he's working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney (Dude, scale it back!)

April 2012

"The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian." –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he's working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman

"After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, 'Dude, scale it back!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A third of Americans are now half of Americans (Pine-sol now comes in prescription strength)

People are going outside again. Americans, they want to do the right thing but if someone taps a keg and cranks up the Lynyrd Skynyrd all bets are off. —Bill Maher

But you can't blame people for wanting to get out there. The Census Bureau is now reporting that a third of Americans are showing signs of anxiety and clinical depression and they've gained weight. A third of Americans are now half of Americans. —Bill Maher

Our governor says we’ll know in a week if we can reopen our gyms and I hope that this is the case. Because Californians, we miss our gyms. Not to work out so much the staring at yourself in the mirror part. —Bill Maher

Donald Trump has said he has quit taking hydroxychloroquine. But there’s no word on whether he’s going to give up the idea to imbibe household disinfectants. I tell you something, his fans haven’t. Pine-sol now comes in prescription strength. —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or, as they call it in North Korea, 'spring break.' (Dumbasses, we thank you.)

June 2011

"California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? How did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up all those children?" –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, 'spring break.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

More than half of those people are Americans (Spread their shame!)

"President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?" –Jay Leno

"The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's Alaska' has been such a big hit for TLC, they’re trying to get her to do another season. You know who doesn't want Palin to have a second season? Elk." –Jimmy Fallon

"Let's see what's happening with George Dubai -- I mean W. Bush. President Bush now says he didn't know about the Dubai port deal until after it was approved. Apparently this is part of the White House's 'Don't ask him, Don't tell him' policy." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over (It's almost as if it works or something)

"The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is angry that Michelle Obama is suggesting that parents encourage their kids to eat healthy. Palin thinks that if we have healthy children, the terrorists have won." –David Letterman 

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The 2010 Census"

10. Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over

9. Population has grown by 9.7 percent; Population's waist size has grown by 42 percent

8. North Dakota is used mainly for storage

7. The profile of the average American is a Minnesota claims adjuster name Duane

6. Wealthiest neighborhood is wherever Tiger Woods' ex-wife is staying that day

5. More Americans get their news from RKO newsreels than from any other source

4. Only one American wore a meat dress last year

3. Osama bin Laden owns a specialty cheese shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn

2. Eighty-seven percent of professional athletes have dated Kim Kardashian

1. Most common name for women: Mrs. Larry King

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They say instead of throwing rice, throw Vicodin (Hey look! Russians!)

"Rush Limbaugh is getting married this weekend for the fourth time. It's a traditional wedding. Well, not that traditional. They say instead of throwing rice, throw Vicodin." –Bill Maher

"They came out with this jobs report. This is terrible, all the new jobs it turns out are Census jobs, temporary Census jobs. The bright side: Those skill you learn as a Census taker going door to door, could launch a lucrative career as a Jehovah's Witness." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Get rid of terror networks, like Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Fox News (Do you want to know a secret?)

"This was an important meeting between President Obama and Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai. Both presidents agreed that we have to work to wipe out terror networks. Get rid of terror networks, like Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Fox News." –David Letterman

"You know who is out campaigning now again? John McCain and his buddy Sarah Palin. I mean, come on, it worked so well the last time." –David Letterman

"Have you filled out a census form? Here's the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That's what they're saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose Sarah Palin." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They tipped over Rush Limbaugh (It's a third category)

"You know what's coming up is the 2010 Census form. You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can't have that attitude. You've got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There's changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It's a third category." –David Letterman

"Yesterday in Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday." –David Letterman

"And the Democrats were thrilled, as you can guess. And they got a little rowdy, as Democrats can do. They tipped over Rush Limbaugh." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Today President Bush had him put under surveillance (FEMA headquarters floated away)

"Today Warren Buffett announced he's giving away his multi-billion dollar fortune to charity rather than leaving it to his kids. He said he doesn't believe someone's son should inherit his father's position in society. Today President Bush had him put under surveillance." --Jay Leno

"President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bad times on the East Coast as much of Washington, D.C. is flooded. Several government agencies had to close down including the Justice Department, the IRS and the National Zoo. FEMA headquarters floated away." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Census Bureau revealed today that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. The big difference between Las Vegas and D.C., of course, is that in Las Vegas people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno

you can buy a three ounce tube at the airport for $162 (border patrol)

"I'm really looking forward to hearing from George Allen, Republican Senator from Virginia. At a debate last Monday, the senator skirted a question about rumors his mother was Jewish. A day later, he released a statement announcing that the rumors were true, and that he's known about his Jewish heritage for about a month. The guy knew for a month? He didn't say bupkis. Senator Allen, your newfound heritage comes with a heavy responsibility -- making the Republican Party look diverse. Let's face it, the only other famous Republican Jew I can think of is Joe Lieberman. You wasted a whole month, senator, when the big tent could have looked a little bigger. Hey, if Ken Mehlman found out he was black tomorrow, you would know about it." --Stephen Colbert

"The Transportation Security Administration has partially lifted the ban on carry-on liquids for air flights. You can bring liquids on the plane, as long as they are purchased from secure airport stores. What a relief, huh? See now instead of bringing your own hair gel, you can buy a three ounce tube at the airport for $162." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. World News & Report cover story this week is about the fact in just a month the U.S. population will hit 300 million people. The Census Bureau says it will happen October 27th depending on whether they are caught by the border patrol." --Jay Leno

Santa released 10 years of tax returns

"On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft." –Jay Leno



"The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican." –Jay Leno



"Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns." –David Letterman