It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial (Because he is!)

“Speaking of Donald Trump’s hush money trial, today after calling 20 witnesses over the past month, the prosecution rested their case. When he heard, Trump was like,  [imitating Trump] ‘Big deal, I’ve been resting the whole case.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Prosecutors concluded their case today. The defense is expected to rest tomorrow, and I have to say, I don’t think the defense has ever been more well rested than this one.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, Michael Cohen was back on the stand in Trump’s hush money trial and he admitted to stealing $30,000 from the Trump organization. It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale (he just thought the kid was poor)

"And a New York City auction house is having something unusual. It's selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices. The whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale." --Jay Leno

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Old lab rat meet new lab rat (It’s because they are all witches)

A new study is being conducted to explain why redheads seem to experience pain differently. I know why. It’s because they are all witches. —Colin Jost

Scientists have determined the cause of the mysterious deaths of dozens of African elephants was a bacterial infection, and not Margaret, the one elephant who stood to inherit everything. —Colin Jost

Dominos has launched a new program called Emergency Pizza, which offers customers a free pizza whenever they need it most. Which is strange because all of my emergencies come right after eating a Dominos pizza. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you know, typical ex-wives, they always make the guy look like the bad one (Promise/Reality)

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar." --Jay Leno

"Well here's some good terrorist gossip. Osama bin Laden's first wife has written a book about him. And you know, typical ex-wives, they always make the guy look like the bad one." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's so old that he remembers when the Dead Sea was still alive (Why Not Here?)

Joe Biden is so old that he remembers when the Dead Sea was still alive. —Bill Maher

Joe Biden is so old that he told the Wailing Wall to keep it down. —Bill Maher

Biden came home from Israel and made a speech about his trip and at the end of it they caught this on camera, somebody yells ‘clear’ and then somebody goes ‘that was great’. Of course, the bar for great in the Biden White House is like if Hunter doesn't walk in with an erection. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn that the arrest was for triple homicide (Leap of Faith Sushi)

"People are mad at Congress because of the shutdown. According to a new poll, 69 percent of Americans say that House Republicans are acting like children. I think they may have a point because when asked about it, Republicans said, 'Ha ha you said 69.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi." –Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend, a 102-year-old woman got herself arrested so she could check that off of her bucket list. Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn that the arrest was for triple homicide. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ingredients: None of your business (Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.)

Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light. –Seth Meyers

The U.N. General Assembly began today, and Donald Trump was scheduled to meet with the president of Egypt. Said Trump, “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.” –Seth Meyers

An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled "How to Murder Your Husband" was arrested yesterday, for the alleged murder of her husband. But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay, "How to Poison Your Lawyer." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I would kill for one of those letters (Oh yeah, I remember that bush)

Yesterday, FBI Director James Comey got a letter from President Trump informing him that his services were no longer needed. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “I would kill for one of those letters.” –Conan O’Brien

After news of the James Comey firing broke last night, Press Secretary Sean Spicer avoided reporters by hiding behind a bush outside the White House. Today, Bill Clinton said, “Oh yeah, I remember that bush.” –Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump promised to bring back “the spirit and prestige of the FBI.” Trump said, “When I’m arrested, I want to be arrested by the very best.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

PLEASE give her some more hush money (his worst nightmare)

I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, “Blac Chyna.” Or as Donald Trump calls that, “his worst nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.” —Jimmy Fallon

A lawyer for Stormy Daniels went on Megyn Kelly’s show today and said, “She can describe the president’s genitalia in great detail.” Then Americans were like, “PLEASE give her some more hush money.” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts (Divide and Conquer Strategy)

"Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." –Bill Maher

"Meg Whitman is running on a platform that's tough on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. If we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska." –Bill Maher

"It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga (Promise vs Reality)

"According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. In fact, the Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien

Today is the first day of summer. Or as my skin calls it, "Melanoma-palooza." In Beverly Hills it was 108. Of course, because it was Beverly Hills, it only looked 90. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I want those guys, they’re the best (Promise vs Reality)

