Feast of Saint Botox and Lip-Gloss Hashanah (watch him scream about CNN)

Today is National Selfie Say. Finally, a day to take selfies. National Selfie Day, of course, marks the beginning of the high holy days for the Kardashian family, along with the Feast of Saint Botox and Lip-Gloss Hashanah. --Jimmy Kimmel

Today is also the first official day of summer. The first day of summer, the summer solstice as they call it, is the longest day of the year. Every day since Donald Trump was elected is the longest day of the year. --Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump is back on the campaign trail. He had a rally-slash-one-man show in Duluth, Minnesota, last night. It's good for him — whenever he's feeling down he gets a bunch of white people together to watch him scream about CNN. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan (Hey, we found Melania!)

Today is President Trump's 72nd birthday. Everyone in the White House hid to jump out and yell "Surprise," and while they were hiding they were like, "Hey, we found Melania!" --Jimmy Fallon

At one point the staff brought out a piñata for Trump but the president just deported it. --Jimmy Fallon

In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up into three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan. --Jimmy Fallon

Applebee's is offering $1 Long Island iced teas for the entire month of June. So if someone tells you they just spent $20 at Applebee's, get them to a hospital. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do you know why I came in here? (Hell? Never mind, I found it)

Khloe Kardashian says she can't wait to go to the gym after her baby is born. And every other new parent was like, “Yeah, let us know how that plan works out.” --Jimmy Fallon

An 80-year-old man in Arizona is on trial for robbing a bank. Apparently, he slipped the teller a note that said, "Do you know why I came in here?" --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Pope Francis once said that there is no such thing as hell. And then he got stuck in Boarding Group C on Spirit Airlines and said, “Never mind, I found it.” --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

everyone on stage will be nude start to finish (halftime performance)

The Los Angeles Dodgers are in the World Series. They are playing the Houston Astros tomorrow night. The Dodgers haven’t been to the World Series since 1988. That is a long time ago. That is before anyone knew what a Kardashian was. Most people at that time thought it was an auto part. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, the NFL announced that Justin Timberlake is going to do the Super Bowl halftime show. This will be his first Super Bowl halftime performance since 2004 when he was part of the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. Remember when Janet the Jackson exposing a breast was the worst thing about America? Justin Timberlake promised there would be no wardrobe malfunction because everyone on stage would be nude start to finish. –Jimmy Kimmel

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

the Russians are calling it a space station (golf resort/casino)

  

Congratulations are in order for Khloe Kardashian, who reportedly has a baby in her. Khloe isn’t the only one in the family expecting. Her younger sister Kylie is pregnant, her older sister Kim is having a baby with a surrogate. It’s interesting, right? Three major hurricanes this month, three new Kardashians. There has to be a connection. Of course no one is more excited than grandma Kris Jenner, who is about to sign three new clients. –Jimmy Kimmel

      

Russia and the United States, with all that’s happening between us right now, have announced an agreement to team up to build a space station on the moon. Although I should say the Russians are calling it a space station; for some reason the White House keeps referring to it as a golf resort/casino. –Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

taxpayers and President Trump/two categories (one million Instagram followers)

President Trump says his new tax plan would greatly simplify the U.S. tax code. It would divide everyone into two brackets: "taxpayers" and "President Trump." –Conan O’Brien

Khloé Kardashian is reportedly pregnant. Khloe said she doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl just as long as it has over one million Instagram followers. –Conan O’Brien

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I need a coloring book! (Ka-ching!)

President Trump has finally addressed the situation in Puerto Rico, and he said that he'll travel there on Tuesday. Trump said he's bringing lots of supplies — in case he gets bored or hungry on the flight over. "I need a coloring book! My binky!" –Jimmy Fallon

Trump's tax plan came out today, and it will significantly help wealthy people with children. Then Kim, Kylie and Khloe were like, "Ka-ching!" –Jimmy Fallon

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

That’s great, they can take our place (FBI Rodeo)

Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.” –Conan O’Brien

Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner are being accused of stealing the ideas of other clothing designers. They’re also being accused of stealing YEARS OF OUR LIVES. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Hey, I boycott the Oscars every year

A lot of people are upset by the total lack of diversity by the Oscar nominations — Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith announced they will be boycotting this year’s Oscars. After hearing about it, Vin Diesel said, "Hey, I boycott the Oscars every year." –Conan O’Brien 

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It’s a very important day, it’s the day where the struggle for racial equality is remembered by all Americans and snubbed by the Oscar committee. –Conan O’Brien

Khloe Kardashian has announced she’ll be hosting a new talk show where she drinks cocktails with her guests. The show will be called, "Throwing Up With The Kardashians." –Conan O’Brien

which is good, it was filthy

Hillary Clinton is here with us tonight and we'll be touching on all the big topics: the economy, climate change, ISIS, whether Khloe should take Lamar back, everything. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Secret Service swept our building today — which is good, it was filthy. –Jimmy Kimmel

A new Quinnipiac University poll came out yesterday that shows Donald Trump back on top of Ben Carson, 24 to 23 percent, and Jeb Bush is now down to only 4 percent. More people picked Bit-O-Honey as their favorite Halloween candy than support Jeb Bush for president. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump put out his first paid campaign ads today. He bought them himself. You know, he doesn't take money from super PACs. He earns it the old-fashioned way, by selling cologne at Rite Aid. –Jimmy Kimmel

The government is renaming those branches

"During President Obama's visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he re-enacts it with Congress all the time." –Jimmy Fallon



"A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government — Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney." –Conan O'Brien