The World's Most Dangerous Drug (That's my lucky stabbing hat!)

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair. --Norm Macdonald

In a brilliant move during closing arguments the O.J. Simpson Attorney, Johnnie Cochran, put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!” --Norm Macdonald

They are developing a pill which can give women orgasms without

having sex. Read all about this revolutionary discovery in my new

book, The World's Most Dangerous Drug. --Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We give them to our fans (intelligence)

"Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving

prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New

York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players.

We give them to our fans.'" –Conan O'Brien

An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot — intelligence. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Easy Big Fella, all I did was ask your name (It felt like the last big bash before the Epstein files come out)

“There are so many bad parts of a government shutdown, but the worst so far is that as of this weekend, nearly 42 million Americans have lost their food stamp benefits. No one should understand the importance of daily meals more than Donald Trump. Hungry is his favorite emotion. It’s his whole thing – Trump and food is like JFK and sex, or Thomas Jefferson and sex, or Lincoln and his hat, which he had sex with.” —Stephen Colbert

Trump’s “disapproval rating” is 63%. And what do you do when you have a terrible approval rating? You throw the most ill-timed, tone-deaf Halloween party imaginable, A Great Gatsby party. You know, throwing a party at your private golf club where the theme is rich white people hours before millions of Americans are set to lose their food assistance might be the Trumpiest Trump move of all time. It felt like the last big bash before the Epstein files come out. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Our idiot son-in-law (without stopping to have sex once)

A man completed a 180 mile unicycle ride yesterday, across the state of Maine, unbelievably without stopping to have sex once. --Seth Meyers

​​It was announced today that first lady Melania Trump's parents are now officially U.S. citizens. They passed their citizenship test when they were asked, “Who's the president of the United States?” and they replied, “Our idiot son-in-law.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Taming of the Shroom (7 calories)

Artifacts found in William Shakespeare's home suggest he may have been a marijuana user. Apparently he was doing a couple of drugs because he also had a rough draft of "The Taming of the Shroom." –Conan O’Brien

A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Meatball Doms (proving once again that Geeks will say anything to get laid)

A group of scientists say women who abstain from sex may be putting their health in jeopardy, proving once again that Geeks will say anything to get laid. —Greg Gutfeld

Alec Baldwin and 50 Cent will appear at the reopening of New York city's planted Hollywood. 50 was the only one willing to do it with Alec since he's already been shot nine times. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But to be fair, people do grieve differently (And that was just by Congress)

 

"According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old republican deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. But to be fair, people do grieve differently." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Should we tell them? I wanna tell them... (I gave the doctor a urine sample and there was an olive in it)

"I was so drunk I walked into a gay bar. It was terrible. There were fifteen guys for every guy."--Rodney Dangerfield

"I have been trying to quit smoking. My wife and I made an agreement that we would only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1975." --Rodney Dangerfield

"I drink too much. I gave the doctor a urine sample and there was an olive in it."--Rodney Dangerfield

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? (You know, Siberia’s not so bad)

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” –Conan O’Brien

A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga (19 minutes)

"Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. In fact, the Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga." –Conan O'Brien

A new survey revealed that the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. In my case, that’s two minutes for sex and 17 minutes for apologizing. –Conan O’Brien

Match.com is charging $5,000 to set you up with someone who looks like your ex. You wouldn't believe how many guys on Match.com once dated Kate Upton.--Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, it was in response to the question should the church still have altar boys? (bean bag chairs)

Pope Francis said this week that sexual pleasure is a gift from God. Unfortunately, it was in response to the question should the church still have altar boys? —Michael Che

Donald Trump said that at the debates he wants both of them to stand instead of sit. So that’s the status of our presidency? Standing is a feat of strength. I think we could learn a lot more watching them both try to get out of a bean bag chair. —Michael Che

A growing number of black men feel like the Trump and Biden campaigns are not actually trying to forge new relationships and just want their votes. Yeah. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the jury got to see her spank him in real time (no comment)

Donald Trump’s lawyers also tried to get Stormy Daniels to admit that, as an adult film star, she had embellished her encounter with the former president. Daniels replied that if her night with Trump had been made up, “I would have written it to be a lot better.” Damn, so in addition to hearing about it, the jury got to see her spank him in real time. —Stephen Colbert

