they pulled over Snoop Dog's bus and found a baked ham (unanswered questions)

Yesterday police in Ohio pulled over Ruben Studdard tour bus and the cops found a bag of marijuana. Police believe there must have been a mix-up because later they pulled over Snoop Dog's bus and found a baked ham. --Conan O’Brien 4/13/2004

There's a new Paris Hilton sex video. When asked about it Hilton said, “I feel like the first one left a lot of unanswered questions.” --Conan O’Brien 9/28/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up (a woman not currently sleeping with her husband)

 

"Actually, both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have now commented on the John McCain political ad. And both of them said, 'Who's John McCain?' So I don't know." --Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up. Just don't do anything." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is furious at Ann Coulter for attacking the 9/11 widows. This is the maddest Hillary's ever been at a woman not currently sleeping with her husband." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Using your taxes to rebuild the stuff your taxes paid to blow up (I will never be sober again)

We should have seen that Matt Lauer had a strange obsession with women. I mean, just look at any of his actual Halloween costumes. Dolly Parton, "Baywatch" babe, Paris Hilton, and Lucy from Peanuts. Good grief. After looking at those photos, I think he could have been fired for sexually harassing himself. –Stephen Colbert

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

They added that the Chinese will continue to fight climate change, quote, “whatever the circumstances.” Just hold on — things have gotten so bad now that China is telling us to care about the environment?! Have you SEEN Beijing? No, you haven’t, because it’s hidden behind their air. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I feel like the first one left a lot of unanswered questions (serving detention)

Some TV critics have accused Donald Trump's show The Apprentice of being nothing but a year-long infomercial for Trump's company. When asked to comment, Donald Trump said, “Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump.” --Conan O’Brien 4/16/2004

There's a new Paris Hilton sex video. When asked about it Hilton said, “I feel like the first one left a lot of unanswered questions.” --Conan O’Brien 9/28/2004

Breakfast Club star Anthony Michael Hall is facing seven years in prison for fighting his neighbor. However, his lawyer is trying to plea bargain that down to just serving detention with Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, and Judd Nelson. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And, just like that, we have a new spokesperson for Jell-O Pudding (At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?)

There were new allegations against the nominee for the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh, aka "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," is facing another accusation from a woman who says she knew him when they were in high school. She alleges that he and his friends would target girls with alcohol and Quaaludes in order to take advantage of them sexually. And, just like that, we have a new spokesperson for Jell-O Pudding — we lose a Cosby and gain a Kavanaugh. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Paris Hilton just bought an $8,000 Chihuahua. How does Paris Hilton still have $8,000? The dog weighs 12 ounces. I’ve eaten hot dogs that weigh more than 12 ounces. That’s not even officially a dog, that’s a hamster; she spent eight grand on a hamster. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (Finally a literary reference I can understand)

"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. After hearing this the president said, 'Finally a literary reference I can understand.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Did you folks see President Bush's speech last night, the special address? He said many, many, improvements have been made in Iraq. For example, the roads have been improved, the schools have been improved, medical care has improved. Now if only that could happen here." --David Letterman

"This is absolutely true. During the scare Vice President Cheney was inside working while President Bush was outside riding his bicycle. So it was a typical day at the White House. Remember the last time this kind of thing happened, he was reading a children's book. This time he was riding a bicycle. How old his he -- 12? You laugh but as soon as they gave the all- clear he went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." --Jay Leno

"You saw that Bush press conference last night. Did you see him at the end of it? He said I don't want to cut into some of these TV shows that are getting ready to air and he literally went off the air so that Paris Hilton's reality show could go on. Talk about a contrast -- a ditzy socialite trying to function in a real job, and then Paris Hilton's show." --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for (that's only $22 a day)

"Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt, let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now they are saying that Eliot Spitzer may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that's only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Too bad Bush can't find bin Laden to thank him personally (These colors don't run into the building)

 

"Here's a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in eighty years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him two-and-a-half." --Jay Leno

"And earlier this week on the Internet, Paris Hilton posted her own ad to spoof the ad John McCain made about her. The McCain camp responded by saying that Paris Hilton supports McCain's approach to America's energy crisis. You know, how desperate is your presidential campaign when you have to try and convince people that Paris Hilton agrees with you? Personally, I'm not voting till I hear what Britney has to say." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush says Osama bin Laden actually helped him defeat John Kerry in the election. Too bad Bush can't find bin Laden to thank him personally." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about? (The Wars of the 1%)

"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it." --Jay Leno

"A new study involving 1800 patients and six major hospitals failed to prove the healing power of prayer. They said prayer does not work in healing. There goes the Republican health care plan." --Jay Leno

 

"Oh, you hear about this? Here you go. Paris Hilton's mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. You know about this? He put Paris in his campaign video, and she's furious. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about?" --Jay Leno

 

"Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you? (Don't Just Lay There)

