he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare (but they do have a laugh track)

“Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.” –David Letterman

“The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.” —David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they do have a laugh track (Disturb the War)

“The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.”—David Letterman

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want (an angry mob or a happy mob)

We’re just five days away from Super Bowl 51! And a new poll finds that the majority of Americans want the Atlanta Falcons to win. But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want. –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. It will feature the Little Long Tails going up against their rival, a red laser pointer. --Jimmy Fallon

We are just three days away from Super Bowl LII, which means that we’re just three days away from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an angry mob or a happy mob. --Jimmy Fallon

But it wasn’t all bad news for Cam Newton. He was named the NFL's Most Valuable Player at the NFL Honors on Saturday night. The ceremony went well, but it got weird when the Denver Broncos' defense took the award out of his hands and ran it for a touchdown. –Jimmy Fallon

Tom Brady said that he’s banned his dad from talking to the media after he spoke out against NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Tom is so embarrassed, this Sunday he’s making his dad drop him off a block away from the Super Bowl. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape (Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win?)

Last night was caucus night in Iowa and Ted Cruz was the winner on the Republican side with 28 percent of the vote. Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool. –Jimmy Kimmel

The New England Patriots made what turned out to be the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history to beat the Atlanta Falcons in overtime last night. Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? –Jimmy Kimmel

But what a game! The Eagles won their first Super Bowl ever, toppling Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. They said Tom Brady was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, so you LIKE protests now? (Both major parties need to go)

Some people are upset with Nike over the new campaign, and are even destroying their Nike gear in protest. Then Colin Kaepernick was like, "Oh, so you LIKE protests now?" --Jimmy Fallon

The NFL season kicked off tonight with a game between the Atlanta Falcons and the Philadelphia Eagles. And it's perfect timing for the Eagles' fans. 'Cause they just sobered up from the Super Bowl. --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania were cast members on "Real Housewives." [imitates Trump] "Do you know Melania?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track (a real manicure)

"Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he's like that new senator from Massachusetts. He's like Scott Brown, but with pants." –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney's case, a real manicure.” –David Letterman

“The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.” —David Letterman

"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? (Africa's Man of the Millennium)

“One of the funnier interactions, or lack thereof tonight, was Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi standing side by side, not talking to each other for the whole time, which was kind of rude on his part because she tried really hard to make him president.” —Jimmy Kimmel

The New England Patriots made what turned out to be the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history to beat the Atlanta Falcons in overtime last night. Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? –Jimmy Kimmel

In Elkmont, Alabama, last weekend a dog got loose and ended up on a half marathon. The dog saw all the people and just started running with them. She did well. She finished seventh place. She would have finished higher if she hadn't stopped every once in a while to sniff everyone's butts. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want (One of us oughta moon these Saxon dogs)

Tom Brady said that he’s banned his dad from talking to the media after he spoke out against NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Tom is so embarrassed, this Sunday he’s making his dad drop him off a block away from the Super Bowl. –Jimmy Fallon

We are just three days away from Super Bowl LII, which means that we’re just three days away from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an angry mob or a happy mob. --Jimmy Fallon

We’re just five days away from Super Bowl 51! And a new poll finds that the majority of Americans want the Atlanta Falcons to win. But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track (America in two headlines)

“The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.”—David Letterman

“Here's the latest on the Iran deal. Iran says they will not make nuclear weapons if the U.S. doesn't make more movies with Seth Rogen and James Franco.” —David Letterman

"Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, 'I'll handle this. I'm going to investigate myself.' So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, 'If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.'" –David Letterman

"Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she's still alive." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they just sobered up from the Super Bowl (decaying political machines)

The NFL season kicked off tonight with a game between the Atlanta Falcons and the Philadelphia Eagles. And it's perfect timing for the Eagles' fans. 'Cause they just sobered up from the Super Bowl. --Jimmy Fallon

Fantasy Football also began tonight. It's a fun way for people who are bad at real sports to realize that they're also bad at imaginary sports. --Jimmy Fallon

Later this season, too, the NFL will hold a game in Mexico. It's all part of the League's plan to combine as many things that Trump hates as possible. It's really clever. Rosie O'Donnell is doing the halftime show. Jeff Sessions is a referee. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wanna buy some bugs? (a loud and very girlish scream)

Thousands of bugs have been stolen from the Philadelphia Insectarium. Thieves made off with more than 7,000 bugs, including millipedes, rhinoceros roaches, lizards, frogs, snakes, and venomous spiders valued at more than $40,000. I get why people steal, but what's the plan after a theft like this? Unless you live in an ant farm, you walk around the street going, "Wanna buy some bugs?" --Jimmy Kimmel

There's a tweet on the subject, a warning. "If you see this six-eyed sand spider that is highly venomous, let the Philadelphia Insectarium know." Trust me, I'll let them know. I see that freaking thing? I'll let everybody know if I see it, probably with a loud and very girlish scream. --Jimmy Kimmel

The new NFL season kicked off tonight. The Eagles hosted the Atlanta Falcons in a game that also marked, perhaps more importantly, the start of a new Fantasy Football season. Most of the guys I know studied harder for their Fantasy Football draft this year than all of high school and college combined. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: people are wondering what the return policy is for presidents

A huge snowstorm is headed toward New York. Actually, the snowstorm is hitting the entire Northeast. In fact, Boston public schools have already announced that they’ll be closed tomorrow. Kids in Boston are like, “Are you kidding? We haven’t been in school since the Patriots won the Super Bowl!” –Jimmy Fallon

This morning President Trump actually went on Twitter to criticize Nordstrom for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s line and treating her unfairly. While Trump’s tweeting about a department store, a lot of people are wondering what the return policy is for presidents. –Jimmy Fallon

It seems like every day Trump’s upset about something else. And I guess now — this is real — he is complaining that the hand towels on Air Force One are not soft enough. Then the flight attendant said, “Sir, that’s my skirt.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Putin is scheduled to win by 12 goals (How about Wednesday?)

