I Do Not Mean To Imply... (explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants)

Yesterday was Winnie the Pooh Day. This is according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants. --Colin Jost, SNL

Paramount has begun developing a new movie called Summer Nights, which will be a prequel to the classic movie Grease. A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late 30s. --Colin Jost

Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus, but there's still a chance he could be contagious, at least that's what he's yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers. —Michael Che

"In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey

"This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up. In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now only six points behind Sarah Palin." --Amy Poehler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did someone lose public trust after decades of selling lies for the ruling class? (his annual vegetable)

This afternoon, Trump got his annual physical, which will be followed by his annual vegetable. --Stephen Colbert

“So where do these fictional space lasers come from? Well, according to Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, it could have been a beam from ‘space solar generators.’ A ‘space solar generator.’ So, the sun?” —Stephen Colbert

“But claims like these require proof, right? Well, here’s Margie’s evidence: ‘Oddly, there are all these people who have said they saw what looked like lasers or blue beams of light causing the fires.’ That’s an embarrassing way to admit you’ve never heard of lightning.” —Stephen Colbert

“Of course, all the experts agree that the only way out of this pandemic is to increase, in any way possible, widely available, reliable testing. So, naturally, it was announced yesterday that the White House will end federal support for coronavirus testing sites on Friday. Why is Trump opposed to the testing? Someone tell him they are coronavirus tests, not paternity tests!” —Stephen Colbert

So far, Jared Kushner is in charge of brokering Mideast peace, negotiating the wall with Mexico, tackling America’s opioid epidemic, fixing the Department of Veterans Affairs, handling diplomacy with China, and dyeing the eggs for the White House Easter egg hunt. –Stephen Colbert​​

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs (That looks nothing like me)

The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah

Palin will headline what is being called the first national

tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the

nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs.

–Seth Meyers

Gov. Chris Christie currently has a 19 percent

approval rating in New Jersey. The only thing less

popular in New Jersey is the top button. –Seth Meyers

Today in 1884, the Washington Monument was

completed, and if George Washington were here

today to see it he would probably say, “That looks

nothing like me.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

So now Arizona has two Grand Canyons (But hey, that’s Indian food for you)

October 2021

A new report shows that President Biden is on average 22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal to black voters. —Michael Che

A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet. But hey, that’s Indian food for you. —Michael Che

A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men. See, so it’s not all bad. —Michael Che

A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. So now Arizona has two Grand Canyons. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can’t believe it — Americans are saying no to seconds? (which can include deathlike death)

April 2021

“Apparently, some people are refusing the second shot because they feared the side effects, which can include flulike symptoms. Unlike the coronavirus side effects, which can include deathlike death.” —Stephen Colbert

“One interesting group of people refusing to get the vaccine: people who have gotten the vaccine. Because millions of people are skipping their second doses of Covid vaccines. I can’t believe it — Americans are saying no to seconds?” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yo, this is like that time they got rid of Mr Potato Head’s p*nis! (an actual existential crisis)

April 2021

“Vaccine passports are methods to present digital proof of one’s coronavirus vaccinations to gain entry to sporting events or international travel. This can help give businesses peace of mind, you know? American businesses want to know that the customers who are legally carrying assault rifles into their store aren’t going to sneeze on anyone. It’s safe.” —Trevor Noah

“I really want to know what Fox News is gonna do when there’s an actual existential crisis, like a real one. Because everything for Fox News is a crisis, everything – Dr Seuss is a crisis, vaccination cards are a crisis. If America is ever invaded, Fox News is going to be like, ‘Yo, this is like that time they got rid of Mr Potato Head’s penis!’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Inoculating Private Ryan (Rent or Medicine?)

March 2021

“With the passage of this bill, the government is about to send $1,400 stimulus checks to millions of Americans. There you go, baby. You’re rich! Buy yourself something nice, like rent or medicine.” —Stephen Colbert

“Joe Biden might not need to work too hard to sell his stimulus plan, because according to polls, 75 percent of voters said they support the package, and Biden’s approval rating since he took office is a steady 57 percent. Old steady Joe: He may not be as exciting as the last guy we were with, but, you know, he’s good with kids, in that he cares whether they live in poverty.” —Stephen Colbert

“The $1.9 trillion price tag brings the total spent on Covid relief to $5.5 trillion. By comparison, adjusted for inflation, World War II cost the U.S. government roughly $4 trillion. Hopefully, we’ll get some great coronavirus movies like ‘Inoculating Private Ryan,’ or one about your uncle who still wears his mask below his nose, ‘Dumb Kirk.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

In fact the coronavirus is so deadly to black Americans, it’s being suspended with pay (Sorry, that was our other engine)

February 2021

Just like me when I’m drunk. Congress decided to spend a bunch of money at 2:30 in the morning when they passed a 1.9 Trillion dollar stimulus bill. Senator Lindsey Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include an increase in the minimum wage. Because over the years Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit. —Colin Jost

