It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes (he made a Djibouti call)

Cameron Crowe has issued an apology for casting Emma Stone as an Asian woman in his new movie. He also announced that his next film about Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch.—Conan O’Brien

Pizza Hut announced it will be unveiling a pizza whose crust is stuffed with hot dogs. It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes.—Conan O’Brien

"Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Thin Bread Crust (like if you're editor of the New York Times)

 

"It was reported yesterday that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reads three newspapers a day. Well, actually, he reads them to his brother George." --Jay Leno

"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?" --Jay Leno

 

"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech (not why I went to law school)

Not only was today the New Hampshire primary, it was also National Pizza Day. So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech. –Jimmy Fallon

Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name “Kylie.” Yeah, the judge called the case “not why I went to law school.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech (Mostly trees)

"Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it." –Jimmy Fallon

Shaquille O’Neal says that he’s trying to eat healthier. He’s cut soda, bread, sandwiches, and fast food out of his diet. When asked what he’s eating instead he said, “Mostly trees.” –Jimmy Fallon

Not only was today the New Hampshire primary, it was also National Pizza Day. So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is a good citizen driven to despair (the donate to charity slice)

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. —Mitch Hedberg

I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say, ‘go around I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there’s nothing.’ —Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. I ordered a slice of pizza, the dude gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, this dude gave me the donate to charity slice. —Mitch Hedberg

I can only wear V-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all damn day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This must be the looting that everyone's talking about (those ankles are totally airbrushed)

Lawmakers in New Hampshire are now backing a bill that would make it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public because they say it could hurt tourism. Then New Orleans said, “You sure about that?” –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has launched its own women's magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed." –Jimmy Fallon

Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Fallon’s Monday Motivations (8/15/22)

Jimmy Fallon’s Monday Motivations (8/15/22)

You look normal when you run.

That houseplant died of old age. There was nothing you could do.

When you order a pizza, the guy on the phone is like, "Dang, I never thought of that topping combo, but it sounds amazing.”

Your dad says he's proud of you all the time. You're just never in the room when he's saying it.

Of course you're pulling off the hat. You're a total hat guy.

When you go into a store, the mannequins want to buy what you're wearing.

That can you just recycled? That's the one that saves the Earth.

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then you won me back with '9,000 pounds of cheese.' (The Can't-Understandables)

December 2012

 "Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets." –Jimmy Fallon

"Wait, we're facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That's not even the opening credits of 'The Hobbit'!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week a group of chefs baked the world's largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, 'You had me at 'world's largest pizza' — you LOST me at 'gluten-free' — then you won me back with '9,000 pounds of cheese.''" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of 'The Expendables 3,' along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie's next title: 'The Can't-Understandables.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They just called me young and outgoing! Thank you CHY-na!

Yesterday, Chinese state media called Donald Trump a “diplomatic rookie” who has an “inability to keep his mouth shut.” Or as Trump reported it, “They just called me young and outgoing! Thank you CHY-na!” –Jimmy Fallon

Starbucks is planning to open Italian bakeries in New York City and Chicago that will serve pizza. Good, because if there’s anywhere you can’t get a good slice of pizza, it’s NEW YORK CITY AND CHICAGO. –Jimmy Fallon