If his poll numbers get any worse, he’s going to start doing press conferences on top of the Washington monument (nah, not feeling it)

The the president was seen wandering around on the roof of the White House. Trump, with his approval rating now at an all-time low, went on the roof because “he can’t answer your questions if he can’t hear them. If his poll numbers get any worse, he’s going to start doing press conferences on top of the Washington monument.” —Seth Meyers

“Everything about this story is as shady as a cave. Ghislaine Maxwell was transferred to a cushier prison in Texas, and now sources are saying that she told the justice department that Trump never did anything concerning around her. “Well, he’s in the clear! Good work, gentleman! I know we all had our suspicions, but the convicted sex trafficker of underage girls didn’t see anything that concerned her. No red flags for Ghislaine during her decade-long career of underage sex trafficking. She said right here in the transcript: ‘What was Donald Trump doing with Jeffrey Epstein? Nothing that concerned me, Ghislaine Maxwell, sex trafficker. I would’ve done what he did. Well, back to my normal non-concerning workaday grindstone … of sex trafficking.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m only going there to watch (a sentence so stupid)

President Trump impersonated a transgender weightlifter in a speech to graduates at the University of Alabama, which is a sentence so stupid it couldn't even get into the University of Alabama. —Michael Che

The sex trafficking trail of Sean Combs begins in New York next week and just like his parties I’m only going there to watch. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It really makes you feel for the second-most successful sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada (Did he write himself a check for $130,000?)

“Today was Donald Trump’s chance to wake up and snort a line of gas station energy powder and get on that stand to prove that this is all a big Joe Biden witch-hunt, but it was confirmed on Tuesday that Trump would not testify in his own trial. That is shocking – Trump is not talking? What happened? Did he write himself a check for $130,000? —Stephen Colbert

Outside the courthouse, the crowds have been much smaller than the police prepared for, according to the New York Times, and included amateur puppeteers, a DJ with a portable speaker and a self-proclaimed “most successful” sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada. It really makes you feel for the second-most successful sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada. —Stephen Colbert

Without grassroots support, Trump has been forced to call in the Maga goons on his behalf. So far 25 members of Congress have attended, including Matt Gaetz, the Florida representative who was mostly there for the sex capsules. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You’re going to need it to buy potable water in the afterscape (They couldn’t even mastermind a visit to Wisconsin)

“The stock market has been swinging like a tetherball in a typhoon. It’s all because of fears of an economic downturn. In fact, former Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers puts the odds of a recession at about 50-50. So, you can just flip a coin — no, wait, save the coin! You’re going to need it to buy potable water in the afterscape.” --Stephen Colbert

“I’m not saying the Clintons don’t have any power — they could definitely get a reservation at any restaurant in New York City, party of four, 7:00. On a Saturday? Maybe not. But masterminding a scheme to assassinate a high-profile prisoner in maximum-security federal custody? They couldn’t even mastermind a visit to Wisconsin.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Worse, the signature reads, ‘Dear Harlan, Big fan. Adolf.’ (no questions asked)

April 2023

A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by republican mega-donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan Crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court, with no questions asked. —Colin Jost

It was also revealed today that Harlan Crow has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia, including a copy of Mein Kampf signed by Hitler. Worse, the signature reads, ‘Dear Harlan, Big fan. Adolf.’ —Colin Jost

Florida governor Ron DeSantis, who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box, signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit. Because Florida is dangerous, and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say, ‘Gay.’ —Colin Jost

A woman who has been traveling the world says she’s gone on 34 first dates in nearly 20 countries. Her secret? She’s being sex trafficked. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The duty of the comedian (Jail to the Chief)

