His poor mother must be spinning in all of her graves (the most important things about dreams)

“But despite having no apparent path to victory, Kevin McCarthy has said he will not back down. In an interview following his defeats, McCarthy assured reporters that there was no way he’d consider not trying to become speaker. Oh, Kevin. Let it go. Don’t you know that one of the most important things about dreams is that sometimes they die? Except for my dream where you keep losing over and over again.” —Stephen Colbert

 “New York congressman George Santos, who during his campaign lied about, and I’m rounding down here, everything. Among the things Santos lied about: where he went to high school, where he went to college, working for Goldman Sachs, owning 13 properties (he lives at his sister’s in Huntington), and that his grandparents survived the Holocaust. He also claimed his mother died in the September 11 attacks, then said she died a few years later, then admitted she died in late 2016. That is a horrible thing to lie about. His poor mother must be spinning in all of her graves.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

What? How many? (this is the picture you’d tape to your fridge!)

The 39-year-old JD Vance, was once an adamant never-Trumper. But he changed his tune to get Trump’s endorsement in 2022, and now he’s full-metal Maga. In fact, he’s been called the ‘Maga heir-in-waiting’.” Colbert as Trump: ‘He’s like the son I never had. What? How many? OK, then he’s the bearded son I never had. What? How many?!’ —Stephen Colbert

The lowlight of the RNC convention was a bizarre confrontation on the convention floor between former speaker Kevin McCarthy and Congressman Matt Gaetz. Gaetz, who led the charge to remove McCarthy as speaker, barged in during McCarthy’s live TV interview on the convention floor to tell him he would get booed off the stage. McCarthy, who has publicly reiterated charges that Gaetz had sexual relations with minors, again stated the ethics complaints against Gaetz on live TV. If you have dirty laundry in your past, maybe don’t barge in on live TV interviews. McCarthy also told Gaetz: “Don’t be an asshole.” Excuse me. Are you telling this guy not to be an asshole? Would you tell the sun not to shine, or the grass not to grow? Would you tell the surf not to crash on the shore? Look at that guy! That is a perfect central casting asshole! If you were a decent person, and you were about to embark on a year-long campaign to try and become the best asshole you could ever be, this is the picture you’d tape to your fridge! —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just saying that if Joe Biden was a balcony I wouldn't step out on him for a smoke (sucker punch)

The horse race it's not looking too good for President Biden. He’s now losing to all three of the top Republican contenders and there is something very bad politically looming for him next week. His birthday. He’s going to be 81 and we've never had a president who's 81. It doesn't mean he can’t do it, I'm just saying, I like the guy, but I'm just saying that if Joe Biden was a balcony I wouldn't step out on him for a smoke. —Bill Maher

Kevin McCarthy, the former speaker of the House was accused of sucker punching a fellow senator in the kidneys. It’s embarrassing watching these guys act all tough. Kevin McCarthy is so tough he’s got a tear tattoo for the time he killed Medicare. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

So now they have to kick two smaller cans down two longer roads (Apple has canceled Jon Stewart again)

China’s reason for engaging with America? Cash, as its economy has weathered anemic consumer spending and high youth unemployment. It’s gotten so bad that second-graders can’t get a job at the iPhone factory. And I’m being told that in response to that joke, Apple has canceled Jon Stewart again. —Stephen Colbert

In other news, Washington is increasingly a toxic dump. But there was a glimmer of governance on Tuesday when the House approved a stopgap measure to avoid a government shutdown, the first major piece of legislation passed by the new speaker, Mike Johnson. Unlike a previous stopgap measure passed by his predecessor, Kevin McCarthy, Johnson’s “two-step” stopgap will fund certain parts of the government into mid-January, and others into February. That is genius, because instead of just kicking the can down the road, Mike Johnson cut the can in half. So now they have to kick two smaller cans down two longer roads. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the GOP, I am not Jim Jordan. I yield my time. (unipolar superpowers)

Jim Jordan’s defeat in his attempt to become Speaker of the House was an historic humiliation for a man who will not be in the history books. He was undone not by the usual Maga bomb throwers. He was brought low by a coalition of Republican moderates nearly three weeks after the more extreme wing of the party ousted Kevin McCarthy as speaker. Eight Republicans are now vying for the top position in the House, and Republicans planned to hold a forum on Monday evening in which candidates would make their case in two-minute speeches. Now, two minutes may seem short, but I know what I would say – ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the GOP, I am not Jim Jordan. I yield my time.’ —Stephen Colbert

