I hate myself. There’s no other explanation. Thank you! (Sir, this is a liquor store)

At around 9pm, Trump entered the arena like Rocky Balboa, if Rocky fought for Russia. The former president was supposed to arrive later, but changed his schedule to hear his former rivals Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis endorse him in person. 

Yes, the former president changed his whole schedule so he could watch his defeated rivals forced to sing his praise, while he drank a Diet Coke made out of a goblet of Chris Christie’s skull. Nikki Haley’s speech was kind of like: “I hate myself. There’s no other explanation. Thank you!” 

Haley also turned the ass-kissing up to 11 when she said: “Donald Trump has my strong endorsement, period.” Seriously, question mark? Because I remember when you called him ‘unhinged’, exclamation point. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lies the rich and corporations tell (And Trump did it without Wilt Chamberlain or Jerry West)

“Our one-time commander-in-thief scored the most guilty verdicts of every president ever. Thirty-four in all, topping the 1972 Lakers, who won 33 in a row. And Trump did it without Wilt Chamberlain or Jerry West.” —Jimmy Kimmel

It was a day that will be written about in history books. And for those of you watching in Florida, history books are things you used to have in your schools before Ron DeSantis was governor. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he is clearly past his expiration date (not long)

The lights of the aurora borealis could be seen as far south as Florida, where Governor DeSantis immediately banned the sky for displaying a Pride flag. —Stephen Colbert

“Michael Cohen testified today that Donald Trump once asked him how long he’d be single if Melania were to leave him and said, ‘How long do you think I’d be on the market for? Not long.’ Coincidentally, ‘not long’ is how Stormy Daniels described it.” —Stephen Colbert

“But it’s true — he would be off the market soon. I mean, he is clearly past his expiration date.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To quote Winston Churchill, ‘you can also just [expletive] Google it (geographical origin)

“This is one of the most spectacular political crash-and-burns of all time. At least DeSantis doesn’t have to worry about banning history books anymore, because he won’t be in them.” — Stephen Colbert

“Ron DeSantis posted a video announcing that he was dropping out, and during it he attributed a quote about failure to Winston Churchill, but Churchill never actually said it. See, this is what happens when you ban textbooks.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The International Churchill Society says on its website, ‘We can find no attribution for the quote, and it is found nowhere in his canon.’ Now, I know a lot of people are saying DeSantis could have fact-checked that in one of the books he banned, but that’s not fair. To quote Winston Churchill, ‘you can also just [expletive] Google it.’” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Militarization of the federal budget (pudding fingers)

“Ron DeSantis met with his advisers, and they were, like, ‘Ron, how do we put this? There’s a better chance of you being a judge on “RuPaul’s Drag Race” than being president of the United States.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“It’s estimated that Ron DeSantis spent $2,263 per vote he got. It literally would have been cheaper to buy each of his supporters a Peloton bike.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t understand why Americans didn’t rally behind a guy who declared war on the Magic Kingdom, attacked trans kids, denied Covid, kidnapped migrants and flew them to Martha’s Vineyard, and ate pudding with his fingers.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, Donald, this is your speech. Sorry! (Neither side is the answer)

Vivek Ramaswamy dropped out of the 2024 presidential race on Monday after finishing fourth at the Iowa caucuses. The 38-year-old entrepreneur endorsed former President Donald Trump and supported him at a rally in New Hampshire on Tuesday. Everyone was on the edge of their seat just to hear how Trump would pronounce Vivek Ramaswamy. —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Ramaswamy took the stage and praised Trump for eight minutes. Then he was, like, ‘Wait, Donald, this is your speech. Sorry!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“So the DeSantis train is steaming on to New Hampshire, where he is currently polling at 5 percent. But don’t give up, Ron, because when asked which candidate they preferred, 2 percent refused to answer. If they’re ashamed to say it out loud, that’s a DeSantis voter.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Your honor, I’ll now be represented by the law firm of Linguini & Clams, thank you (Are you rich enough yet?)