Vladimir Putin is scheduled to play an exhibition hockey game against former professional hockey players. Putin is scheduled to win by 12 goals. –Conan O’Brien

New research predicts that in 65 billion years, the moon will crash into the Earth. After hearing this, half of America said, “Hey, can we move that up a bit? How about Wednesday?” –Conan O’Brien

It is a holiday in Boston because the quarterback for the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, declared it a holiday. I did not know he had the power to do that. He gave everyone the day off today. I don’t think the mayor’s even allowed to give people — has an athlete ever overthrown a city government before? –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.”

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Trump calls that, “a landslide.” It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. –Jimmy Fallon

The Patriots celebrated their big Super Bowl win up in Boston. But I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey that went missing after the game. Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.” –Jimmy Fallon

Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name “Kylie.” Yeah, the judge called the case “not why I went to law school.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Has there ever been a president who hates America more? (Jefferson Davis)

Everyone watch the Super Bowl last night? Incredible. Full of surprises. The biggest comeback in Super Bowl history. Atlanta hasn’t been burned this badly since 1864. –Stephen Colbert

 The Falcons were running away with it. I almost turned it off. It was 28-3. Then in the third quarter, FBI Director James Comey announced he was opening an investigation into Matt Ryan’s emails. He claims it had no effect — I think it did. It rattled Ryan, clearly. –Stephen Colbert

The game is fun, but we all know everyone really tunes in for Bill O’Reilly’s interview with President Trump. Of course O’Reilly asked about the administration’s head coach, Vladimir Putin. [plays clip] O’Reilly: “Do you respect Putin?” Trump: “I do respect him.” O’Reilly: “Putin’s a killer.” Trump: “We've got a lot killers. What, do you think our country’s so innocent?” Ooh, I know that one: Yes! –Stephen Colbert

A president of the United States said, “You think our country’s so innocent?” Has there ever been a president who hates America more? I mean, besides Jefferson Davis. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Donald Trump was also named MVP, but it stood for “Mrs. Vladimir Putin.”

The Falcons were up 21-3 at halftime. And then Lady Gaga got the Patriots all fired up and they came out and that comeback really was — I am now 100 percent convinced that Tom Brady is one of those “Westworld” robots. –Jimmy Kimmel

Mark Wahlberg left early, so he didn’t steal it. Maybe it was the equipment manager Brady blamed for deflating those footballs. I hope it was him, because he deserves that $500,000 or whatever they’re going to get for it. –Jimmy Kimmel

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP last night. Donald Trump was also named MVP, but it stood for “Mrs. Vladimir Putin.” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? (Trump heroin)

Drug dealers are now stamping individually wrapped heroin packets with Donald Trump’s face. So finally a Trump-branded product that people actually want to buy. It’s selling like crazy. –Conan O’Brien

The New England Patriots made what turned out to be the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history to beat the Atlanta Falcons in overtime last night. Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? –Jimmy Kimmel

Just like the election — a rich white guy married to a model from another country, who seemingly had no chance of winning, actually did win. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: the baby’s name is Lucky Bastard Jones (trying to get Chipotle deported)

Yesterday shortly after the Super Bowl, a brand-new dad named his baby after Tom Brady. Yeah, the baby’s name is Lucky Bastard Jones. Good name for a kid. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump has sworn off McDonald’s and KFC. Not only that, he’s trying to get Chipotle deported. –Conan O’Brien

Ninety-seven tech companies have filed a legal brief opposing Donald Trump’s travel ban. Took a week though because all their IT guys were detained at the airport. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Mark Wahlberg didn’t leave alone, the Falcons' defense went with him

"50 Shades Darker" just released a new immersive virtual reality experience that claims to take you inside the movie. Or as wives everywhere put it, "Here’s my credit card. Why don't you and the kids go to the mall for a couple of hours?" –Jimmy Fallon

After yesterday’s closely fought Super Bowl, the Patriots were congratulated by Donald Trump. And the Falcons got a call from Hillary saying, “Welcome to my world, fellas.” –Conan O’Brien

According to a report, Mark Wahlberg left the Super Bowl during the third quarter because the Patriots were losing. He didn’t leave alone; the Falcons' defense went with him. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Another Super Bowl trophy, just throw it in the car

Congratulations to the New England Patriots, who won their fifth Super Bowl last night. You can tell that they’ve won a lot because when the commissioner presented the trophy, they just said, "Eh, just throw it in the car." –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, it was the first Super Bowl to ever go into overtime, which means right when George H.W. Bush was getting in bed they called and said, "We need you for another coin toss." –Jimmy Fallon

The world’s most expensive Lego brick, made out of 14 karat gold, just sold online for $15,000. The new owner says he’s pleased to add it to his collection and it just got vacuumed up by his mom. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html