gang signs (pulled out a little too late)

Elon Musk announced that he will step back from his role with DOGE. But as always, Elon pulled out a little too late. —Michael Che

It was reported that the Homeland Security Department has created a method to assess tattoos and determine if they are gang signs. The way it works is they check to see if the tattoo is on brown skin. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Guests love it until the couple's first dance is a 45-minute song by Phish (23,000 years)

That's right, more people are handing out weed at their wedding. Guests love it until the couple's first dance is a 45-minute song by Phish. --Jimmy Fallon

After Peyton Manning was asked about his future, he responded by saying, "I'll drink a lot of Budweiser tonight." Which is why today, he signed endorsement deals with Tylenol, Gatorade, and a tattoo removal clinic. –Jimmy Fallon

The Patriots celebrated their big Super Bowl win up in Boston. But I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey that went missing after the game. Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One of them even lost an eye... 26 (a solid 24)

In a recent interview, President Trump revealed he has only been sleeping four or five hours a night. While Ben Carson is still getting a solid 24. –Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just saying that if Joe Biden was a balcony I wouldn't step out on him for a smoke (sucker punch)

The horse race it's not looking too good for President Biden. He’s now losing to all three of the top Republican contenders and there is something very bad politically looming for him next week. His birthday. He’s going to be 81 and we've never had a president who's 81. It doesn't mean he can’t do it, I'm just saying, I like the guy, but I'm just saying that if Joe Biden was a balcony I wouldn't step out on him for a smoke. —Bill Maher

Kevin McCarthy, the former speaker of the House was accused of sucker punching a fellow senator in the kidneys. It’s embarrassing watching these guys act all tough. Kevin McCarthy is so tough he’s got a tear tattoo for the time he killed Medicare. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth (Do Not Resuscitate)

Mark Zuckerberg completed day two of his congressional testimony about security breaches. Things got a little tense when Zuckerberg referred to each senator by their PIN number. --Conan O’Brien

DEA officials have seized 500 pounds of meth concealed inside Disney figurines, which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth. --Conan O’Brien

A 104-year-old man just became the oldest person in the world to get a first tattoo. The tattoo says, "Do Not Resuscitate." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired (Be like Han/Uh, mammal?)

Ted Cruz's dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz's wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I'm not sure that's what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, “Run!!” –Jimmy Fallon

"When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, 'Uh, mammal?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired." –Jimmy Fallon

Whole Foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo parlors in their grocery stores. Even so, the people walking out of Whole Foods with the biggest sense of regret will still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, in that same time, I could have slept with Stormy Daniels…82 times. Maybe 90! (Don't you dare tell me how to freedom)

But it wasn’t all bad news for Cam Newton. He was named the NFL's Most Valuable Player at the NFL Honors on Saturday night. The ceremony went well, but it got weird when the Denver Broncos' defense took the award out of his hands and ran it for a touchdown. –Jimmy Fallon

After Peyton Manning was asked about his future, he responded by saying, "I'll drink a lot of Budweiser tonight." Which is why today, he signed endorsement deals with Tylenol, Gatorade, and a tattoo removal clinic. –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Trump's speech was over 5,000 words long. To give you an idea of how many that is, that's roughly the same word count as Adam Levine's chest. --Jimmy Fallon

That's right. Trump spoke for 82 minutes. He was like, [Fallon as Trump], "Wow, in that same time, I could have slept with Stormy Daniels… 82 times. Maybe 90!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You come from a strong line of lunatics (The people who live above me are furious)

I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious. --Steven Wright

I'm gonna get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller. --Steven Wright

I bought an album that teaches you different languages. You put the album on, you put headphones on, and you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day and I could only stutter in Spanish. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have personally donated thousands of dollars to people who slide down poles for a living (Uh ... that was also rehab)

Hey, I want to say happy birthday to SpongeBob SquarePants, who just turned 20. You can tell he's getting old because, today, they changed his name to SpongeBob DadJeans. --Jimmy Fallon

And listen to this. I heard that you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Kentucky Derby horse for $200. So if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking. --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump was going crazy on Twitter because a big firefighters union decided to endorse Joe Biden instead of him. He's really upset with this union. He sent a tweet that said, "I've done more for firefighters than this dues-sucking union will ever do." Then he added, "I have personally donated thousands of dollars to people who slide down poles for a living." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, 'Uh ... that was also rehab.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Mike Tyson was like, 'That's a ridiculous tattoo.' (So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best)

November 2012

"The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Even Mike Tyson was like, 'That's a ridiculous tattoo.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I got up the next day and I could only stutter in Spanish (You just might be a republican)

I woke up and I was folding my bed back into a couch and I almost broke both my arms because it wasn’t one of those types of couches. --Steven Wright

I went through a stop sign and the police stopped me. They said why did you go through the sign. I said, hey I don’t believe everything I read. --Steven Wright

I'm gonna get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller. --Steven Wright

I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious. --Steven Wright

I bought an album that teaches you different languages. You put the album on, you put headphones on, and you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day and I could only stutter in Spanish. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

it’s due to a new phenomenon occurring among millennials called turning 30

Apple’s new operating system gets rid of the feature that tells you how much battery time you have left on your laptop. People will have no idea they’re about to lose power. Or as Democrats put it, “Been there.” –Jimmy Fallon

More millennials are looking to get rid of extra piercings and even remove their tattoos. Researchers say it’s due to a new phenomenon occurring among millennials called turning 30. –Jimmy Fallon

said a girl with a lower back tattoo (or maybe she didn’t)

Harry Reid is the guy that gets a rat in his bucket at KFC and says, “Well, they’re trying their best.” –Seth Meyers

China’s highest court ruled last week that Michael Jordan owns the rights to his name in Chinese characters. “I thought that meant ‘bravery,’” said a girl with a lower back tattoo. –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton gave a speech last week criticizing the epidemic of fake news being spread … or maybe she didn’t. –Seth Meyers

Well, look who's just as cool as Kanye Bieber (naked restaurant)

This Sunday is Father's Day and it's also Game 7 of the NBA Finals, the final round of the U.S. Open, and a new episode of "Game of Thrones." Kids were like, "We're going spend the whole day bringing you beers, aren't we?" And you go, "Yeah, yeah." –Jimmy Fallon

Some male celebrities, like Kanye West and Justin Bieber, are wearing ripped jeans that cost up to $900. Or as dads with only one old pair of jeans put it, "Well, look who's just as cool as Kanye Bieber." –Jimmy Fallon

A naked restaurant is opening in Japan next month, but apparently they’re banning customers who are overweight, over 60-years-old, or have tattoos. They said the last thing they want at their naked restaurant is a bunch of weirdos. –Jimmy Fallon