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

President Trump has begun hiring more people from President George W. Bush’s administration. Trump specifically asked for the Iraq guy and the Katrina guy. “I want those guys, they’re the best.” –Conan O’Brien

Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle. –Conan O’Brien

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What do you think I'm doing behind this podium right now? (At least we hope that was his middle finger)

September 2013

"It should be in the dictionary: 'Black-track,' the act of changing one's mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: 'Pulling a one-hatey,' or the 'Kenyan boomerang.'" –Bill Maher

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he'd lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, 'What do you think I'm doing behind this podium right now?'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Now that it’s been 60 years, Americans must accept the fact that rock stars like to mime sex acts on stage. Yes, they’re acting all hot and horny but they're a lot like Congress; when all is said and done, what they're actually doing is f**king nothing." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All Lives Matter for Dummies (It's called Monsanto)

September 2013

"The peacemaker between the US and Syria is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison. " –Bill Maher

"The way it's going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store." –Bill Maher

"It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto." –Bill Maher

"Putin wrote that Op Ed in The New York Times yesterday and lectured America on democracy. This is like getting parenting notes from Billy Ray Cyrus." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who does he think he is, Monsanto? (Congress doing math)

June 2013

"Obama decided we're going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out McCain's bad ideas." –Bill Maher

"The great news about getting into another war in the Middle East is that the next one's free." –Bill Maher 

"It has been alleged that Syrian President Assad used chemicals weapons. Using harmful chemicals to hurt your own people – who does he think he is, Monsanto?" –Bill Maher

"Bill Clinton has been acting weird lately. I don't know why, but it started the day Michael Douglas said you can get cancer from cunnilingus." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Monsanto Paid Google To Bury Unfavorable Glyphosate News — The Political Vigilante

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bahrain is what Donald Trump calls the thing in his head (with all that cookie money)

According to The New York Times, Rudy Giuliani was in Bahrain this week to get a contract for his firm. Incidentally, a Bahrain is what Donald Trump calls the thing in his head. --Seth Meyers

According to The Wall Street Journal, the Boy Scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy. Meanwhile, the Girl Scouts are planning to buy a house in the Hamptons with all that cookie money. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

For Donald Trump they had to invent a new scale (The Bottomless Pinocchio)

The Washington Post fact checkers are changing their policy. It used to be that when a politician would lie, The Post would judge the lie on a scale of one to four Pinocchio’s. But Trump is such a prolific liar, they’ve had to introduce a new level: The Bottomless Pinocchio. 

To qualify for this Bottomless Pinocchio rating, “The claims must have received three or four Pinocchio’s from the fact checker, and they must have been repeated at least 20 times.” 

But so far The Post has not identified any other current elected official who meets the standard other than Trump. Well, that’s quite a distinction. For Donald Trump they had to invent a new scale. Just like the one at the White House that only goes to 239 pounds. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, honey. If the date ends with you cutting a check, that’s not love (which publications my porn stars spanked me with)

When he saw he was in trouble with the justice department, Donald Trump appealed to a higher authority: Fox News. Trump was asked about the National Enquirer controversy he said, “I don’t think we made a payment to that tabloid. I always forget which publications I paid to silence my porn stars and which publications my porn stars spanked me with.” --Stephen Colbert

In the Fox News interview Trump did his best to bring the conversation back to complimenting himself. Trump said, “I have the greatest base in the history of politics. I have a lot of people that I love and that love me, and that includes a lot of women.” Oh, honey. If the date ends with you cutting a check, that’s not love. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it wouldn’t be fair to Mrs. Loaf and the three young meatballs (Sweet, I Love Magic!)

Even Meat Loaf turned down the chief of staff job. Meat Loaf said, “I’d be honored to take the job, but it wouldn’t be fair to Mrs. Loaf and the three young meatballs. --Stephen Colbert

There is a reason the job search has been so difficult. Reportedly, any candidate for the chief of staff job has to win the approval of Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump. So, congratulations to new chief of staff, Mohammed bin Salman! --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”