How would they get on my private jet? (the suffering on the tape is real)

The stars of the "Game of Thrones" have gotten huge raises and will make $500,000 per episode next season. So when you see a character get killed off, know that the suffering on the tape is real. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, hundreds of people did yoga in Times Square to celebrate the first day of summer. At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down. –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, 'I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's all part of a bigger plan to make El Salvador more like Times Square (Accidents will happen)

So today is April Fool’s Day. It's when I tell my writers they're getting a huge bonus. —Greg Gutfeld

The White House is cutting down a 200-year-old tree that was planted by Andrew Jackson. Spectators were horrified when it turned out to be John Kerry. Accidents will happen. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday night President Trump deported more gang members to El Salvador including child rapists and convicted killers. It's all part of a bigger plan to make El Salvador more like Times Square. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! (Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty)

President Trump signed an order today to dismantle the Department of Education. One angry ex employee claims it was the worst thing to happen since the Nazis won the Civil War. —Greg Gutfeld

You can definitely tell spring is here. In Central Park this afternoon I saw a rat catching a Frisbee. On my way into work this morning I saw my Uber driver applying sunblock to his middle finger and earlier today in Times Square I saw a Venezuelan gang member carrying a softball mitt. Yeah, hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! —Greg Gutfeld 

Hilaria Baldwin defended lashing out at her husband Alec during an awkward red carpet interview. She claimed he was man-terrupting which sure beats manslaughtering. —Greg Gutfeld

US border officials in Indiana have confiscated nearly $10,000 worth of fake Botox products. Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now he knows how Stormy Daniels felt (condensed like my emotions)

Happy St Patrick's Day! What a spectacle in Times Square. Crews spent the afternoon dying all the urine green. —Greg Gutfeld

On Saturday Donald Trump was hit in the face by a reporter's microphone while speaking. Now he knows how Stormy Daniels felt. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Well, it's Epstein Files Not Released Day ...Again (he can't even afford to pay himself for sex)

As part of a promotion a 60 foot long balloon body double of Kim Kardashian appeared in Times Square. It's made entirely out of rubber and plastic and so is the balloon. —Greg Gutfeld 

Hunter Biden is asking a judge to toss his laptop lawsuit because he's millions in debt. It's true, Hunter’s so broke he can't even afford to pay himself for sex. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He definitely radiated a ‘special energy.’ (100 rats in a trench coat)

New York City’s mayor, Eric Adams, has had a challenging start to his week, with four of his eight deputy mayors announcing their resignations. Adams’s controversies stopped being funny and started becoming hilarious. The resignations were from the first deputy mayor, deputy mayor for health and human services, deputy mayor for operations, and deputy mayor for public safety. So, at this point, the city is evidently being run by the remaining deputy mayor: 100 rats in a trench coat.” — Stephen Colbert

The resignations came after several federal prosecutors in the Southern District of New York quit, having come under pressure from the Trump administration to drop charges in the mayor’s corruption case. That takes courage. Thankfully, all these lawyers found jobs at the new firm of Wegot, Balls & Howe. — Stephen Colbert

Mayor Adams has been involved in controversy for years now. For instance, while he was running to be the mayor of New York, no one could tell if he lived in New York or New Jersey; once he became mayor, he appointed, and later had to remove, his brother as deputy police commissioner. He announced a personal war on rats, introduced a Times Square RoboCop that failed as a police officer but thrived as a public urinal, and claims that the Big Apple is littered with unique crystals that give out a special energy. Yes, in fact, I saw a gentleman enjoying some of those unique crystals in the Port Authority bathroom yesterday. He definitely radiated a ‘special energy.’ — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, they’ve been having a lot of trouble with kids coveting their neighbor’s oxen (Tickle Me Heatstroke)

In other news, the governor of Louisiana signed a law this week requiring the Ten Commandments be posted in every public school classroom in the state, which is a brazen attack on the American idea of separation of church and state. Maybe they should also post the constitution in the Louisiana governor’s office so he can give it a read every once in a while. —Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday marked the longest day of the year and the official start of summer, which of course raises the question: what the hell has the past week been, if not summer?! It’s so hot in New York, the tourists in Times Square are lining up to have their photo taken with Tickle Me Heatstroke. —Stephen Colbert

“Louisiana yesterday became the first state to require public schools to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Apparently, they’ve been having a lot of trouble with kids coveting their neighbor’s oxen.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don't like either side (40 rats in a trench coat)

