DNA kits (Really?)

Donald Trump is out in front of the pack again. According to a new Reuters poll he's in first place among likely Republican voters with 42 percent. Ben Carson is in second with just under 25 percent. Only 4 percent now say they would support Jeb Bush. That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's buttocks, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away. They're out there." –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a cartoonishly weak field of opponents (it's hard to concentrate when you are getting a $2,000 [bleep]job)

"The feds caught the governor when they became suspicious of

some irregular money wire transfers that the governor had made.

And then they tapped his phones and monitored his text messages.

Basically they thought this was a bribery case and it wasn't. If only

someone experienced in law enforcement could have given Eliot

Spitzer better advice [on screen: Spitzer saying, 'Never talk when

you can nod, never nod when you can wink and never write it in

email because it's death. You're giving prosecutors all the evidence

we need']. In Spitzer's defense, he probably forgot he said that

because it's hard to concentrate when you are getting a $2,000

[bleep]job." --Jon Stewart

"And on the Republican side? [on screen: John McCain saying, 'We have won enough delegates to claim with confidence, humility, and a great sense of responsibility that I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Senator McCain, congratulations. All it took was grit, patience, and what was, in retrospect, a cartoonishly weak field of opponents." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He had an affair, years ago, with Joan of Arc or something (How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?)

In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?—Craig Ferguson

"According to rumors, John McCain and Barack Obama are trying to get Angelina Jolie’s endorsement for the campaign, and John Edwards is just trying to get her number." --Craig Ferguson

"It's been a very tough day for John McCain with the New York Times' allegation that he had an affair. The paper is saying McCain had an affair, years ago, with Joan of Arc or something." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He will be searching for Lo Mein of Mass Destruction (freestyle waterboarding)

 

"President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. He's gonna be there for the opening ceremonies, and also, while he's there, he will be searching for 'Lo Mein of Mass Destruction.'" --David Letterman

"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted Police up in Canada busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming. I think we have a very strong swimming team this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He told everyone in Gomorrah there were half-off TVs at the Sodom Best Buy (slowly turning into a rat palace)

November 2021

“There are warnings from health experts that the US could face a fifth wave of the coronavirus. No! No more waves, science. I was promised a normal holiday season. The family dinners on Thanksgiving, the carolers on Christmas, the fights on Black Friday, as God intended. That’s how god destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah – he told everyone in Gomorrah there were half-off TVs at the Sodom Best Buy.” —Stephen Colbert

“A fifth wave would not sweep the country equally, as the hardest-hit areas also have the lowest vaccination rates. Well, yeah – at this point, staying unvaccinated is like wearing a Yankees hat to a Red Sox game. You’re probably going to end up in a hospital and it’s your own damn fault.” —Stephen Colbert

“In a crossover of pandemic/environmental despair news, the National Academy of Sciences journal published a study that found the world created about 8 Million tons of plastic pandemic waste, much of which is now in the ocean. That is shocking and that is wrong. In New York, we don’t throw our trash in the ocean! We put it where it belongs: piled on the sidewalk, where it stays forever, slowly turning into a rat palace.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I am confident that they eventually will find a soul (Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips)

February 2013

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen Colbert

"Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't understand economics." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans are still claiming that there was no Jan. 6 this year (Hey, bro, wanna hang this weekend?)

May 2021

“OK, first of all, describing it as people without firearms coming into a building leaves out a lot of crucial context. It’s like writing a book report about ‘The Great Gatsby’ that says, ‘Man Enjoys Summer in the Hamptons.’ Also, it’s a lie — there were weapons, as the Justice Department, reporters and video have all documented. But even if that statement were true, it’s not very comforting. If a group of criminals breaks into your house with some baseball bats, smashes all your belongings and steals all your money, it wouldn’t exactly make you feel better if the cops were, like: ‘Hey, there are worse things in life. Eric Trump’s out there just hugging people in the street.’” —Seth Meyers

“The House voted today on legislation to create an independent commission tasked with investigating the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, while House Republicans are still claiming that there was no Jan. 6 this year.” —Seth Meyers

“One person I was surprised to learn voted ‘no’ on this measure was Indiana Representative Greg Pence, who is Mike Pence’s own brother. Certainly changes the meaning of this text from Greg: ‘Hey, bro, wanna hang this weekend?’” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s important to remember that a mob of morons didn’t just materialize out of nowhere. People encouraged and inspired these morons. And they made security decisions that allowed these morons to break into what should be the most secure place in America – I mean, aside from wherever Ariana Grande held her wedding. Which is why many people in Congress are saying it’s important to investigate how this happened. Trump, unsurprisingly, decried the commission as ‘unbalanced’ and called for an investigation into Black Lives Matter protests in cities across the country last summer. Is Trump really trying to ‘all riots matter’ this commission?” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”