Help! My Dad’s a Nectarine! (Wow, thanks! said the Army)

Hillary Clinton today responded to her status as the presumptive nominee, calling it a “historic, unprecedented moment.” Said Hillary, “Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.” –Seth Meyers

It is being reported that Ivanka Trump is writing a book titled “Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules of Success.” Which is better than the original title, “Help! My Dad’s a Nectarine!” –Seth Meyers

President Obama yesterday called the Denver Broncos one of the greatest defenses of all time. “Wow, thanks!” said the Army. –Seth Meyers

It looks like the general election will come down to Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. Which is fitting, really, since she'll be the first female nominee of her party, and he'll be his party's last nominee. –Stephen Colbert