Tomorrow night Donald Trump will give the key note address at the Conservative Political Action Conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech give your grandpa cocaine. —Colin Jost

During the Golden Globes this Sunday a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the Green M&M. —Colin Jost

The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson & Johnson. Johnson & Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier. The beach. —Michael Che

An American Airlines pilot reported that during a flight over New Mexico he saw a long cylinder object come close to his plane. Sorry that was just our engine, said United. —Michael Che

A sailor who fell overboard survived for fourteen hours in the Pacific Ocean by floating on a large piece of garbage. Sorry, that was our other engine, said United. —Michael Che

A new study shows that the coronavirus lower the average life expectancy for black Americans by three years. In fact the coronavirus is so deadly to black Americans, it’s being suspended with pay. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s like using the Death Star to make Smores (she couldn’t think of the word for lightning)

February 2021

“Marjorie Taylor Greene also has a little extra something that makes the far-right love her even more: it’s racism. Aside from blatant Islamophobia, Greene also blamed Californian wildfires on Jewish space lasers. Is this lady just playing conspiracy theory slot machine and just going with whatever comes up? If Jewish space lasers did exist then this would be a wasteful use. It’s like using the Death Star to make smores.” —Trevor Noah

“And Greene’s Jewish space laser comment? Either she’s insane or she couldn’t think of the word for lightning.” —Trevor Noah

“Ten Republican senators, including Susan Collins, wanted to meet with Biden about the coronavirus relief deal. I’m not sure if I trust anybody who’s requesting in-person meetings on how to handle coronavirus. The GOP compromise would end up being: You’re getting a stimulus check but you have to buy a gun with it.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even more amazing, his wife believed that story (just to throw it in our faces)

December 2020

Mitch McConnell received the coronavirus vaccine on Friday, and just to throw it in our faces he’s also giving himself a stimulus check and a small business loan. —Colin Jost

The White House has left it up to the states to distribute the vaccine, which shocks me. Because knowing Trump I thought for sure it would be done through a live Powerball Lottery. The ratings would have been insane and it would have been the first White House job that Ivanka was qualified for. —Colin Jost

A man in New York State was trapped inside his car for ten hours overnight when a plow covered his car in four feet of snow. Even more amazing, his wife believed that story. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first time he’s ever been OK with using protection (Am I the bad guy here?)

December 2020

Mike Pence received the coronavirus vaccine on Friday which is the first time he’s ever been OK with using protection. —Michael Che

Mike Pence said when he got the vaccine shot, ‘I didn’t feel a thing.’ Which is also what he told himself over and over again after he saw Harry Styles in a dress. —Michael Che

During a Pro-Trump rally in Washington, D.C. protestors burned Black Lives Matter signs in front of two historic black churches. You know, I don’t want to be too judgmental here, but at some point when you’re setting fires at black churches, you got to stop and ask yourself, ‘Am I the bad guy here?’ —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I knew Trump was a sh*t businessman (The Flash pulled hamstring)

December 2020

“The president bungled a deal with Pfizer for additional coronavirus vaccines. Because Trump passed on the deal months ago, Pfizer might not have more doses for the US until next June, while America faces potential vaccine shortages amid global competition. I knew Trump was a sh*t businessman, but I didn’t realize he was this bad. I’m starting to think if you gave him a time machine, he’d go back to the year 2000 and buy stock in apples and Enron.” —Seth Meyers

“Trump championed the vaccine as the one thing he was doing to combat the virus, and even that he f*cked up. It’s like if the Flash showed up to the Justice League with a pulled hamstring.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Art of Why Didn’t You Make the Damn Deal?! (In the Ground/Injured/Indifferent)

December 2020

“Britain has inoculated its first citizen against the coronavirus, but it might be longer yet until Americans are vaccinated en masse, as it was revealed this week that the Trump administration passed on securing additional doses of the Pfizer vaccine now being distributed in Britain. It’s leadership like that, that will ensure the president will continue to lose the election. It’s all laid out in the new book, The Art of Why Didn’t You Make the Damn Deal?!” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump attempted to counter the embarrassing story on Tuesday with a White House vaccine summit (skipped by the two leading vaccine companies, Moderna and Pfizer) in which he bragged about the administration’s Operation Warp Speed and signed an executive order proclaiming that other nations will not get the US supplies of its vaccine until Americans have been inoculated. The order is moot, since the US will probably be the country short on vaccines; it appears to have ‘no real teeth’, according to the New York Times, and it’s signed by a man who has no real hair or brain.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

up until now we didn’t even think that dead guys could get corona (Election fraud!)

