husbands and boyfriends were already gone (penalty kicks)

President Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out (Don't Do It, Man)

I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out. –Jimmy Fallon

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Great — now I look fat (Don't come in here!)

Today was Cyber Monday, where they offer a lot of really good deals just to online shoppers. It's the only day of the year where guys have an innocent reason for quickly shutting their laptops and saying "Don't come in here!" –Jimmy Fallon

With Christmas around the corner it seems like everyone is going to parties. I heard that this week Beyoncé went to a Christmas party here in New York dressed as a Christmas tree. Or as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree put it, “Great — now I look fat.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't Do It, Man (Toot your own horn)

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

In a speech last night, Donald Trump said sometimes you have to toot your own horn because nobody else is going to do it. The last time someone else tooted Trump's horn it cost him $130,000. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The four morons of the apocalypse (the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties)

Authorities in Florida are searching for two men who left an injured alligator at a convenience store. Said the alligator, "No, no, it's cool. They said they'd see me later." --Seth Meyers

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

supermodel times ten (Kevin and Linda)

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump thanked crowds in Phoenix for their support this weekend, saying, “I feel like a supermodel, except like times ten.” By the way, “supermodel times ten” is also his spray tan setting. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Labor rights in the US, a visual guide (by election day he’s gonna be breaded and deep-fried)

This week also saw Jimmy Carter vote by mail at the age of 100. You are now my favorite Carter. Deal with it, Beyoncé. —Stephen Colbert

This week also saw Tim Walz appear at a rally in rural Pennsylvania, looking the part in lumberjack attire. Walz gets more midwestern with each appearance and at this rate, by election day he’s gonna be breaded and deep-fried. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only person who can control the weather is Beyoncé (Put your filthy little worker hands together for...)

Elon Musk made an appearance on stage at a Donald Trump rally in Pennsylvania this weekend. That’s gotta be a little confusing for Trump voters. [imitating Trump] ‘I’m fighting for the little guy, and you know how much I hate immigrants, so please welcome an immigrant who makes more money in one second than you’ll make in your entire worthless lives. Put your filthy little worker hands together for your South African oligarch god, Elon Musk!’ —Stephen Colbert  

And a sixth member of Eric Adams’s administration has resigned. Who’s even left at this point? At this rate, his communications director is just going to be a Times Square Dora. —Seth Meyers

There are weather conspiracy theories where people believe that the government can control the weather and is responsible for these hurricanes. . Listen, dummies, the government can’t control the weather. The only person who can control the weather is Beyoncé. —Jimmy Kimmel

“The polls say the election is a tossup. It might ultimately come down to which candidate can deliver a new R.V. to Clarence Thomas first.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because you’ll remember, under his administration, this country had historically low rates of Diggity (bacon cheese fries)

Donald Trump returned to X, formerly Twitter, for an interview with its CEO, Elon Musk. Trump has only posted once on the platform since he was banned on 8 January 2021, in the wake of the Capitol attack. Due to some hilarious technical difficulties with the live stream, the interview began nearly 40 minutes late. I’m sorry, I’m not waiting 40 minutes for anything, unless it’s for the bacon cheese fries from the Shake Shack at LaGuardia, in which case – yes, I will miss my flight. —Stephen Colbert    

In other news, Barack Obama shared his yearly summer playlist, which includes Beyoncé’s Texas Hold ’Em, Billie Eilish’s Chihiro and Charli xcx’s 365 – a song which, as I have been informed by my staff, is about doing cocaine. Obama also included the classic No Diggity by Blackstreet featuring Dr Dre and Queen Pen. Very fitting, because you’ll remember, under his administration, this country had historically low rates of Diggity. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what? Go ahead and use your hands (Don't Do It, Man)

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night (6 pounds, 7 oncés)

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” –James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

As you can imagine, that came as quite a shock to Beyoncé (SpongeBob No-Pants)

Foreign policy experts say that the president of China is now the world’s most powerful person. As you can imagine, that came as quite a shock to Beyoncé. –Conan O’Brien

Nickelodeon has fired a male producer after multiple accusations of sexual harassment. He’s the creator of Nickelodeon’s “SpongeBob No-Pants.” –Conan O’Brien

A California elementary school is under fire for putting up a Donald Trump scarecrow. Even worse, 30 percent of the crows still think the Trump scarecrow is doing a great job. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

We both have more than Beyoncé? That can’t be right. (Theriously?)

President Trump just overtook Pope Francis as the most followed world leader on Twitter. The Pope couldn’t believe it – he said, “We both have more than Beyoncé? That can’t be right.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has more Twitter followers than Pope Francis. But the Pope doesn’t mind; he said, “My boss only had 12 followers, and he’s still pretty popular.” –Jimmy Fallon

The third movie in the “Thor” series is going to be called “Thor: Ragnarok.” Mainly because calling it “Thor Three” would give everyone a speech impediment. "Theriously?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (You're not invited)

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the season premiere of “Game of Thrones.” No spoilers! But HBO’s streaming site crashed during the episode. That’s how crazy this show has gotten: They are killing off websites now. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If you're thinking of wearing them while watching basketball, don't. You will pass out (two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.”)

Speaking of the World Cup, a company has created a pair of women's underwear specially designed for the tournament that vibrate whenever a goal is scored. They're fun during the World Cup, but back home in America, if you're thinking of wearing them while watching basketball, don't. You will pass out. --James Corden

There's a lot of controversy around the summer Olympic Games and now Russia's track and field team are barred from the competition after allegations of use of performance-enhancing drugs. Apparently the Russian athletes were so upset they barely had enough of an appetite to finish their morning bowl of steroids. –James Corden

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties (poverty exploiters)

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties. –Seth Meyers

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda. –Seth Meyers

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen yesterday dismissed demands that President Trump unilaterally end the practice of separating families at the border, and said, "Congress can fix this tomorrow." Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't Do It, Man (Eh, it's been done)

We want to send our best to Melania Trump, who’s doing well after having kidney surgery. When the doctor said she could go home in a few days, she was like, “Let’s not rush it.” --Jimmy Fallon

"The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who's never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, 'Eh, it's been done.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé (Great, now do my prenup)

“After President Trump gave his State of the Union address, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi tore it in half. Tore in half! Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Then Melania said, ‘Great, now do my prenup.’” —Conan O’Brien

"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé." –Conan O'Brien

President Trump claimed that the media is not reporting on acts of terrorism on American soil. In response, the media said, “Actually, we think we’re covering your presidency quite well.” –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump now says that this week he will allow 872 refugees into the United States; 872. Trump says the immigrants will arrive on Friday and start their modeling careers on Monday. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents (Where my beaches at?)

January 2023

“Today, in a planned, consensual search with the Justice Department, they went through President Biden’s Rehoboth beach house, and no classified marked documents were found. They didn't find any documents at Biden's beach house, but even more embarrassing, they found a sign that said, ‘Where my beaches at?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Biden, today the White House announced that he will get his annual physical on February 16th. It's gonna be crazy after Biden's colonoscopy when the doctor says, ‘There's no easy way to tell you this, but we found more classified documents.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Beyoncé announced the Renaissance World Tour. Beyoncé made the announcement around 9:00 a.m. Yep, she basically gave Tom Brady an hour to trend on Twitter, then, she was like, ‘This is mine now.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”