I just hope to God President Bush doesn't find out (please spy on each other)

"During the government shutdown even the NSA is out of business.

And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they

are asking citizens to please spy on each other." –David Letterman

"North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il." –David Letterman

"Don't kid yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, things are bad. We've got an unpopular war, we have high energy prices, and a slumping economy. I just hope to God President Bush doesn't find out." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wanted to wait for a good time but there hasn’t been one, so (Don't cling to a mistake...)

“Today, Trump announced that Karoline Leavitt is resigning as White House press secretary. Yeah, apparently, she’s moving on to an easier job, working as the press secretary for Taylor Farms lettuce.” — Jimmy Fallon

President Trump and Karoline Leavitt, the White House press secretary announced on Wednesday that she would be stepping down from the role to spend more time with her family, including her two young children. Yeah, between the nonstop White House construction and Trump, she wanted to be around something way quieter: a baby. —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Trump was surprised by Leavitt’s decision. She was like, ‘I wanted to wait for a good time but there hasn’t been one, so.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars (their new honey-glazed IV drip)

An employee at NASA's Mission Control announced he's bored with his job and has decided to become a porn actor. The NASA employee said, “What can I say? There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars.” --Conan O’Brien 3/5/2004

Krispy Kreme doughnuts have introduced a new beverage that they're calling a drinkable version of their donuts. And for those who think even drinking a donut is too much look for Krispy Kremes new honey-glazed IV drip. --Conan O’Brien 7/21/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying (Slappuccino)

There was some breaking news today from the nation's capital. Apparently, a sinkhole has just appeared on the North Lawn of the White House. Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying. --James Corden

A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that. The coffee company is really trying to put a positive spin on the story. They're marketing this as their brand-new drink, the “Slappuccino.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What did the president know, and how old were these women when he knew it? (Both Sides)

“We are now one step closer to answering the question, ‘What did the president know, and how old were these women when he knew it?’” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, and if the day couldn’t get any worse for Trump, halfway through the vote, there was a performance from Bad Bunny.” — Jimmy Fallon

“If anyone thinks he’s going to release all the Epstein files, I’ve got a beautiful East Wing of the White House to sell you.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sadly, on the same corner (golden retrievers)

Prince Andrew has been stripped of his royal title of Prince due to his involvement with Jeffrey Epstein, and Andrew says he can only become prince again if he gets a kiss from a young princess. —Michael Che

A golden retriever in Virginia became an Internet celebrity after his owners posted videos of the dog stealing items from around the house. Meanwhile, a black Lab who did the same thing got the death penalty! —Michael Che

A 101-year-old woman from New Jersey says she still goes to work six days a week. Sadly, on the same corner. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which one’s married to Kanye? (and both major parties need to go)

President Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?” –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney is having surgery today to relieve his lower back pain. And do you know how they administered the anesthesia? They just shot it right in his face." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When Big Government feels it's biggest (they don't appear to know what it's doing)

"The Supreme Court ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus." –Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because the federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See? We ARE athletes (blondes and Hannity)

The American Medical Association says that cheerleading should be classified as a sport because of the skill and training that goes into it. Then LeBron's teammates said, “See? We ARE athletes.”--Jimmy Fallon

Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval was forced to sit out last night, after he was caught “liking” pictures of women on Instagram during a game. The team actually benched him. Even worse, when he got home, his girlfriend couched him. –Jimmy Fallon

Fox News is dropping its slogan “fair and balanced.” Instead, it will be replaced with the more appropriate slogan “blondes and Hannity.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you haven't figured it out (540/road trip/Popemobile)

So did you hear that the new pope is not only American but he's from Chicago. Which means out of habit he's already installed the club in his Popemobile. —Greg Gutfeld

A new study found that 28 major US cities are sinking and experts have traced the cause back to JB Pritzker’s recent road trip. —Greg Gutfeld

California Democrats are proposing a mandatory retirement age for public officials. Nancy Pelosi breathed a sigh of relief when she found out the age was 540. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas (Wait, we can do that?)

