If you convert to Islam he'll throw in a free prayer rug (Do you feel what I feel?)

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to

sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his

hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'"

–Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on Fox News for free?" --Jay Leno

 

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let me help you with your co-pay (Kids hate this movie)

December 2013

"One of the biggest movies to come out this weekend was the Disney movie, 'Frozen,' which is an animated film about the Obamacare website. Kids hate this movie. An hour and a half of characters trying to fix the website." –Conan O'Brien

"In Nevada, where prostitution is legal – true story – prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pick-up line in Nevada is, 'Let me help you with your co-pay.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike, a true story. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What? What did you say?" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So I'm counting on the new mayor to restore it to its former glory (Number two: Kelly Ripa)

November 2013

"I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie 'Hunger Games.' He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive eating." –David Letterman

"A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football." –Jimmy Fallon

"Forbes magazine has named evil Russian President Vladimir Putin as the most powerful person in the world. Vladimir Putin, the most powerful person in the world. Number two: Kelly Ripa." –David Letterman

"In New York they elected a new mayor. He is Bill de Blasio, the first Democrat mayor in 20 years. Now 20 years ago Times Square was filled with strip clubs and porno theaters. So I'm counting on the new mayor to restore it to its former glory." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To which Congress said, how do you keep it so high? (They're both made of poison)

November 2013

"Russian President Vladimir Putin will travel to the Vatican this month to hold talks with Pope Francis. The Pope even offered to hear Putin's confession — or as Putin calls it, 'bragging.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"As you may know, Thanksgiving began in 1621 when the Pilgrims feasted with the Indians and promised them, 'If you like your land, you can keep your land.'" –Jay Leno

"The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That's false, of course. The president says they're trying to correct it, but his website people can't seem to log on." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's approval rating is now down to 39 percent. To which Congress said, how do you keep it so high?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the most important thing is to focus on going out there and losing football games right now (stepping out of line)

November 2021

“Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers isn’t the only N.F.L. quarterback who’s been holding out. Joe Flacco, of the New York Jets, revealed that he, too, is unvaccinated. Flacco told the media he doesn’t want to get into his reasoning because it would be a distraction to the team, and the most important thing is to focus on going out there and losing football games right now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, the main difference between this and the Aaron Rodgers story is Aaron Rodgers led everyone to believe he was vaccinated, and, also, no one cares about Joe Flacco.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“New York Jets quarterback Joe Flacco announced at a press conference yesterday that he is not vaccinated against the coronavirus and said that he ‘has his reasons.’ I mean, he’s a backup quarterback on the Jets — I assume his reason is that he’s ready to die.” —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, New York Jets quarterback Joe Flacco announced he’s not vaccinated against the coronavirus. But don’t worry about his teammates — it’s rare for the Jets to catch anything.”  —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t let that vest fool you. He’s got sleeve money. (Sedate the Press)

November 2021

“Tuesday was a disappointing night for Democrats, as they lost the Virginia governorship to Republican Glenn Youngkin. But the media – who all live in Virginia and New Jersey, coincidentally – are freaking out so badly that NBC is launching a new Sunday show, Sedate the Press.” —Stephen Colbert

“The rough election night has re-energized congressional Democrats to pass crucial social and infrastructure plans – last week, due to opposition from the West Virginia senator Joe Manchin, Democrats took out paid family leave from the Build Back Better bill. But after the defeat in Virginia, the House added a provision to provide four weeks of federally paid family and medical leave back into the plan. OK, that’s something! It’s not what anyone asked for, but it’s better than nothing. Coincidentally, also the slogan of RC Cola.” —Stephen Colbert

“So, yes, the results were bad for Democrats and, yes, they absolutely need to learn some real lessons from it, but you didn’t need an election result in Virginia to tell you that things aren’t exactly great for Democrats right now. Biden’s poll numbers are in the toilet, concerns about the economy and inflation are on the rise, people are exhausted and angry after 20 months of pandemic life, and Democrats in Congress have spent what feels like an eternity haggling over a bill to deliver on Biden’s agenda, and they still can’t agree on a deal. It doesn’t seem that complicated to me: you need to do popular things that people like and then you need to tell voters that Republicans will take them away. I mean, this is a party that’s pretending to be a pro-worker, populist movement, but in Virginia, they just elected multimillionaire private equity executive in Glenn Youngkin, who often wore a simple, folksy vest on the campaign trail. Don’t let that vest fool you. He’s got sleeve money.” —Seth Meyers

