kylie and Khloe were like, "Ka-ching!" –Jimmy Fallon

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Climate Change Deniers of America (Red rover, red rover)

Yesterday, Trump tweeted that players standing with locked arms for the national anthem is OK. Incidentally, people standing with locked arms is also the plan for his border wall. “Red rover, red rover, don’t let anyone come over.” –Jimmy Fallon

It came out that Kylie Jenner is expecting her first child. When asked about it, Kris Jenner said, “I’m so excited about the new spin-off — I mean, addition to the family.” –Jimmy Fallon

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

That’s great, they can take our place (FBI Rodeo)

Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.” –Conan O’Brien

Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner are being accused of stealing the ideas of other clothing designers. They’re also being accused of stealing YEARS OF OUR LIVES. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.”

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Trump calls that, “a landslide.” It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. –Jimmy Fallon

The Patriots celebrated their big Super Bowl win up in Boston. But I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey that went missing after the game. Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.” –Jimmy Fallon

Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name “Kylie.” Yeah, the judge called the case “not why I went to law school.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University (15 seconds of smiling)

It's being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary told her assistant to break out the champagne. And he said, "Actually you drank it all when Trump secured his nomination. Do you remember that?" –Jimmy Fallon

Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the "textbook definition" of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University. –Jimmy Fallon

Kylie Jenner recently posted a Snapchat video of herself giving two little boys $100 for just two cups of lemonade. Nobody has paid that much for lemonade since Jay Z. –Jimmy Fallon

how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon

President Obama said he believes Mr. Trump will not be president because the American people “recognize that being president is a serious job. It's not hosting a talk show." Maybe I don't get to do “serious” stuff like pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving but I'll tell you something, Mr. Obama: Every minute of every day I'm thinking about how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kendall and Kylie Jenner released a new iPhone app where it lets you enter the "glamorous and exciting world of Kendall and Kylie Jenner," another way of saying “stare at your phone for hours.” Once you download this app, your phone is no longer a smartphone. –Jimmy Kimmel