This is a bad look (That’s just Mitch McConnell saying hello)

President Trump attended the World Cup final on Sunday, where he was booed by the crowd as he walked onto the field to take part in the medal ceremony and trophy presentation. At this point, I’m guessing Trump’s staff tries to make him feel better by telling him he’s just being followed around by ghosts: ‘Mr. President, remember, no one’s booing you. That’s just Mitch McConnell saying hello.’ — Seth Meyers

“Trump’s sports curse strikes again. He goes to the N.B.A. finals, the Knicks lose. He intervenes to get a red card overturned, U.S.A. loses. He says you can’t bet against Messi, Argentina loses. He owned a U.S.F.L. team, and the whole [expletive] league folded. He’s a sports reaper.” — Seth Meyers

“A video has gained attention online that appears to show FIFA President Gianni Infantino attempting to move President Trump away from the Spanish national soccer team so they could lift the World Cup trophy without him. In Trump’s defense, that thing’s solid gold. That’s like trying to move Gollum away from the Ring. The head of the most corrupt organization on Earth was, like, ‘This is a bad look.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

like ‘The Hunger Games,’ or the president’s cognitive exams (Or longer)

President Trump has also said that he wishes he could switch places with Cristiano Ronaldo, as he believes that his life is much easier than his. He said he would like to switch for about a month or so. “‘Or longer’, yelled Melania.” —Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, we could have yet another ‘Odyssey’ movie on the way. Now, Elon Musk is planning to create what he calls a ‘historically accurate’ version of ‘The Odyssey’ using his Grok A.I. Of course, this is all because Elon and his musketeers are upset over the diversity casting of ‘The Odyssey.’ And I don’t want to get technical here, but you can’t make a historically accurate version of something that is totally made the [expletive] up. I mean, ‘The Odyssey’ is fiction, you know, like ‘The Hunger Games,’ or the president’s cognitive exams.” — Colman Domingo

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

husbands and boyfriends were already gone (penalty kicks)

President Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What if soccer had less soccer? (call off work bestie, we need you to solve a m*rder)

The World Cup final is this Sunday and will now feature a halftime show because somewhere an American consultant asked, "What if soccer had less soccer?” —Joe Mackey    

Just 24 hours after proposing it, President Trump withdrew his 20% toll on cargo passing through the straight of Hormuz. Though, for some reason, shippers still have to pay a 20% fee to Ticket Master. —Joe Mackey 

In a recent interview, Keith Richards called America a bit of a disappointment at the moment, leaving many people concerned that he's having trouble finding drugs. —Joe Mackey 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what? Go ahead and use your hands (a regressive corporatist warlord)

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that her father loves eating at McDonald's. It makes sense, considering the “McFlurry” is also what Trump asks for when he goes to the barber. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post (This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done)

“And if you’re thinking Trump interfering with the World Cup is corrupt, well, [expletive] yeah, it is! Because that’s America’s style of play. You think we’re going to obey soccer rules? We don’t even listen to the Geneva Convention.” — Ronny Chieng

“4-1? Balogun, get the [expletive] out of my country, all right? This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done.” — Ronny Chieng, referring to the final score of the U.S.-Belgium match.

“4-1! For those Americans watching at home who don’t understand soccer, 4-1 is a humiliating score, OK? The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The land of the Karen (How to get a guy a pardon)

After a red-card foul during the World Cup, the soccer star Folarin Balogun was handed an automatic one-match suspension, ruling him out of the U.S. team’s game against Belgium on Monday — until President Trump intervened, after which FIFA suspended the ban. This is America, bitch! The land of the Karen. — Ronny Chieng

“Trump didn’t know what a red card is. But you know what he did know? How to get a guy a pardon.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who wouldn't want a piece of this? (If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will)

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson

"Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup." –Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn't have a title yet, Might I suggest a few. 'How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,' 'A Dick for All Seasons,' 'Torture in the Rye'..." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts (just trust us it’s meat)

A new report says America’s fast food restaurants are seeking alternatives to the term "fast food." So far the leading choices are "fast-crafted," "fine casual," and "just trust us it’s meat." –Conan O’Brien

"In the World Cup, both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

pheasant McNuggets (speaking fees)

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's a regular guy, so he was

someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets."

–David Letterman

"I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It's just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. Wow, that's not the Republicans I know. I think they're confused. We're supposed to apply economic sanctions to the Russians." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's what happens when you can't use your hands (or as Trump calls him, Steve)

Meanwhile, a Brooklyn escort service is charging World Cup soccer players up to $10,000 an hour. Why so steep a price? Because it takes them two hours to score. It's what happens when you can't use your hands. —Greg Gutfeld 

Congress is putting together a time capsule to be buried and then opened in 50 years. So far, it includes an iPhone, an Apple wristwatch, and Mitch McConnell. He'll be fine. —Greg Gutfeld 

On Wednesday, Marco Rubio met with UAE President Sheikh Mohamed bin Zayed Al-Nahyan or as Trump calls him, Steve. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was president. That's how he relaxed (He had a great day at the plate)

"Now, in Obama's defense, the president has always had his own particular way of relaxing. For example, George W. Bush had his way of relaxing. He was president. That's how he relaxed." –David Letterman

"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman

They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I'm talking about lunch.—David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

with the help of their star players, ICE (Every visit to the Bronx is a gamble)

The World Cup draw was held Friday, and team USA will first face Paraguay. The U.S. team is heavily favored to beat Paraguay with the help of their star players, ICE. —Michael Che

Officials have for the first time approved building casinos in New York City, including one in the Bronx. Because let's be honest. Every visit to the Bronx is a gamble. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you found Jesus? (losing interest at Love-40)

“Yesterday here in New York, President Trump attended the U.S. Open final. Yep, Trump was excited. It was the first time in years he went to court without his lawyers.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Trump was there as a guest of Rolex and sat in their suite. And this is very nice — they even gave him a special watch with two little hands.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump had fun at the match. He said, ‘[imitating Trump] I enjoy Love-15 and Love-30 but started losing interest at Love-40.” — Jimmy Fallon

“This year, Trump’s been to the Super Bowl, the Daytona 500, the World Cup, two UFC fights and a wrestling championship. Eric and Don Jr. were like, ‘Still couldn’t come to one of our Little League games?’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They get the wage and give us the minimum (one of those horns they blow at the World Cup)

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"Just one week after coming back to work, Congress took the day off today to watch this BCS football game tonight. Remember Congress promised us a five-day work week. It didn't even last a week. That's why they want to raise the minimum wage. They get the wage and give us the minimum." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie (You know what? Go ahead and use your hands)

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally? (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson

"You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what? Go ahead and use your hands (Don't Do It, Man)

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

rich people's rocket money (taking bribes without using their hands)

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. After the birth, Bill brought flowers, while Hillary brought a focus group to help name the baby. –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a human version of bagpipes (Pontoon Captain)

I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ’cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it's Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

Another season of “The Bachelor” is coming up! I heard that there are four women named Lauren. Everyone had a good laugh — even the eight contestants named Ashley. –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”