Big news from my home country, Great Britain: The prime minister, Theresa May, surprised everyone by calling for an early election on June 8, even though it wasn’t supposed to happen until 2020. She’s fed up with all the political fighting, so she’s asking for another election right away. To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?” –James Corden

The NCAA tournament continues, and according to a new study, the tournament leads to a 30% increase in vasectomies. Apparently men schedule the procedure so that they can recover while watching basketball. It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If the dealer has 16, stay, OK? (mistake on top of a mistake)

On Tuesday, Trump heaped even more tariffs on Chinese imports, effectively a 104% tax on all goods. How’s he even coming up with these numbers? ‘What do you think about a tariff of 100% on China? Not enough! Make it 104!’ In response, the Chinese ministry of commerce said the tariffs were “mistake on top of a mistake” – which is also what Trump said when Eric was born. —Jimmy Kimmel

This is day 79 of Trump-o-mania. It’s been fun, watching this lunatic gamble our life’s savings this week. It’s like handing a social security check to your dog and sending it to Caesar’s Palace. ‘If the dealer has 16, stay, OK?’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's not easy to tell a child they're getting laid off (English but louder class)

An economic slowdown from tariffs could be especially hard on China, because it's not easy to tell a child they're getting laid off. —Michael Che

The Department of Education has warned state officials that public schools will lose federal funding if they do not eliminate DEI programs. So, from now on, Spanish class is just going to be English but louder class. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One for each of his wives (sword fight)

A Utah man did 10,001 pull-ups in 24 hours. One for each of his wives. —Greg Gutfeld

A female fencer was disqualified after taking a knee instead of competing against a trans-identified male. It was an act of bravery especially since kneeling put her dangerously close to her opponent's p*n*s. After all she came there for a sword 

fight. Not a sword fight. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In her defense she was already pretty drunk (sex tape)

A New York woman fell flat on her face after trying to snatch a MAGA hat off a fellow subway passenger. In her defense Kamala Harris was already pretty drunk. —Greg Gutfeld 

Disney's Snow White is projected to be the lowest earning live-action remake in the company's history. It's the worst thing to happen to Disney since someone leaked the Minnie Mouse and Tommy Lee sex tape. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

millions of us laughed our asses off on election night (the really really ridiculous party)

Meanwhile President Trump took away Joe Biden's security clearance. That means Joe no longer has access to the Daily Briefs. Which is too bad since those were the only briefs not covered in sh*t. —Greg Gutfeld

After saying his attacks on Tesla were just a joke, Tim Walz said that Republicans have no sense of humor. I don't know Tim, millions of us laughed our asses off on Election Night. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, well, 179 if we take over Canada by Saturday (Taylor Swift’s boyfriend)

“Yeah, between the game and the commercials, it’s going to be four straight hours of Patrick Mahomes on TV.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Taylor Swift will also be in attendance to support her boyfriend, the Chiefs’ superstar tight end, Taylor Swift’s boyfriend.” — Stephen Colbert

“I saw that this year’s Super Bowl will be watched in 180 countries. Yeah, well, 179 if we take over Canada by Saturday.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's already landed the lead in the reboot of The Walking Dead (they're complicit)

Congratulations to Joe Biden who signed with the Hollywood Powerhouse agency CAA. He's already landed the lead in the reboot of The Walking Dead. Meanwhile Kamala Harris just signed a deal to get her old job back at McDonald’s. —Greg Gutfeld 

Mexican president Claudia Sheinbaum made a deal with Trump to pause tariffs and put 10,000 Mexican troops on the border. And the best part is they all fit in one car. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36 (Snoop, that’s a mop)

According to a new report, so-called naked wedding dresses made of lace and sheer fabrics will be a popular trend this year. Also a popular wedding trend this year -- grandma heart attacks. --Seth Meyers

Happy birthday to Dolly Parton, who turned 70 today. I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36. –Seth Meyers

Rapper Snoop Dogg recently revealed that country music singer Willie Nelson is the only person who can “out-smoke” him. And then someone said, “Snoop, that’s a mop.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend (and you thought he was hard to understand before)

"Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before." –Jay Leno

"Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week his views on gay marriage have evolved over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he's in favor of it. So, it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”