Tuesday marked the second day of Donald Trump’s New York criminal trial for allegedly falsifying business records of a hush-money payment to Stormy Daniels, in what is, the trial of what feels like a century. We are reminded that though the wheels of justice may turn slowly, eventually a panel of impartial citizen jurors will do the indispensable public service of listening to testimony about Donald Trump’s mushroom dong. By the end of the day, seven jury members had been selected, after New York sent out over 6,000 summonses, about 2,000 more than average. At that rate, they’re going to burn through every available New Yorker. By the end, the jury is going to include the Times Square Buzz Lightyear, 40 rats in a trench coat and Lin-Manuel Miranda. —Stephen Colbert 

According to court reporters, one potential juror said his radio habits included “listening to whatever was on when he was in the shower”. But after he hears details on Trump’s sex life, I’m guessing he’ll be listening to a toaster in the bath tub. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is why he’s always wearing that weird leather pig mask (Welcome to Hell)

“Things are so crazy right now. In a year, Donald Trump is either going to be president again, or we’re going to see him in Times Square offering to take pictures with tourists next to Elmo and Spider-Man.” — Seth Meyers

“Now, you’re probably saying, didn’t that trial already happen? Yeah, it did. We also already did Trump versus Biden. Get used to everything happening twice. Get used to everything happening twice.” — Stephen Colbert

“Now, Trump doesn’t believe he should be held accountable for anything. At 2 a.m., he scream-posted ‘A president of the United States must have full immunity, without which it would be impossible for him/her to properly function.’ No, Trump doesn’t believe in any accountability. He believes the presidency should be like the movie ‘The Purge,’ which is why he’s always wearing that weird leather pig mask.” — Stephen Colbert

“It is nice to hear him being inclusive. [imitating Trump] ‘I believe the president, whether it be him or her, Hispanic or Her-spanic, should have a private kill squad to take out those who dare speak against him.’” — Stephen Colbert 

“This is the kind of thing that should end with Trump in prison or, best case, living alone in a motel by the racetrack. But every time he gets worse, his poll numbers get better, which explains his new 2024 slogan: ‘Welcome to Hell.’” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that's the price you pay for hiring Chris Christie (At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down)

Donald ​​Trump’s campaign isn't doing so well financially. A recent report said his campaign even spent over $100,000 for meals just last month. Trump was like, "Well, that's the price you pay for hiring Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

Today, first lady Melania Trump made a surprise visit to the U.S.-Mexico border. And this isn't good — she brought her passport and everything she owns. --Jimmy Fallon

Today, hundreds of people did yoga in Times Square to celebrate the first day of summer. At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Nothing says everything’s fine like a dehydrated septuagenarian broadcasting from the set of Mad Max: Fury Road (Then we're safe to eat)

July 2022

“Meanwhile, today, President Biden announced new executive actions to address the climate crisis. Whew, just in time, it’s 115 degrees outside!” —Jimmy Fallon

“Unfortunately, Biden’s speech was cut short when the teleprompter burst into flame.” —Jimmy Fallon

“So the president held a press conference today to announce new steps to combat climate change but stopped short of declaring a national emergency. Yeah, you don’t want to call a climate emergency too early — you’ve got to wait until our internal temperature is 165 degrees in the thigh. Then we’re safe to eat.” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s so hot in the city, Times Square had a naked cowboy and a shaved Elmo.” —Stephen Colbert

“There have been devastating heatwaves across the US this week. These heatwaves are only going to get worse, because Biden’s climate plan is being blocked in the Senate by Joe ‘I hate life on Earth’ Manchin.” —Stephen Colbert

“The non-emergency press conference was held at a former coal plant in Massachusetts, or what appears to be the bleakest, most desolate spot on planet Earth. Because nothing says everything’s fine like a dehydrated septuagenarian broadcasting from the set of Mad Max: Fury Road.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down (I've decided it's time for me to covfefe)

Mitch McConnell wants to force a Senate vote on healthcare before July 4, because if there’s one day you want to take away people’s healthcare, it’s the day when they get drunk and set off fireworks. –Jimmy Fallon

Dan Scavino, the guy who helps write Donald Trump's tweets, is considering leaving the White House. After thinking long and hard he said, "I've decided it's time for me to covfefe." --Jimmy Fallon

The American Medical Association says that cheerleading should be classified as a sport because of the skill and training that goes into it. Then LeBron's teammates said, “See? We ARE athletes.”--Jimmy Fallon

Today, hundreds of people did yoga in Times Square to celebrate the first day of summer. At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are now accepting chickens (Maybe I will run for president!)