“As was expected, Trump won the caucus tiny-handedly despite barely visiting Iowa. The Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, came in second with 21%, while Nikki Haley came in third with 19%. Still, Haley, definitely wins the award for glass half full of it. After her bronze medal finish, Haley said: ‘I can safely say tonight, Iowa made this Republican primary a two-person race.’ Well if it did, you’re not one of them! You came in third!” —Jimmy Fallon

Trump, meanwhile, still faces several trials without some of his lawyers. His top three lawyers recently quit, including head lawyer Joey Tacopina. He lost Joey Taco! How do you lose Joey Taco? Who’s even left, Vinny Pepperoni? ‘Your honor, I’ll now be represented by the law firm of Linguini & Clams, thank you.’ —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

warming their hands in the gumbo (burning books just for the heat)

“The entire country is getting hit with an arctic blast. It is so cold, in Times Square the cooks over at Bubba Gump are warming their hands in the gumbo.” — Jimmy Fallon 

“It’s so cold, Ron DeSantis is burning books just for the heat.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What would you like to look like in your suit? (No! That's socialism!)

Lately, Trump has seemed to be struggling with words. On the campaign trail, Trump got basic facts confused, forgot which city he’s in, and at one stop, said that photo ID is needed to buy a loaf of bread. Clearly this man has never bought a loaf of bread in his life. He’s probably only ever said the words ‘loaf of bread’ when his tailor asked ‘what would you like to look like in your suit?’ —Seth Meyers

The fourth Republican debate on Thursday evening was hosted on the little-known cable channel News Nation. The debate featured four remaining candidates – Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, Vivek Ramaswamy and Ron DeSantis – but notably not the faraway frontrunner in the race, Donald Trump, who was barely mentioned. Why should I act like any of these people are actually running against Donald Trump when they won’t even act like they’re running against Donald Trump? They spent the whole debate fighting each other like pigeons fighting over a french fry in the parking lot of a restaurant that is owned by a much bigger pigeon. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Her poll numbers will be whatever she had before plus four more people (Just the tip for Biden)

Mike Pence’s new book Go Home for Dinner: Advice on How Faith Makes a Family and Family Makes a Life has been released. The original title was Go Home for Dinner, Because the People Eating at Applebee’s Want to Hang You, but I think he made the right decision. —Jimmy Kimmel

Internal polling from Trump’s campaign theorized that Nikki Haley would benefit the most from fellow Republican Tim Scott dropping out of the race. Her poll numbers will be whatever she had before plus four more people. —Seth Meyers

In the same memo, the pollster predicted that Haley and the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, will be in a dogfight for second place. And you can tell DeSantis and Haley are getting ready for a rumble because they both just took off their heels. —Seth Meyers

And the House speaker, Mike Johnson, confirmed that he was “all in” for Trump 2024. Meanwhile, a lot of Democrats are still ‘just the tip’ for Biden. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dick Cheney in three-inch heels (Should we tell them?)

The latest Republican primary debate was held in Miami on Wednesday night without the faraway frontrunner, Donald Trump. The former president is so dominant, even his own former vice-president, who in a normal world might be a top contender, just dropped out last month and nobody noticed or cared. Although, I’m not sure anyone has ever really noticed Mike Pence. He’s the color they paint your apartment before you move in. That’s how he got away from the mob trying to kill him on January 6 – he just stood on a pedestal in the Rotunda, and they just thought he was a statue. —Seth Meyers

But let’s face it, this is just what the modern GOP is: people attacking other people’s children in the hope of winning an election they’ve already lost. And Ron DeSantis has a complete inability to smile like a normal human being. On several occasions, DeSantis seemed to be forcing himself to smile. If you’re trying to convince people that you don’t wear lifts inside your boots, maybe don’t make the ‘my heels are killing me’ face. —Seth Meyers

During last night’s debate, Vivek Ramaswamy criticized Nikki Haley’s foreign policy views and said she was ‘Dick Cheney in three-inch heels.’ ‘Hey, I’m right here,’ said Ron DeSantis. — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You know things have gone sideways when you’re watching something and you’re thinking god, I wish Donald Trump was there (I feel it in my soul)