March 2023

“Donald Trump boasted over the weekend that he would be arrested this week on charges stemming from a Manhattan prosecutor’s investigation into hush money payments to porn star Stormy Daniels during his 2016 presidential campaign. But those charges remained unconfirmed as of Tuesday evening. It’s a shame he wasn’t getting arrested today, because what better day for Trump to get arrested than on Rosie O’Donnell’s birthday. Trump is reported to be reveling being back in the news and the center of attention. Here’s a question: if Trump goes to prison, does the Secret Service go with him? It sounds like the premise for a Mark Wahlberg/Kevin Hart movie, right? Jail to the Chief.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Corleone is reportedly looking at his arrest as a fun experience, telling people he’s excited about potentially being handcuffed and paraded in front of cameras like it’s the red carpet at some kind of Guilty People’s Choice awards. He’s also saying he specifically wants to get handcuffed behind his back, which weirdly is the same request he had for Stormy Daniels when he got into this mess. Melania has been debating whether she should play Party in the USA or Celebration by Kool & the Gang.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The scenario “that has the Maga world all fired up right now, and that is if Trump refuses to leave Mar-a-Lago to surrender to authorities in New York or Georgia or one of the many places where he might wind up getting arrested, you know who would have to authorize the warrant? That would be Ron ‘Meatball Ron’ DeSantis, the governor of Florida and Trump’s main rival for the GOP presidential nomination. Matt Gaetz, the Florida GOP congressman previously investigated for sex trafficking, called on DeSantis to do everything in his power to prevent the arrest, lest ‘any Floridian’ be vulnerable to ‘false accusations’. Spoken like a truly innocent Florida man.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's not sex trafficking if you use Venmo (the California Bank of Dank Stank)

California is looking into creating a state bank for the legal marijuana industry. They're gonna call it the California Bank of Dank Stank. --Conan O’Brien

It is so cold in the midwest that truck nuts have actually moved up inside the truck. --Conan O’Brien

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin. Not because of the cold, but because someone ate a vegetable. It was a brussel sprout. The national guard has been called in. --Conan O’Brien

Trump said he now supports a plan for young immigrants to become citizens. When asked why, Trump said, "Because I may have to look for a new wife soon." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I had a nuclear blast at Chernobyl! (high school girlfriends)

April 2022

“There are reports that Russian soldiers stole dangerously radioactive items from Chernobyl to keep as souvenirs. Well of course you can’t go to Chernobyl and not check out the gift shop. [A radioactive tourist]: ‘Oh look hon, they have a T-shirt that says, ‘I had a nuclear blast at Chernobyl!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who tore into me on a podcast with disgraced Republican colleague Matt Gaetz over the weekend. Gaetz called me a ‘total jerk’ whose ‘trend is to attack women’. Says the guy who’s currently under federal investigation for sex trafficking, obstructing justice, and paying for sex with a 17-year-old girl. That’s not fair at all. I make jokes about men too. I make jokes about you, in fact. Remember when I said I feel bad for you because you didn’t have a girlfriend in high school until you were 30?” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bed, Bath & Obviously Guilty (racist breakfast cereal)

“Donald Trump spent all day having his friends tell everyone how not racist he is. You know, like nonracists do.” --Stephen Colbert

The big story as we all know is that people are still talking about was Trump’s tweet about four freshman congress women racist? Well, I say, if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably just told the geese to go back to Canada. --Stephen Colbert

Last night the House of Representatives passed a resolution condemning Trump for his racist comments. That’s right, Mr. President. A formal condemnation! You watch your step, mister. Or next they will hit you with a notarized complaint and boom, a ceremonial rebuke. Fun fact, this is the first time that a sitting president has been censured by either House since 1912, when they censured William Howard Taft for eating a congressional page. --Stephen Colbert

There’s one big story we haven’t talked about since coming back from our break and it’s about millionaire financier, and a guy with a walk-in closet just for his skeletons, Jeffrey Epstein. Epstein was recently arrested and accused of sex trafficking of minors. It is a disturbing story and there is a mountain of evidence that this guy is guilty. Dozens of women have come forward, pornographic images were found in his home, and we learned that to cover his tracks, he shipped himself a large paper shredder and a carpet and tile extractor. Yeah, he bought them at Bed, Bath & Obviously Guilty. --Stephen Colbert

Of course, Trump is still dealing with the fallout from his racist tweets, which became a racist chant, which will soon be a racist breakfast cereal. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”