On one hand, you have an out-of-control maniac, and on the other hand, there's Osama bin Laden

"A former sex slave of Osama bin Laden now has a book coming out. In the book, she says that Osama bin Laden is in love with Whitney Houston. It would be interesting. On the one hand, you have an out-of-control maniac, and then on the other hand, there's Osama bin Laden." --David Letterman

"As three years have gone by, it's grown harder and harder (for Iraqis) to find the right way to say 'thank you.' Everyone knew before the war that Iraq had huge stockpiles of gratitude [on screen: piles of gifts inside a 'gratitude bunker.']. He [President Bush just wants a little thoughtfulness, that's all. It's not like the president thought that the U.S. would be greeted as liberators or handed flowers. I mean, he's not retarded ... but a note, a gesture. My sources in Washington say the president gets up every day, walks to the mailbox, and asks, 'Any cards?' But always, nothing. There's an Iraqi word for that kind of ingratitude -- 'chutzpuh.' If they don't act fast, Iraqis could lose the 'Battle for American Hearts and Minds.' And if that happens, things over here could turn ugly." --Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi