So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave (the perfect date movie)

Doug Jones is the first Democrat to win an Alabama Senate seat in 25 years – so a quarter of a century. The last time Alabama elected a Democratic senator, the biggest movie was "Aladdin," or, as Roy Moore calls it, "the perfect date movie." –Stephen Colbert

“Scientists warn heat waves will be longer, more intense and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now multiply that occurence by 1.8 million (is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves)

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's a classic case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she said (he's been sprayed with mace)

 

 

So, on Tuesday, California Congressman Eric Swalwell resigned from Congress. As a result, Chinese flags were flown at half mast. —Greg Gutfeld    

Just a heads up, if you see Swalwell with red, watery eyes, it's not because he's been crying about his resignation. It's because he's been sprayed with mace. —Greg Gutfeld    

Swalwell vows, however, that he'll fight the most serious charges, saying it's a classic case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she said. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You know, you hate to see these two fight unless it’s in a kiddie pool full of jello (Hillary Clinton went out and got a dog)

A new report says Sydney Sweeney and Zendaya are in a bitter feud over their opposing political views. You know, you hate to see these two fight unless it’s in a kiddie pool full of jello. —Greg Gutfeld

A Pennsylvania man said he was shot after his dog jumped on a shotgun he had placed on his bed. After hearing this story, Hillary Clinton went out and got a dog. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the handmaids had new cars (you’re carrying something)

Oprah made a cameo in this week's episode of "The Handmaid's Tale." And by the end of the show, all the handmaids had new cars. --Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (oppressed)

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That and not crossing Hillary Clinton (just add a petting zoo and it would sound just like my birthday)

The Academy Awards are this weekend. The subject matter of the best picture nominees include a transgender cartel leader, a transgender Pope and a sex worker. Ah, just add a petting zoo and it would sound just like my birthday. —Greg Gutfeld

According to people 100 years of age or older the secret to longevity is staying busy. That and not crossing Hillary Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many homeless families does it take to make a billionaire? (don't come in here!)

Scientists have used high speed video to study how the squirting cucumber explosively shoots out its seeds. Reached for comment, scientists quickly closed their laptops and shouted, don't come in here! —Colin Jost

Still, President Biden has issued a full pardon for his son Hunter, just weeks before he was to be sentenced on gun charges and tax evasion. Hunter celebrated his father's decision by celebrating way less than he used to. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Democrats keep getting caught creating a purity test for a system that they can’t seem to pass themselves (Let me get this straight)

Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter on federal gun and tax charges. The “full and unconditional” pardon covers offenses Hunter has committed or may have committed or taken part in” over the last 11 years. Eleven years is a very specific and not rounded amount of time. I didn’t know pardons could cover crimes you may have committed. I’m surprised Biden didn’t include the phrase ‘on Earth 1 or any of the Earths in the multiverse.’ 

Republicans have, unsurprisingly, pounced on the move. Obviously, Republicans are going to criticize, but Biden did make this line of attack particularly available, seeing as how he spent so long saying that he wouldn’t do it because of how much he respects the system.

The problem is the rest of the Democrats made Biden’s pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of their defense of America, this grand experiment and Democratic lawmakers used Biden’s promise as a moral example.

The Democrats made this case an example of why Americans should believe in our system. And it’s hard – Democrats have the tougher road of defending our institutions and systems as being flawed but still valuable. Republicans just run on blowing this shit up. But at every turn, Democrats keep getting caught creating a purity test for a system that they can’t seem to pass themselves. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even if you're just going out to have a smoke (Even when they don't lose, they don't win)

The Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke." –Jimmy Fallon

After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns' first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don't lose, they don't win. --Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess the VMA gift bags were pretty crazy this year (because nobody could possibly lie to that face)

During a standoff yesterday, outside his home, singer Chris Brown reportedly threw a duffel bag out his window containing weapons and drugs later recovered by the police. I guess the VMA gift bags were pretty crazy this year. –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton had a phone interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper last night — and she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? (You know, Siberia’s not so bad)

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” –Conan O’Brien

A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (pheasant McNuggets)

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's a regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman

They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I'm talking about lunch.—David Letterman

"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something (every one of those comes with a cry for help)

A Minor League Baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling a hot dog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies. And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a cry for help. --Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s now only 31 felonies away from being the Republican candidate for president (one of them was on crack when it happened)

 Joe Biden’s son Hunter was convicted on three felony counts related to buying a handgun while being a user of crack cocaine. His father did a terrible job of rigging this. He’s now only 31 felonies away from being the Republican candidate for president. —Jimmy Kimmel

There are superficial similarities between their two cases – they both filed phoney paperwork, in that Hunter lied on an application to buy a gun, and Trump falsified business records. The only difference is that one of them was on crack when it happened. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job)

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

“Wonder Woman” made $100 million at the box office this weekend. Meanwhile, Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie (fake enthusiasm)

"Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie." – Conan O'Brien

When French President Emmanuel Macron greeted President Trump, he kissed Trump on both cheeks. Then out of habit, Michael Cohen showed up and handed Macron $130,000. --Conan O’Brien

"Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a machine gun made out of Bibles (My brother in Christ, you are the taxes)

New tax filings show that President Donald Trump’s former bodyguard has been receiving $15,000 a month from the Republican National Committee since leaving the White House. You realize what that means, right? Trump was sleeping with his bodyguard, too! --James Corden

President Trump had his high school grades sealed. So including the hush money payment to a porn star, this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs. --James Corden

A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’ll be replaced by the current number two republican in the senate (the dishes are piling up at home)

Mitch McConnell, seen here walking out of the theater after watching 12 Years a Slave, announced he will step down in November. He’ll be replaced by the current number two republican in the senate, a frozen embryo holding an assault rifle. —Colin Jost

After Nikki Haley’s poor showing in Michigan, pressure is mounting on her to drop out of the race, but mostly because the dishes are piling up at home. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you know what his least favorite card game is? (Which way is that?)

"We are learning more and more about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Do you know what his least favorite card game is? Bridge!" –Jay Leno

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday after his press conference about the big traffic scandal, Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic was a nightmare." –Jay Leno

"Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”