October 2011

"And Chris Christie isn't running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still …" –David Letterman

"You folks feeling the economic pinch? That's why we lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are now accepting chickens." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama met with the Chicago Bears championship team from 1985. When she heard about Bears in the White House, Sarah Palin was like, 'Maybe I will run for president!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, 'Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These pills will do something to your cholesterol or penis (Please tell me you're not a Democratic Congressman)

June 2011

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, this week, Palin tweeted that her daughter Bristol's new memoir is quote 'shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect.' Of course, she said the same thing about the movie 'Cars 2.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in New York today. There was an awkward moment in Times Square when he saw the Naked Cowboy and said, 'Please tell me you're not a Democratic Congressman.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin's new book and she found it 'shocking.' When asked what was shocking, Palin said 'the fact I read a book.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court ruled makers of generic drugs can't be sued for incorrect labeling. All they have to say is, 'These pills will do something to your cholesterol or penis.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

gotcha questions like, Where are you going? and, Why are you doing this? (I don't think you were really born in New York)

"Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York." –Jon Stewart, on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks

"Why don't you take a sh*t in Fiorello LaGuardia's hat and feed it to Joe DiMaggio's crying ghost on Liberty Island, you son of a bitch?" –Jon Stewart on Donald Trump eating his pizza with a fork 

"Of course, the point of her 'One Nation Tour' is to highlight America’s historic landmarks. So far she stopped at the National Archives, Gettysburg, Independence Hall, and yesterday she joined Donald Trump at one of New York’s historic monuments, the Times Square Applebee’s, a landmark as steeped in history as it is steeped in chipotle mayonnaise. Just like Gettysburg, it’s a site where many, many lives were cut short." –Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin’s bus tour

"Of course, the 'lame stream media' ambushed Palin with gotcha questions like, 'Where are you going?' and, 'Why are you doing this?'" –Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin's bus tour

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he showed up at the trial looking like a priest walking into a porno theater (The Killer Behind You)

In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If you’re friends about to get murdered, you don’t go off and write a novel called, “The Killer Behind You.” —Colin Jost

Harvey Weinstein showed up to a court appearance with a walker. And then like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant. —Colin Jost

Krispy Kreme doughnuts is opening a flagship store in Times Square. Every time I walk through Times Square, I step in something that can best be described as Krispy Kreme. —Colin Jost

Trump’s other attorney was Clinton impeachment prosecutor Ken Starr, who lamented that presidential impeachment has become a weapon to be welded against on’e political opponent. Which is a quote so hypocritical, even a guy like Ken Starr has to be ashamed to make it. Maybe that’s why he showed up at the trial looking like a priest walking into a porno theater. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was so cold today the flashers in Times Square we're describing themselves (Paying for endless war)

7-Eleven convenience stores in addition to everything else they're now offering fine wines. So 7-Eleven customers keep this in mind. It's red wine with the beef jerky and white wine with the cheetos. --David Letterman 1/4/1999

Bill Clinton is really upset about this impeachment stuff. He was so upset about impeachment today he blew a two-foot putt. --David Letterman 1/4/1999

It was so cold today the flashers in Times Square we're describing themselves. --David Letterman 1/5/1999

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives (we'll hire BP)

from May 2010

"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, ‘No, we have nothing to do with him.’ The Taliban said, 'The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we'll hire BP.'" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing

"This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan. You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, 'We will not be terrorized,' he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we're Americans, of course we're terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. (And I was thinking, well, that's odd, because..)

"This bombing plot here in Times Square is upsetting. Are we more upset about that than the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Which do we hate worse? I think you've got to go with the oil spill. British Petroleum, these boobs running this operation, they said: 'O.K., now wait a minute. It's just going to be a P.R. nightmare. What can we do? We'll give everybody a free tank of gas. All you have to do is drive your car right down next to the Gulf of Mexico.'" –David Letterman

"I was thinking about this. Here's what I came up with. Now, in Arizona, you know about the new immigration law, where if you don't look like you belong there, they can run you out of the state? And they've got patrol cars driving around, pulling up to people, saying: 'You don't look like you belong here. Get out!' So the deal is, in Arizona, they don't like immigrants. And I was thinking, well, that's odd, because right across the river there in California, they elected one governor." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They say they won't rest until local authorities un-hang him (Hey, keep it down. I'm on the phone here)

"How many folks were in Times Square for the New Year's Eve celebration? Here in the United States they celebrate by dropping a ball off a roof. In Iraq they celebrate by dropping the dictator through the floor." --David Letterman

"They executed Saddam Hussein. I guess that means that whole Iraqi thing is over. We can all go home now." --David Letterman

"A cell phone video has surfaced of Saddam Hussein's hanging and officials are trying to figure out who shot the video. People who were at the hanging say it was probably the guy who kept yelling, 'Hey, keep it down. I'm on the phone here.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein apparently died from hanging on Saturday. He did not get the sort of funeral President Ford did. He was taunted by his hangmen. They even danced around his corpse. So clearly the good guys have won over there. Angry mobs are now protesting violently and say they won't rest until local authorities un-hang him." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”