She became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant (Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service)

"The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: 'Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'" –Seth Meyers

"New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again and again that it leads to virtually no recreation. That's how safe it is." –Seth Meyers

"A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if they lose Scotland, they could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts (Learn how you fool yourself)

"The official ballot is one line: 'Should Scotland be an independent country?' And that's it. Why is it that I have to go through 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8 while a whole country can secede from the United Kingdom by checking a box that says 'Yes'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

The Republican senators were very careful with Dr. Ford. In fact, they were too scared to even question her. They hired a surrogate, a female prosecutor from Arizona. No kidding. They brought her in to do it for them. The way they found this prosecutor is very interesting. Sen. Chuck Grassley, the chairman of the judiciary committee, didn't like the optics of 11 Republican men questioning one woman so one of his aides suggested, "Why don't you hire a female lawyer to ask the questions?" And Grassley was like, "There are female lawyers?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The people of Scotland are voting on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes for Independence, it could have major ramifications. Great Britain is concerned that if they lose Scotland, they could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congrats Elise! I heard the president dropped your name (because that is where I keep most of my stuff)

“I’m in a very good mood, the kind you get when you find a dollar on the sidewalk, or you realize that our children may not be doomed to a fiery hellscape. The pep in my step is largely because this weekend, Senate Democrats finally passed a bill to fight climate change. Finally! Thank God we’re going to at least try to save the planet, because that is where I keep most of my stuff.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Inflation Reduction Act, passed 51-50 with a tie-breaking vote by Vice-President Kamala Harris, apportions nearly $400 Billion over 10 years in tax credits aimed at steering consumers to electric vehicles, with the goal of cutting emissions by about 40%. So from now on we’re putting only good things into the air, like donut-flavored vape smoke.” —Stephen Colbert

“It will also make good on Democrats’ years-long pledge to reduce prescription drug costs for the elderly. That is good news for the elderly, or as Chuck Grassley and Dianne Feinstein call them, ‘those damn kids!’” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman provided evidence to support a previous story that Donald Trump tried to flush shreds of White House documents down the toilet. Over the weekend, Haberman revealed photos from a White House source revealing scraps of paper at the bottom of a toilet bowl. To be fair, it’s unclear if those are official White House documents or his toilet’s suicide note, although the papers did appear to have Trump’s Sharpie handwriting, as well as the name ‘Stefanik’ written on them (as in the Republican congresswoman Elise Stefanik of New York). Congrats Elise! I heard the president dropped your name.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, he wasn’t invited to the orgy (We will investigate the feasibility of an orgy at a later date)

March 2022

“Speaking of right-wing weirdos, there’s some splashback to the story from North Carolina congressman and haunted jack-in-the-box, Madison Cawthorn. Recently, Cawthorn made some extraordinary claims that his Republican colleagues in Congress are orgy-frequenting degenerates with a fondness for hard drugs. Given the average age of the G.O.P., I assume they’re snorting Boniva.” —Stephen Colbert

“Come on, man, do you really expect us to believe that Congress could plan and execute an orgy? At best, I can see them announcing an exploratory committee that would begin to investigate the feasibility of an orgy at a later date.” —Seth Meyers

“House G.O.P. leader Kevin McCarthy called Cawthorn into his office today, maybe hoping to score an invite or to tell him to stop narcing.” —Seth Meyers

“Rep. Dan Crenshaw of Texas said, ‘It does paint the picture here that isn’t accurate.’ Thank god, because that picture is too awful to be real. I’ve interviewed 80 members of Congress, and I’d have sex with two and a half of them. Not at the same time, of course — I’m not in the G.O.P.” —Stephen Colbert

“This whole group of pro-Trump toadies is just so weird and loathsome, like Texas Senator Ted Cruz, for example, who, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, wasn’t invited to the orgy.” —Seth Meyers

“Oh, please don’t name names, because all those names go with faces we know.” —Seth Meyers

“Also, I got to say, if they were having orgies and doing cocaine, I would actually find that impressive. I mean, they’re all 70 and 80 years old. If you told me Chuck Grassley was snorting blow and boning nonstop, I’d be like, ‘Damn, maybe he’s more with it than I thought.’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Spice rubs that flavor the rich (You lost us at Ketanji)

“Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson Supreme Court confirmation hearings continued on Tuesday, and I couldn’t help but notice how Republicans made their biases clear. I think your dog whistle’s busted, guys. Everyone can hear it now!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“But despite the gratuitous attacks, Judge Jackson has been very cool under pressure. They don’t have anything real to criticize, so they’ve been trying to portray her as being soft on crime, which is interesting because she’s been endorsed by both the International Association of Police Chiefs and the Fraternal Order of Police — and the band The Police. Even Sting is in her corner.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“How soft are Republicans talking here, do we think? Like, ‘not handing out maximum sentences’ levels of soft or, you know, ‘deciding to look the other way after Jan. 6’ levels of soft?” —James Corden