The Republican debate last night featured five candidates who look like they’re complaining to the manager at a Starbucks. The GOP ‘dopefuls’ were just happy to be on television. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Putting the Republican debate on opposite the C.M.A. awards — it makes no sense. It’s like putting lasagna up against a Swedish meatball.” — Jimmy Kimmel

The debate lineup – Vivek Ramaswamy, Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, Ron DeSantis and Chris Christie – notably did not include frontrunner Donald Trump. It’s a who’s who of who has no chance to beat Donald Trump. But for these five Republicans, the stakes were higher than lifts in a pair of Ron DeSantis’s boots. —Jimmy Kimmel

“It is ridiculous to have these debates without the frontrunner, the guy they’re trying to beat. I mean, you know things have gone sideways when you’re watching something and you’re thinking god, I wish Donald Trump was there.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Ivanka Trump testified in New York. Only in the Trump family does take your daughter to work day mean she’s forced to testify in court. Like her brothers, Ivanka pleaded ignorance, frequently answering with ‘I don’t recall’ – which is a phrase she picked up from her father when Eric asked when his birthday was.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When did this whole country turn into a deadbeat dad? (his extra-tall Gene Simmons KISS boots)

The US government is, again, on the brink of a potential shutdown. Didn’t we just go through this last month? When did this whole country turn into a deadbeat dad? —Jimmy Kimmel

In other Republican news, the third and sadly not final Republican debate is scheduled for Wednesday evening in Miami, Florida. Five non-viable candidates will assemble on stage for no good reason at all. None of them will be president. The lineup includes Chris Christie, Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, Vivek Ramaswamy and Ron DeSantis. What a lineup – it’s like if all the Avengers were Hawkeye. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Most of the pressure is on Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who will be in front of a home crowd and is reportedly determined to finally break away from the pack. In fact, sources inside his camp say he’s planning to wear his extra-tall Gene Simmons KISS boots.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Tampa’s No 1 strip club (you still don't support Medicare for All)

There is speculation that the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, wears height-boosting inserts in his signature cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are great – if you’re a cowboy. If you’re the governor of Florida, you look like a dork. Nobody believes he’s ropin’ dogies in Tampa, even though Dogie Style is Tampa’s No 1 strip club. —Stephen Colbert

Several shoe experts have commented that DeSantis’s boots bear the hallmarks of inserts, namely pointed-up toes, as his heels are too far back in the shoe. ‘Governor, are you wearing lifts, or are your toes just happy to see me?’ If he’s not wearing lifts, he needs to get better boots. If he is wearing lifts, why are you wearing lifts?! You’re wearing cowboy boots – you’re lifted already! —Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump’s many legal woes: two federal criminal trials, two federal civil trials and one state civil fraud trial. The pressure has clearly gotten to the former president, as he took to Truth Social to blast a New York judge in the early hours of the morning. Like a totally not worried person would do, Trump wrote this attack on the judge at 2.28am. Because nothing says ‘I’m not thinking about you’ like posting at two in the morning. It’s like a guy posting a gym selfie with the caption ‘pumpin’ the iron at midnight, I don’t miss you, Brenda, say hi to the kids because the judge says I can’t.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

suddenly it’s illegal to teach kids in Florida public schools about their own governor (Affordable Leech Act)

New speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, has expressed some scary anti-gay positions. The Republican from Louisiana once said that gay marriage was a “dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy”. Johnson’s wife Kelly runs Onward Christian Counseling Services, which offensively and outrageously equates being gay with bestiality. Evidently, Kelly believes it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, and don’t get her started on Turner and Hooch. The counseling service separates people into five types: melancholy, choleric, sanguine, supine and phlegmatic. Those are some 13th-century beliefs! Which explains speaker Johnson’s plan to replace Obamacare with the Affordable Leech Act. —Stephen Colbert

“But it does seem that Ron DeSantis may be wearing heels. I tell you what, throw in a tube of lipstick, and suddenly it’s illegal to teach kids in Florida public schools about their own governor.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I found inflation! (unfortunately, in the talons of an eagle)