December 2020

“So yes, Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for the coronavirus, although he is suing to have that result overturned.” — Trevor Noah

“And as much as you might have some schadenfreude about this thing, Rudy Giuliani testing positive for Covid-19 is a terrifying new development. Because you realize up until now we didn’t even think that dead guys could get corona.” — Trevor Noah

“Who would have thought? Especially after Giuliani had taken every precaution — and thrown it out the window while screaming ‘Election fraud!’ in a crowded room with no mask.” — James Corden

“Giuliani decided to get tested after experiencing symptoms for the last 20 years.” — Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this administration will never stop fighting/the crime of murdering his own legacy/Waxing Moon

December 2020

Yesterday Trump’s lawyers opened up another door on their Advnet calendar of losing as they had election lawsuits tossed in six different states. Proving again that this administration will never stop fighting, except the coronavirus. —Colin Jost

Former presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have all volunteered to film themselves getting shots of the Covid vaccine. And to reach their target demos Barack Obama’s will air on MSNBC, Bush’s on Fox News and Clinton’s on Brazzers. —Colin Jost

The world’s deepest swimming pool has opened in Poland. Even more amazing, it’s above ground. —Colin Jost

Sources also say that Trump is considering giving a pre-emptive pardon to Rudy Giuliani. I assume for Rudy’s crime of murdering his own legacy. —Colin Jost

This week there was a full moon, known as the Beaver Moon, which can be seen about a month after a Waxing Moon. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I already dropped my pants (he’ll take all the lollipops)

December 2020

“Dr. Robert Redfield, head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) warned that the coming winter months could be ‘most difficult time in the public health history of this nation’. A vaccine is around the corner, though its efficacy hinges on the public’s willingness and ability to receive it. And let’s face it, in a country where millions of people even refuse to wear a mask, there’s a good chance that many of them will resist getting an injection, which is sort of like a mask that hurts.

Which is why former presidents Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama have volunteered to receive the vaccine publicly to prove its safety. Now that is some presidential leadership – offering to get the vaccine on live TV before everybody else to boost public confidence. Also, it’s a great way to sneak ahead to the front of the line. I see you, Barry.

One might wonder, why Trump hasn’t volunteered to join the former presidents in a show of support for the vaccine. By the time the vaccines are available, he’ll also be a former president, but don’t forget, he beat corona already. He’s immune. Also, he can’t go before the other presidents because he’ll take all the lollipops.” —Trevor Noah

“I’m actually glad that Trump isn’t part of this event. Because you know that he would find a way to make things awkward. [As Trump] ‘I’m not getting the vaccine in front of the camera. I don’t want anybody seeing my butt.’ ‘Uh, sir, they do the shot in your arm.’ ‘Too late — I already dropped my pants.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now we don't know who won World War II (I didn’t know they kicked it up to voter extinction)

August 2020

“After watching the Republican national convention, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve got chills, I’ve got nausea. It’s either the onset of Covid, or seeing 1,500 people with no social distancing, no masks and no testing packed on to the South Lawn of the White House. I know Republicans like voter suppression, I didn’t know they kicked it up to voter extinction.” —Stephen Colbert

“Before Donald Trump capped the convention with a nearly 70-minute speech, he was introduced by his daughter an American Girl doll just following orders, Ivanka Trump, who boasted about working with her father to pass ‘nine pieces of legislation to combat the evil of human trafficking’. And then I watched him tell one of those human traffickers, Ghislaine Maxwell, that he wished her well.” —Stephen Colbert

“The presidency proverbially changes the occupant. It matures them, it ages them. But Trump doesn’t do any of the stuff that matures you or ages you, like worrying about the American people or feeling responsibility for protecting them or evidently anything else. Looking at Trump in 2016 and now in 2020, I guess it’s true what they say: taxidermy don’t cracks-a-dermy. The last four years are like Trump is Dorian Gray and we’re the picture.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

First, do no harm, unless it makes the president look bad (in that case, bag ’em and tag ’em)

August 2020

“On Wednesday afternoon, it was reported that the CDC downgraded coronavirus testing guidelines – those who were in contact with infected persons may no longer need to be tested if they’re asymptomatic, despite repeated evidence that half of transmissions occur before symptoms appear. The CDC was pressured to make the changes by Trump administration officials, which means we’ve reached the point where Donald Trump is dictating our health regulations. Hey, CDC! This is our lives! Either grow a pair and stand up to this clown or at least be honest and change the Hippocratic oath to: ‘First, do no harm, unless it makes the president look bad, in that case, bag ’em and tag ’em.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are now accepting chickens (Maybe I will run for president!)

October 2011

"And Chris Christie isn't running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still …" –David Letterman

"You folks feeling the economic pinch? That's why we lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are now accepting chickens." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama met with the Chicago Bears championship team from 1985. When she heard about Bears in the White House, Sarah Palin was like, 'Maybe I will run for president!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, 'Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because there's nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn (she just couldn't handle the two-year commitment)

October 2011

"Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there's nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn." –Seth Meyers

"On Tuesday New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he that he was not running for president. And then on Wednesday Sarah Palin also announced that she would not run. Palin said she would love to be president but she just couldn't handle the two-year commitment." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”