“It’s funny listening to the same people who let the president get away with trying to overthrow the government call anyone ‘soft on crime,’ but that’s how it goes.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson made an opening statement yesterday, got praise from both sides of the aisle. Republican Senator Chuck Grassley said he liked it and his wife liked it, too. Judge Jackson got the coveted Barbara Grassley seal of approval.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“But not every Republican was impressed. Senators Marsha Blackburn and Josh Hawley were like, ‘You lost us at Ketanji.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, but with all the wars we just can't afford you (the subtle racism jamboree)

March 2022

“Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearings kicked off in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee on Monday. The hearings give a number of our Republican senators a chance to compete in one of their favorite events: the subtle racism jamboree.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“She doesn’t need any Republican votes to get confirmed because the vice president is the tiebreaker, which would be — that would be the G.O.P.’s ultimate nightmare: having this decided by two Black women whose names they can’t pronounce.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I saw that top Republican leading the hearings, Chuck Grassley, is 88 years old. Wow. When it was his turn to speak he was like, ‘Tell us who you are, and then tell me who I am.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Googling ‘Mushroom p*nis normal?’ (soften the blow)

October 2021

“Donald Trump really thought he could get away with throwing out the vote. He told people at the D.O.J., ‘You guys aren’t following the internet the way I do,’ which I assume means they aren’t Googling ‘Mushroom penis normal?’ over and over again.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Fortunately, lawyers at the Department of Justice threatened to resign en masse if he replaced the attorney general, who refused to do his dirty work, with one of his cronies, who presumably would. He’s such a Karen, isn’t he? ‘Let me speak to the attorney general! He won’t? Well, does he have a supervisor? Put him on the phone!’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, there was no acknowledgment of this attempted coup — and that’s what it was — from his fellow Republicans. Senator Chuck Grassley’s office this morning issued the G.O.P. version of the report, which says, and I quote: ‘Trump listened to his senior advisers and he followed their advice and recommendations,’ which is a nice way of saying he wanted to overthrow the government but the lawyers wouldn’t let him do it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only way it would be more infectious is if the dinner was all-you-can-bob lasagna buffet (I’m ready, Jesus)

July 2020

“Despite the record number of cases, Florida is still the planned site for next month’s Republican national convention, which Trump moved to Jacksonville from Charlotte, North Carolina, after the latter state instituted public health measures such as mask protocols and physical distancing for attendees. The show is still planned to go on, though numerous high-ranking Republicans, such as the Senators Mitt Romney, Chuck Grassley and Lamar Alexander, have said they won’t attend the event. I don’t blame any of these people for not going, because party officials were also considering docking cruise ships in the city’s port to provide extra lodging. So you’re in Florida spending all day in an auditorium full of screaming people who won’t wear masks, then you go home to sleep on a floating petri dish? The only way it would be more infectious is if the dinner was all-you-can-bob lasagna buffet.” —Stephen Colbert

“As one G.O.P. representative put it, ‘Everybody just assumes no one is going.’ Yeah, even the R.S.V.P.s say, ‘Check one: “Not attending,” “What? No!,” or “I’m ready, Jesus.” —Stephen Colbert

“Also closed are all indoor restaurant-zoos, like Actual Panda Express. Oh, yeah, they’ll eat you. They run out of bamboo, they move on to the man-boo.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but since it was coming from a woman, Grassley didn't believe her (Out of habit, Kavanaugh brought a keg)

The nation was gripped today by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's emotional testimony on Capitol Hill against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. As Dr. Ford was speaking, Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly preparing for his own testimony in Vice President Mike Pence's office. Out of habit, Kavanaugh brought a keg. --James Corden

You know you're radioactive when even President Trump was like, "Uh, yeah, I'm busy. Maybe go hang around with Mike." --James Corden

At one point, Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley interrupted and talked over Sen. Dianne Feinstein. Sen. Feinstein said it was her turn to speak, but since it was coming from a woman, Grassley didn't believe her. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There are female lawyers? (The Lyin' King)

The Republican senators were very careful with Dr. Ford. In fact, they were too scared to even question her. They hired a surrogate, a female prosecutor from Arizona. No kidding. They brought her in to do it for them. The way they found this prosecutor is very interesting. Sen. Chuck Grassley, the chairman of the judiciary committee, didn't like the optics of 11 Republican men questioning one woman so one of his aides suggested, "Why don't you hire a female lawyer to ask the questions?" And Grassley was like, "There are female lawyers?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Melania Trump has the right idea. With everything that's going on, she's getting the hell out of town. Our first lady is headed overseas next week as part of her "Be as Far Away From My Husband as Possible" campaign. She's going to Africa. Melania feels a strong connection to Africa because she's married to the Lyin' King. --Jimmy Kimmel

Did you know that today is Google's 20th anniversary? It's true —Google it. Traditional gift for a 20th anniversary is china. Unfortunately, Google is banned in China, so we can't do that. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”