“This time, nine Republicans will battle for the top post: Tom Emmer from Minnesota, Kevin Hern from Oklahoma, Jack Bergman from Michigan, Byron Donalds from Florida, Mike Johnson from Louisiana, Sam Nayman from Tennessee, Dan Marks from Wisconsin, Ben Warner from Georgia and Ken Sherman from Pennsylvania — and I started making up names partway through that list, and literally no one knows when I did, including me.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Maybe it’s time we take away their right to choose (fluffles)

“Donald Trump’s spent another day in a New York courthouse for his fraud trial. This is not the January 6 insurrection case, that’s in Washington. It’s not to be confused with the election tampering case that’s in Georgia or the stolen documents case in Florida or the Stormy Daniels or E Jean Carroll cases that are also in New York. This is his fraud trial in New York. I know, it’s really hard to keep track.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In other political news, the House is still without a speaker after the Ohio congressman Jim Jordan, a far-right Republican who supported overturning the 2020 election, did not receive the necessary votes. Turns out there’s something about being a loser that really suits Jim Jordan. Jordan is a particularly terrible choice for speaker, because of his conduct as a wrestling coach at the Ohio State University. Jordan allegedly knew of sexual abuse perpetrated by a team doctor on several athletes, and did nothing. A man who is famous for not speaking up would like to be speaker. It’s really something.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Two weeks since House Republicans removed Kevin McCarthy as speaker, they still haven’t decided on a new leader. Maybe it’s time we take away their right to choose.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, they put their relationship to the hardest test any couple can (the good news is … there is no good news)

“The two potential speaker options for House Republicans: bad (Louisiana congressman Steve Scalise, an election denier who didn’t have the votes on Thursday) and worse (Ohio’s Jim Jordan, also an election denier accused of covering up sexual misconduct as a wrestling coach at Ohio State). You could not pick a worse speaker of the House. And keep in mind: the GOP just had Kevin McCarthy, so they tried. The bad news here is that the new speaker might be Jim Jordan. But the good news is … there is no good news.” —Stephen Colbert

“NFL star Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift, were photographed holding hands while entering the Saturday Night Live after-party. Wow, they put their relationship to the hardest test any couple can: going anywhere near Pete Davidson.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The whole affair was a slide down chaos mountain into insanity river at the bottom of dumbass canyon (play-by-play guy)

“So, I mean obviously, Kevin McCarthy can’t blame anybody but himself for his ouster… is what I thought. McCarthy, naturally, blamed his ouster on the Democrats. Really? You handed a straight razor to the craziest, most selfish nihilist in the entire Maga mob and said ‘just hold this to my neck, and if I say or do one thing you don’t like, just slice away,’ and you’re blaming the Democrats? The whole affair was a slide down chaos mountain into insanity river at the bottom of dumbass canyon.” —Stephen Colbert

“The House republicans might actually nominate Donald Trump for Speaker of the House. Incredible. Only the Republicans would consider giving the job of speaker to someone who is under a gag order. It’s like hiring a French mime as your new N.F.L. play-by-play guy.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

he buried his ex-wife on a golf course just so he could continue to cheat on her (Grand Theft Mar-a-Lago)

“Donald Trump called me a talentless, loser creep. This from a man who is such a loser, he buried his ex-wife on a golf course just so he could continue to cheat on her.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Kevin McCarthy says he will not run for speaker again, which surprised a lot of people, including me. I mean, he’s a Republican. You lose a vote, you just say you won the vote. Get with the program, man!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Poor Kevin McCarthy. It’s hard to see any politician come back from this kind of unprecedented humiliation. Speaking of humiliation: Donald Trump,” who was in New York on Tuesday for his fraud trial, which can’t be fun for him to sit there, since the judge already found him to have committed fraud. But his lawyers seem to be having a good time, as one of them brought a gaming laptop to the trial. She’s using her downtime to play Grand Theft Mar-a-Lago.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know it’s not good when you’re missing the legal competence of Rudy Giuliani (I’ve been to Phish concerts longer than that)

