"They're calling this
one of the worst collapses in U.S. Open history. On the last hole, Phil
Mickelson shot into the hospitality tent. The next shot he hit a tree. You
know, the last time a rich white guy aimed this bad was when Dick Cheney shot a
lawyer in the face." --Jay Leno
"It turns out al
Qaeda had a plot to put poisonous gas in the New York City subway system and
then abandoned the idea at the last minute. Well, sure, once it mixed with the
toxic fumes and vile odors already in the subway, who would have noticed? New
Yorkers would have been like, 'Is that Febreeze?'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush is
creating a Marine sanctuary in the Pacific Ocean off the northwest islands of
Hawaii. You know what that means? No oil there." --Jay Leno
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