“Team Biden today announced that more than 100 million American workers are required to be fully vaccinated by Jan. 4. And if I know my fellow American workers, everyone’s going to be super chill about that.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday (absolutely no noticeable difference)

September 2013

"Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? They lost 31-7. Do you know what the Giants didn't say after that game? 'If you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the f**king NFL.'" -Jon Stewart on Republicans shutting down the government over their opposition to Obamacare

"If it turns out that President Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with Republicans, maybe he's not the problem." –Jon Stewart on Republican complaints that Obama was willing to negotiate with Iran and Russia but not Republicans 

"Our government may be shutting down in a few hours. So, folks, get ready for absolutely no noticeable difference." –Conan O’Brien

"The shutdown will affect some national parks and museums. They're going to close the Smithsonian. So if you have tickets, forget it. You're not getting in. They're going to close the National Air & Space Museum. They're closing the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Museum." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He wanted to know how often he should feed Siri? (What do we have to do?)

May 2013

"It's coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl's yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness." –Conan O'Brien

"A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, 'What do we have to do?'" –Conan O'Brien

"During congressional hearings, Senator John McCain asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why the apps always need to be updated. McCain also wanted to know how often he should feed Siri." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt (There is only us against them)

May 2013

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with." –David Letterman

"Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." –David Letterman

"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." –David Letterman

"The republicans see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this time, we promise it’s meat (Tali-buddies)

August 2021

“American troops withdrew from Kabul after 20 years in Afghanistan. In a matter of days, the Taliban wrested control over most of the country, including all the expensive stuff we left there. In their cake-walk to power, the Taliban seized American military supplies such as guns, ammunition, helicopters and combat aircraft. Normally to get that many American weapons, you have to go to Walmart.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Taliban is attempting to rebrand itself. They’re saying they were the Taliban, but now they’re the Tali-buddies. The new Taliban have promised no reprisal killings, which is not really comforting when you have to guarantee that. It reminds me of the Taco Bell ad for the Gordita Crunch Wrap – ‘this time, we promise it’s meat.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and in this case, the pepperoni doesn’t kill you (How exotic!)

August 2021

“So, vaccine sites are about to ramp up again. You hear that, millions of Americans who are still on the fence about the first dose? Because the rest of us are about to go back for thirds. We’re offering you that last slice of pizza before we take it, and in this case, the pepperoni doesn’t kill you.” —Stephen Colbert

“We’re going to get a third shot, OK? So, somehow, they’re going to have to make the vaccination card even bigger. It fits in most midsize sedans.” —Stephen Colbert

“Honestly, they should just send booster shots to your house like a cheese of the month club like, ‘Oh, honey, look — this month it is AstraZeneca. How exotic!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“America can’t even agree on the first shots. We’re like a giant family dinner where half the table wants pizza and the other half wants to die of Covid.” —Julie Bowen

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You try staying awake through a Latin mass (It's embarrassing I have to keep explaining this)

February 2013

"Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When asked for comment the lord said, 'You try staying awake through a Latin mass.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He went on to say he was so excited to be at Denzel Washington's inauguration (Surrender Vote)

January 2013

"During the inauguration, Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos gave a shout-out to who he thought was Morgan Freeman, but was actually Celtics great Bill Russell. Stephanopoulos then went on to say he was so excited to be at Denzel Washington's inauguration." –Conan O'Brien

"During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan." –Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today. Biden swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and to keep doing whatever it is I do.'" –Conan O’Brien

"Today's inauguration marked the first time ever a president used the word gay in an inauguration speech. It was the part of the speech where Obama pointed at the Washington moment and said, ''Whoever designed that thing must have been pretty gay.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Whew! Take a break, fellows (The request came from God)

"President Bush announced today that he will be

working with Congress to use hundreds of billions

of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market.

Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the

problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno

"The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take 'In God We Trust' off the bill. The request came from God." --Jay Leno

"Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to Sarah Palin, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right? Well, we are, we know it by its other name, Murphy's Law." --Jay Leno

"Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care." -Jay Leno

"Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices. Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free." --Jay Leno

"Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it. Don't they? They got so much done this year: solved the energy crisis, health care, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellows." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Vote your conscience, not someone else's politics (So it means dress is casual)

December 2012

"New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest." –Conan O'Brien

"According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping?" –David Letterman

"December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So it means dress is casual." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”