"Earth is in trouble.
A new study found that in Greenland, polar bears' genitals are shrinking due to
industrial pollutants. This is what's happening and the Bush administration, of
course, is denying the science. They're saying the reason the polar bear's
package is smaller this year -- they just got out of the water." --Bill
Maher
"A panel of
scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain
the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told
him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher
"Let's also begin
tonight with quick updates on two men with that have more in common than you
might think. Each is an outspoken defender of his religion. Each embroiled in
heated negotiations. And each is tiny [on screen: Tom Cruise and Iranian Pres.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad]. The difference, of course, is only one denies the
Holocaust ever happened. The other simply believes the galactic overlord Xenu
flew humans to Earth in DC-8s and then hydrogen-bombed them into volcanoes.
What's next for the two men? Well, Cruise will be soon heading up his own
independent production company, while Ahmadinejad will soon have a nuclear
weapon." --Jon Stewart
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