Kevin McCarthy was ousted as speaker of the House on Tuesday after only nine months in the job. Nine months? I’ve been to Phish concerts longer than that.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Even Aaron Rodgers is, like, ‘Damn, that was fast.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump also complained that his trial did not include a jury, even though that’s because his lawyers never requested one. To be fair, Trump can’t have a jury of his peers. Where are they going to get 12 bankrupt former reality hosts? You know it’s not good when you’re missing the legal competence of Rudy Giuliani.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox (You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip)

GOP congressman Kevin McCarthy told CNBC, “You’ve got to remember where Nancy Pelosi was - she who said no money for a wall. That’s not the case. Democrats have now agreed to more than 55 miles of new barrier being built.” Yes, 55 of the 2,000 miles of Border Wall that Trump asked for. Just another example of Trump’s slogan, “Promises Made, Promises 3% Kept.” --Stephen Colbert

After the death of Karl Lagerfeld, his internet famous cat, Choupette is set to inherit Lagerfeld’s $150 Million Pound fortune. It’s so irresponsible to give a cat that much money. You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip. --Stephen Colbert

"Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite free speech. They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Leaving us hanging like Trump tried to do with Mike Pence (Please Welcome Kanye West)

March 2023

“The grand jury in the case against Donald Trump is now on two-week hiatus and is leaving us hanging like Trump tried to do with Mike Pence. But that’s a different indictment, I think.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“One reason Trump’s case may never come to court is that America may cease to exist, as congressional Republicans refuse to raise the debt ceiling, risking a June 5th deadline to avoid ‘catastrophic default’. Now, I’m sure that’s not good, but at this point aren’t we all a little catastrophied out? If you want to grab our attention at this point, you’re going to have to do more. You’re going to need something scarier than catastrophic default, like gonorrhea-geddon or Please Welcome Kanye West.” —Stephen Colbert

“President Biden has proposed a budget, which has been met with crickets by the speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy, who on Tuesday sent the president a ‘blame letter’ claiming ‘with each passing day, I am incredibly concerned that you are putting an already fragile economy in jeopardy.’ No you’re not. You know how I know you’re not concerned? Because you expressed your concern in the form of the slowest possible form of a communication, a letter. That’s like saying, ‘Oh no! The house is on fire. Quick, someone hire a barbershop quartet to tell the fire department!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, they already have a title for it. It's going to be called Yellowstoned (The specific charges are ‘everything.’)

February 2023

“I read that Biden's approval rating currently stands at 42%, just above the 41% he had at last year's State of the Union. That’s tough. It's like eating kale for an entire year, then realizing you only lost 1 pound, and you go, ‘I did this for a whole year.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Speaker Kevin McCarthy suggested that Congressman George Santos will face a House investigation. The specific charges are ‘everything.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently, the "Yellowstone" series starring Kevin Costner is set to end. And a spin-off starring Matthew McConaughey could be in the works. Yeah, they already have a title for it. It's going to be called Yellowstoned.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of a bowl (Bad news for China, it’s a girl)

February 2023

Earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotted crossing into the United States, officially ending history’s most complicated gender reveal party. Bad news for China, it’s a girl. —Colin Jost

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy, seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of a bowl. —Colin Jost

Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also, everyone gets to do one murder. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just slowly scroll on. You saw nothing... (So get ready, Ron, he’s going to cheat on you)

January 2023

“In a new podcast episode, Donald Trump confirmed that he heard Ron DeSantis might challenge him for the Republican nomination, and said he’d ‘handle that the way I handle things’. So get ready, Ron, he’s going to cheat on you.” —Seth Meyers

“Last night the Dallas Cowboys knocked Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers out of the playoffs. Yeah, and now fans want to know, will Tom Brady retire? Yep, after the game Brady was thinking about retiring, but then he saw the price of eggs and was like, ‘I can't retire now.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And did you guys see this? During last night's game, the Cowboys kicker missed four straight extra points. We haven't seen someone fail that many times in a row since Kevin McCarthy ran for Speaker of the House.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa (I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car)

January 2023

“Well, guys, everyone is talking about this — early this morning, all flights across the U.S. were grounded due to a failure with the FAA's computer system. Yeah. Zero flights took off, but somehow everyone's luggage still ended up in Pittsburgh. That's right. No flights took off. It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It's never fun being stuck in an airport. Families headed to Disney told their kids the luggage carousel was the "It's a Small World" ride. They're like, ‘Just calm down and sit next to the Tumi bag. I'll take your picture.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“While the cost of other food has declined in recent months, the price of eggs still remain extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? I heard that Subway might be sold for more than $10 billion. Yeah, the sale could be done in a few months or a little longer if they want their Subway toasted.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope your day is as nice as your butt (just stop talking about how many times you have to flush)