A 3-year-old girl from Texas has become the youngest person ever to visit all 63 U.S. national parks — unfortunately, in the talons of an eagle. —Michael Che

Ron DeSantis reportedly spent $1.5 million on private jets in just over three months because when he flies commercial, they make him take off his heels in front of everybody. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I’ve gotta say your job’s not that hard (he has one big political liability)

“Speaking of Joe Biden, on Saturday night, he gave some remarks at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yep, Biden made jokes about his age, Ron DeSantis, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Fox News. Afterwards he called me up and said, ‘Jimmy, I’ve gotta say your job’s not that hard.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Biden took a few shots over the weekend at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, which, you know, Trump never went to this event when he was in office. Hard to believe he doesn’t have a great sense of humor about himself.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Ron DeSantis was supposed to help the G.O.P. move past the former president, but he has one big political liability: He’s Ron DeSantis.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is definitely the longest anyone’s been able to listen to Mike Pence (Welcome Back/Mayday, Mayday)

April 2023

“This week also saw former vice-president Mike Pence testifying in front of the special counsel about his January 6th conversations with Trump. I’m sure that was humiliating having to tell a jury about all the times you were threatened with a bottle of ketchup by your boss. Apparently it went on for seven hours which is definitely the longest anyone’s been able to listen to Mike Pence.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, yesterday, President Biden told reporters that before he decided to run for re-election, he took a hard look at his age. Is it me or does Biden always look like he's taking a hard look? Then Biden reminded everyone that he's the same age as Lincoln...if he were still alive today.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I heard that, next month, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis plans to launch his 2024 presidential campaign. Which makes sense because, already, his campaign slogan is ‘Mayday, Mayday.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, does he have a collection of paintings that weren’t by Hitler? (Poe Dancing)

April 2023

“Whenever something really big happens that involves Fox News, the last people to hear about it are usually the people who watch Fox News. The network tends to hide news about itself from its own viewers. Last night there were probably a bunch of 80-year-olds watching substitute host Brian Kilmeade, saying, ‘Tucker looks different now.’” —Seth Meyers

“Man, when Fox cuts ties with someone, they cut ties. That’s the Fox News version of rolling up someone in a carpet and throwing them in the East River.” —Seth Meyers

“But what could they have on Tucker Carlson that would embarrass him? Did he once try to buy a fuel-efficient car? I mean, does he have a collection of paintings that weren’t by Hitler?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This week also saw news that Donald Trump might skip the presidential debates as he doesn’t want to subject himself to Maga-hating anchors. I bet this is gonna be like WrestleMania when he says he’s not gonna be there then in the middle of the debate he runs out on stage and hits Ron DeSantis over the head with a folding chair.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you a history book in Florida cos you just got burned? (Steamboat Willy Familiarises Himself with Maritime Law)

April 2023

“Mike Lindell, the founder of MyPillow, who had previously guaranteed $5 Million to anyone who could prove that data he alleged showed Chinese interference in the 2020 election was inaccurate. It was the easiest Maga contest since Prove Rudy Drippy and Prove Eric Sad Inside.” —Stephen Colbert

“Florida governor and potential presidential nominee Ron DeSantis is not only losing support, he’s getting publicly humiliated after he met with Republicans who were not impressed, particularly the Texas representative Lance Gooden who tweeted that he met him and is now endorsing Trump. Are you a history book in Florida cos you just got burned?” —Stephen Colbert

“Ron DeSantis continues to maintain his campaign promise to be 100% unlikable after extending his don’t say gay mandate to the 12th grade and now the only place to discuss anything to do with gender or sexuality would be in sex education with the angriest gym teacher. DeSantis continues to feud with Disney, stripping the company of more dispensations after it showed LGBTQ+ support and this week a North Carolina lawmaker proposed that the company move to his state instead. The bill was titled Mickey’s Freedom Restoration Act which was the title of the most boring Disney movie ever right after Steamboat Willy Familiarises Himself with Maritime Law.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”