Multiply that by 1.8 million (Boy, is he going to regret that tomorrow)

A killer executed in Florida requested an unpleasant last meal of peanut butter, oatmeal, and two sports drinks. Boy, is he going to regret that tomorrow. —Greg Gutfeld 

Pete Hegseth replaced some of the soldiers in the Texas National Guard because they were too fat. He says it's been years since some of these troops have seen their privates. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he'll be the meat in many sandwiches (And by it, he means bullets)

After Trump deployed the National Guard to DC, Chuck Schumer says that Republicans who are scared to walk outside are full of it. And by it, he means bullets. —Greg Gutfeld

A DC man has been charged with felony assault after hitting a federal agent with a Subway sandwich. The agent is fine, but the accused is heading to jail where he'll be the meat in many sandwiches. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You have to vote for the really really really ridiculously bad party (the honor system)

"In his speech, President Bush outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

you know, just like he did in the National Guard (the suffering is what makes it special)

The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know, just like he did in the National Guard. –David Letterman

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused. –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m just happy that he’s not sending military aid somewhere (stop knocking on my dressing room door)

President Biden said that the National Guard should not be called in to deal with campus protests. I’m just happy that he’s not sending military aid somewhere. —Michael Che

May is National Masturbation Month, so stop knocking on my dressing room door. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

enormous flaws that I don't work on (time to break out the old 'Mission Accomplished' banner)

"A retired Air Force colonel said that U.S. military operations are already under way in Iran. You know what that means, time to break out the old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jay Leno

"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They've got you right where they want you (Any one of those things could trigger movement)

"As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time President Bush feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as his running mate. Well, Biden has 35 years of experience in Washington. So between the two of them, that's almost 36 years of experience." " --Jay Leno

 

"Hillary Clinton called President Bush's explanation strange and far-fetched. Let me tell you something, if anyone has heard strange and far-fetched explanations from a president of the United States, it is Hillary, so she knows what she's talking about." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's not sex trafficking if you use Venmo (the California Bank of Dank Stank)

California is looking into creating a state bank for the legal marijuana industry. They're gonna call it the California Bank of Dank Stank. --Conan O’Brien

It is so cold in the midwest that truck nuts have actually moved up inside the truck. --Conan O’Brien

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin. Not because of the cold, but because someone ate a vegetable. It was a brussel sprout. The national guard has been called in. --Conan O’Brien

Trump said he now supports a plan for young immigrants to become citizens. When asked why, Trump said, "Because I may have to look for a new wife soon." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville! (This is bat country)

"Today is Vladimir Putin's 62nd birthday. He celebrated the way he always does: having someone try his cake before him." –Jimmy Fallon

After meeting with Democratic leaders, it seems like Donald Trump changed his mind on DACA. Democrats were like, “Yeah, we told him it stood for Doughnuts Across America.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie recently ordered the leader of the New Jersey National Guard to lose weight within the next 90 days. And if he doesn't, Christie will eat him. –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Gee, too bad they didn't try that before we invaded Iraq (Smart Walls)

 

"On the port deal, a lot of Republican congressmen are saying let's not rush to judgment, let's investigate it and be sure of our facts. Gee, too bad they didn't try that before we invaded Iraq." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was only in Afghanistan for four hours. That may not sound like much, but it's more time than he spent in the Texas National Guard." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton says she wants a smart wall at the Mexican border. The only thing that could beat a smart wall is a smart Wal-Mart." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If Bush wins I’ll call it off (Names and Addresses)

According to a new book that is coming out when President Bush was on National Guard duty he would sometimes sneak off to snort cocaine and smoke marijuana. When he heard this President Bush said, “That's ridiculous. I never showed up for National Guard duty.” --Conan O’Brien 9/8/2004

During a speech yesterday Dick Cheney said if John Kerry is elected president America will face another attack. Then Cheney said, “If Bush wins I’ll call it off.” --Conan O’Brien 9/8/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?' (the same mistakes)

"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno

"Bush is going to send more troops to Iraq. That's the solution. And I was thinking, you think he'd being doing this if he were still in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"People who watched the speech said President Bush looked uncomfortable. And I was thinking, of course -- he was in a library surrounded by books." --David Letterman

"After hearing the president's speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael

"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno

"On Thursday, the president will follow up his speech by going to the Arizona border, which is historic. It will be the first time Bush has actually ever shown up with a National Guard unit." --Jay Leno

"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

So, now the only fictional president is Bush (Bush holds breath for 9 minutes)

"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman

"President Bush addressed the United States about immigration. This was odd. During the speech, he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes." --David Letterman

"President Bush is sending National Guard members to the Mexican border. And I'm telling you, between Iraq and the Mexican border, the National Guard is stretched tighter than Joan Rivers' face." --David Letterman

If the winner ends up in Newark, what the hell happens to the loser?

"President Bush announced a plan to send 6,000 members of the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexico border. When asked where we'll come up with 6,000 additional troops, the president said, 'Simple, we'll hire illegal immigrants.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The newly elected mayor of New Jersey hired Apprentice winner Randall Pinkett. Which begs the question, If the winner of 'The Apprentice' ends up in Newark, what the hell happens to the loser?" --Conan O'Brien

"A British scientist has built a car he claims can get 8,000 miles on a gallon of gas. And today, Dick Cheney invited the guy to go hunting with him." --Jay Leno

That's what terrorism and gay people are for (remind me why I thought this was a good idea)

"Talk about an ordeal. Yesterday Senator Ted Kennedy was on an aircraft up here in the northeast and it was hit by lightning. They landed, luckily no one was hurt. But then he had to ride home from the airport with his son Patrick." --David Letterman

George W. Bush, “America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone. We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.

Jon Stewart,  "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days.]" --Jon Stewart

missiles that could reach Graceland (Sound familiar?)

"The Japanese Prime Minister joined the United States in condemning North Korea's missile policy. The Japanese Prime Minister was really upset when he found out they had missiles that could reach Graceland." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, "You can't take millions of people with deep roots in the country and send them across the border." Really? Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno

"Today was Dan Rather's last day at CBS. He turned in his letter of resignation, which later turned out to be a forgery." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno

No word yet on the mental (Hot and Cold)

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman 

"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican border. The guards will track down and find  illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Al Gore starring in a new documentary about global warming. I believe it's called [Leno snores]. The film actually features Al Gore and explores his journey on how he first got interested in temperature change. It started back when he was vice president. He noticed how the temperature would change, like whenever Bill would walk into the room, it would get warm and whenever Hillary walked into the room, it got cold." --Jay Leno

our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants (c*ck fights)

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"Kenyan Muslims believe that a five-and-a-half pound tuna caught in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Mombasa, carries a message from Allah written among its scales. In a related story, this doctor [shows a picture of Bill Frist] doesn't think doesn't think condoms stop AIDS. And that's this week's edition of 'Religion Gone Nuts.'" --Tina Fey

  

"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They want the Guard troops doing what they do best: freaking people out at Amtrak stations." --Amy Poehler

"A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage." --Amy Poehler

29% approval rating (WMD unicorn)

"As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time President Bush feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush is pretty serious about this enforcement thing. In fact, before he left the border, he put up a scarecrow of Dick Cheney with a shotgun." --Jay Leno

"The Senate voted to make English the national language. More bad news for President Bush. Now he's got to learn that." --Jay Leno