January 2023

“Also on Tuesday, the House approved rules that would weaken newly elected speaker Kevin McCarthy’s powers, following concessions to a far-right faction of his own party and a marathon 15 votes. How could they possibly make him any weaker? They’re already treating him like a substitute teacher on the last day of school. Are they gonna make him wear the ‘kick me’ sign on the front?” —Seth Meyers

“After McCarthy finally crawled over the finish line on the 15th ballot by yielding, perhaps even relenting, to the demands of the Maga wing of his party, McCarthy openly thanked Trump for his support. McCarthy told reporters that people shouldn’t doubt Trump’s influence, as he made phone calls to secure the final votes for McCarthy’s 15th and first victorious vote as speaker. I actually believe that, because the only thing Donald Trump is good at is making phone calls. Making calls is Trump’s only skill. All he has to do is sit there in his pajamas in front of his television and ramble for an hour about toilets or windmills until the person at the other end of the call says fine, I’ll give in, I’ll vote for Kevin, just stop talking about how many times you have to flush.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The bombs will continue to drop and you will continue to pay the price (sideways walk of shame)

January 2023

“Earlier Saturday morning, after four days and 15 rounds of voting, Kevin McCarthy was sworn in as speaker of the House. McCarthy was like, ‘I'm just glad it didn't go to a 16th vote. That would have been humiliating.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“After 15 rounds of voting, McCarthy pulled off the impossible — he got people to watch C-SPAN for an entire week.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw a new study that said noise from a ship can disrupt crabs while they're trying to mate. Or, as crabs call it, getting yacht blocked. Of course, when crabs do mate, the most embarrassing part is the next day when they have to do the sideways walk of shame.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And while we’re on the subject of low ratings – yours are lower than the wall you never built (I thought I was watching the Oscars at one point)

January 2023

“Kevin McCarthy’s election as speaker is the political equivalent of handing your kid an iPad to shut him up. The House drama got so out of control I thought I was watching the Oscars at one point.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“We are the victim of another round of roasting from the former president, who posted on Truth Social: ‘Wow, those TRUMP Hating Late Night Network Shows are doing really badly … The worst ratings that those time slots have had…’ Says the guy posting to no one on Truth Social. Trump also wondered if the Democratic National Committee is paying our salaries and he called us ‘untalented fools’. You know, you think being the father of Eric and Don Jr, he’d have more sympathy for untalented fools. And as far as how much money we make, yeah we do make a lot of money. You know what we do with that money? Pay taxes on it. And while we’re on the subject of low ratings – yours are lower than the wall you never built.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, where’s the piece of foil on your chest where I poke the straw (no one wants to see him in a thong)

January 2023

“All good things must come to an end. Kevin McCarthy was finally elected Speaker of the House early on Saturday morning, a time famous for good decisions. All right, we just elected a new speaker – I’m going to drunk-dial my ex and eat this week-old sushi.” —Stephen Colbert

“McCarthy eventually celebrated his victory with a pained grin and the speaker’s gavel, or showing his party what they get to spend the next two years repeatedly banging his nutsack with.” —Stephen Colbert

“Speaking to reporters, the new speaker tried to frame the dysfunction as a positive: ‘because it took this long, now we know how to govern’. Really? Just this last week you learned how to govern? There are some things you shouldn’t learn through trial and error at the last minute. That’s like a surgeon saying, ‘Well, it took me 15 tries to open my Capri-Sun, but this triple bypass should be a snap. Now, where’s the piece of foil on your chest where I poke the straw.’” —Stephen Colbert

“There was an insurrection attempt in Brazil clearly modeled on January 6th in the US. Before this deja-coup, allies of the ousted Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro met with some of Trump’s advisers, including Steve Bannon. Oh no, Steve Bannon has gone Brazilian? Regular Steve Bannon was bad enough, no one wants to see him in a thong.” —Stephen Colbert

“Our graphics department did create an image of Steve Bannon in a thong, but the CBS lawyers told us that broadcasting it would violate the Geneva conventions.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”