Can you call in horny? (Do you feel what I feel?)

"I love this story. I saw it in the paper today. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will explore whether he has an addiction to sex. Oh, shut up. Is sex really an addiction? Is it a disease? Do you think it's a disease? Huh? I mean, I've heard people call into work sick. Can you call in horny?" --Jay Leno

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno

"John McCain and Sarah Palin attended a campaign rally in Vienna, Ohio, today. They were in Vienna. Apparently, they went to Vienna so Sarah Palin could get some foreign policy experience." --Jay Leno

 

"Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is. Political experts say it is unlikely someone could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the ass? (a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff)

"In Washington, the Justice Department was evacuated because of a suspicious package. It was okay, it just turned out to be a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff." --David Letterman

"So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']" --Stephen Colbert

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has regained some brain function. The bad news: Pat Robertson, still no brain function at all. You know about this -- last week Pat Robertson said Ariel Sharon had a stroke because God was punishing him for dividing Israel. You remember a couple of years ago Pat Robertson announced he had prostate cancer? You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the ass?" -- Jay Leno

The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger (Super and Duper)

"Have you been watching the Alito Supreme Court nomination hearings? The Democrats are upset, they're crazy, they're already accusing him of giving vague, contradictory hearings. And Alito was on that, he shot back, 'Maybe, maybe not.'" --David Letterman

"The American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito his highest rating, too, because Bush called him 'Super' and 'Duper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Doctors say that Ariel Sharon is emerging from his coma and can move his hand. The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger." --Jay Leno

It is unlikely someone could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity (I beg to differ)

"Today is the day we celebrate Dr. King's birthday. I'm not quite sure President Bush understands this. When he was told it's Dr. King's birthday, he said, 'Larry's a doctor?' And did you hear what happened in Sacramento?  Arnold Schwarzenegger celebrated by crashing his motorcycle into Al Sharpton." --Jay Leno

"Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is. Political experts say it is unlikely someone could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ." --Jay Leno

"Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden’s question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. He’s brilliant. Do you know what he said? 'I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?'" --Jay Leno