One of Trump’s lawyers, Susan Necheles, tried a different tack: “Even though you had agreed that you would not discuss this supposed story… you then decided that you wanted to publicly say that you had sex with Donald Trump.” Stormy Daniels responded: “No, nobody would ever want to publicly say that.” It is true, no one wants to admit to having sex with Donald Trump. That is why on Don Jr’s birth certificate the father is listed as ‘no comment’. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t even think about it! (I just wanted healthcare)

At some point, we’re just piling on. The man was our president. You know what I mean? Who among us hasn’t slept with an adult film star. And then tried to cover it up and become president. Yet we look down our noses at him? I don’t think so. Shame on us, shame on me! —Seth Meyers

Stormy Daniels testified that she and Trump had sex in the missionary position. ‘Don’t even think about it!’ shouted Judge Merchan to the sketch artist. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Feels like we should lock him up just for that, right? (Not exactly a safety-first kind of guy)

Stormy Daniels said her time with Donald Trump was “brief” and that he did not wear a condom, which is not surprising. He stared directly into an eclipse. Not exactly a safety-first kind of guy. —Jimmy Kimmel

Stormy Daniels also claimed that they had sex in the missionary position, and that Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter. Feels like we should lock him up just for that, right? —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The cruise will offer Pickle Ball, Corn Hole, and also games (never have your bachelorette party at Chuck E. Cheese)

An elementary school teacher in Wisconsin was arrested after she allegedly made out with one of her fifth grade students just months before her wedding. Which is why you should never have your bachelorette party at Chuck E. Cheese. —Colin Jost

An 11 day cruise is being offered next year from Miami to the Caribbean in which passengers will be nude. The cruise will offer Pickle Ball, Corn Hole, and also games. —Colin Jost

A new report chronicles a disorder called sexsomnia in which people try to have sex when they’re asleep. The report was written by someone named Phil Fosby. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, this is MUCH better! (in a storage facility)

Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, “Hey, this is MUCH better!” –Seth Meyers

Florida police arrested a woman this weekend in a storage unit facility after she had assaulted her husband during an argument over which sex position is best. She had argued for missionary, while he had argued for “in a storage facility.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when you finish and your partner holds up a score (less fraudy by comparison)

March Madness is here. The last third of March means it’s time for college basketball. This is that magical time of the year when the co-worker who knows the least about sports wins $900 in your March Madness pool. —Jimmy Kimmel

In other sports news, officials running the 2024 Olympics in Paris have lifted the intimacy ban for the athletes’ village that was put in place in 2021, during the pandemic. The Paris Games will distribute over 300,000 condoms to its 14,250 athletes. Let’s do the math: that’s 21 condoms per competitor. If you’re having that much sex during the Olympics, you’re probably going to miss the Olympics. —Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s a very Paris thing to do. Every once in awhile, the French need to remind the world that being horny is their thing. The only bad thing about sex during the Olympics is when you finish and your partner holds up a score.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is said to be considering a new hire: Paul Manafort, one of his former campaign advisers, who went to prison for tax and bank fraud and was pardoned by Trump in 2020. News outlets reported that he was in talks about helping with the Republican National Convention. Trump’s team is hoping that hiring someone who has been convicted of fraud will make Trump seem less fraudy by comparison. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This was also his wedding toast to his son Eric, by the way (Humpback Mountain)

It was reported that MSNBC studios at 30 Rock have been infested with bedbugs. For more on this story everybody look under their seats! —Colin Jost

For the first time ever, two male humpback whales were photographed having sex. Learn more about it in the heartbreaking drama, Humpback Mountain. —Colin Jost

“Donald Trump — you remember that guy? He used to be, yeah — wrote ‘Has there ever been a worse host than Jimmy Kimmel at the Oscars? His opening was that of a less-than-average person trying too hard to be something which he is not and never can be.’ This was also his wedding toast to his son Eric, by the way.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look, I can't have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down. (It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you)

"Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample." –Jay Leno

"Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can. To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you." –Jay Leno

"John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can't have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

polishing my statuette (Heroes)

David Letterman’s "Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say In An Academy Awards

Acceptance Speech”

10. "This is for you, Kim Jong-Il" 

9. "I've had sex with every woman in this year's dead actor montage" 

8. "Take that, 99-percenters!" 

7. "I'd like to take this opportunity to endorse the next President of the United States, Rick Santorum" 

6. "I owe it all to my creepy religious cult" 

5. "My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs" 

4. "Now I'd like to say a few words about Cool Ranch Doritos" 

3. "I share this award with my drug-mule, Hector" 

2. "I'd like to thank my sham wife for not revealing I'm gay" 

1. "I'll be in the men's room, 'polishing my statuette'"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”