And if you want to get them a gift… hurry! (at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them)

A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them. –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney is back in the news. He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face." --Jimmy Fallon

I read about a 98-year-old woman and a 94-year-old man here in New York who just got married. And if you want to get them a gift… hurry! –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't know. I don't read it for the articles (weigh his options for another hour)

Last week Donald Trump vowed to protect Article 12 of the Constitution despite the fact that the Constitution only has seven articles. Said Trump, "I don't know. I don't read it for the articles." –Seth Meyers

A Ugandan police officer claims he was forced to shoot an aggressive tortoise that attacked him while he was drinking tea at home. In his defense, he had to act quickly, or move over a few feet and weigh his options for another hour.—Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush yesterday said in an interview that Donald Trump is a master at understanding how the media works. Whereas Jeb did the entire interview with the lens cap on. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow! Wow, Jerry, looking good! (Your money or your life)

A Ugandan police officer claims he was forced to shoot an aggressive tortoise that attacked him while he was drinking tea at home. In his defense, he had to act quickly, or move over a few feet and weigh his options for another hour.—Seth Meyers

According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty.--Seth Meyers

"Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be replaced by Matt Cassel, an untested, inexperienced backup, earning Cassel the nickname, Sarah Palin." --Seth Meyers

Boeing is currently in possession of so many malfunctioning 737 MAX jets that they have started storing the planes in their employee parking lot. Either that or Jerry in marketing finally got that raise. “Wow! Wow, Jerry, looking good!” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us (It's just helping everyone)

November 2013

"Yesterday President Obama honored our oldest living veteran, a man who is 107 years old. Today President Obama told him he can finally come home from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"It seems that during his re-election campaign this year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie paid $46,000 to get advice from former strategists for Mitt Romney. The advice he got: 'If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us.'" –Jay Leno

"Today a reporter asked Chris Christie, 'What do you think of 2016?' And Christie said, 'I think it's a good weight to get down to.'" –Jay Leno

"German veterinarians have a tortoise moving again after giving him a Lego wheel as a prosthetic limb. That Obamacare is amazing, isn't it? It's just helping everyone." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

first tortoise in history to be drafted into the NBA (Oregon’s “right to die” law)

Ivanka Trump abruptly ended an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine because she felt the questions were “unfair.” Of course it’s understandable, most of us wither under the intense political grilling of Cosmopolitan magazine. –Conan O’Brien

A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law. –Conan O’Brien

A 100-year-old tortoise named Diego has now fathered over 800 offspring. Which is why today, he was the first tortoise in history to be drafted into the NBA. –Conan O’Brien