President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is in the news. The Dalai Lama is threatening to resign from his position as the spiritual leader of Tibet. When asked why, the Dalai Lama said, 'I promised myself I'd quit the moment it stopped being fun.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal (This is how cons work)

"After that fight the other night between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton at the Democratic debates -- did you watch that? Well, John Edwards said he is proud to represent the grownup wing of the Democratic party. The grownup wing of the Democratic Party? No wonder he's in third place. Talk about a distant minority." --Jay Leno

"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney said yesterday Democrats are not competent to fight the war in Iraq -- coming from a guy who shot at a bird and hit a lawyer." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is hosting Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Bush family compound in Maine this week. They're going fishing and boating. The press is calling it the 'Lobster Summit.' Now, don't confuse that with Paris Hilton's upcoming weekend in Maui. That's called 'Crabfest.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So my soulmate is out there (He got 2.5 billion hits!)

October 2013

"According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to." –Jay Leno

"The White House said today that one of the reasons the Obamacare website has had so many problems is because it's so popular that it was overwhelmed. Really? How come Psy's 'Gangnam Style' video never had any problems? He got 2.5 billion hits!" –Jay Leno

"Have you tried to log on to the Obamacare website? It's slow. It is slower than my watch during an interview with Paris Hilton." –Jay Leno

"The Obamacare website is not the only one crashing. The NSA website went offline Friday after suspected hackers broke into it. Hey, NSA: It's not so much fun when people are sneaking into YOUR computer, is it?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's true, now hand me another golden sausage (Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet)

"I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'"  –Craig Ferguson

"So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet." –Craig Ferguson

"The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Donald Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles (emergency sleeveless robes)

"Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha's Vineyard in August. Obama was like, 'This is my longest vacation ever,' and voters were like, 'Wait'll you see the one we're planning for you!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Unless she needs to rush to Washington to fix the economy (the vice presidential debate will be postponed till after the election)

Did you see that David Blaine, the street magician,  and so here was a guy who was hanging for 60 hours in Central Park overnight. They left him. He was just hanging there. They just left the guy hanging there. It's the same thing McCain did to me last night. Here's good news, Paris Hilton is on the program tonight. Unless she needs to rush to Washington to fix the economy, and a lot of people don't know this but Paris Hilton was actually John McCain's first choice for running mate. --David Letterman 9/25/2008

Yeah, McCain got out of last night's show. I wasn't so lucky. But McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the the big government bailout. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed till after the election. --David Letterman 9/25/2008

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the bat-signal is a picture of Cher (a combination of sandalwood, orange blossom, and the Green Bay Packers)

Sunday is the Super Bowl and this year for the first time ever did you know this the game will be shown in China. Officials say it's a chance for the people who make the jerseys to see where they end up. --Conan O’Brien 2/4/2005

According to Access Hollywood Paris Hilton has launched her own brand of perfume. The scent is a combination of sandalwood, orange blossom, and the Green Bay Packers. --Conan O’Brien 2/4/2005

Some film reviewers say the latest Batman movie hints that Batman might be gay. They may be right because in this version the bat-signal is a picture of Cher. --Conan O’Brien 6/16/2005

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance (we'll get it in through the backdoor)

It's been reported that Ashton Kutcher has given Demi Moore an emerald and diamond bracelet worth $300,000. Afterwards Demi Moore said, “I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance.” --Conan O’Brien 3/31/2005

This is an interesting statistic. 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pets than they are with their partners. Which explains why Paris Hilton's dog has to get so many shots. --Conan O’Brien 3/31/2005

Earlier today Republicans in the Senate failed to get enough votes to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. Afterwards Republicans said we're not giving up. If we can't Ram it down their throats we'll get it in through the backdoor. --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

Ken Jennings became the first person ever to win 1 million dollars on Jeopardy. He’s like a machine. You can tell that he's getting cocky because whenever he hears the name Alex Trebek he answers, “Who's my bitch?” --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

at the Taj Mahal you're only supposed to take your shoes off (Richard Simmons hole punch. It'll penetrate anything)

Christina Aguilera says she's searching for inspiration. She’s India right now now. She has run into a few problems because at the Taj Mahal you're only supposed to take your shoes off. --Conan O’Brien 12/2/2004

They have online auctions of celebrity memorabilia sometimes. At an online auction a a stapler signed by Paris Hilton is going for more than $1,000. Not selling so well, the Richard Simmons hole punch. It'll penetrate anything. --Conan O’Brien 12/2/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm not worried about the questions, I'm worried about the answers (a two minute hunger strike)

Democrats are saying that President Bush is refusing to take part in a town hall debate with John Kerry because Bush is worried about the questions the audience will ask him. After hearing this the Bush said, “That's ridiculous. I'm not worried about the questions, I'm worried about the answers.” --Conan O’Brien 9/17/2004

Paris Hilton has just written a book and in the book Paris says she never wears the same outfit twice. Mainly because she can't remember where she left it. --Conan O’Brien 9/17/2004

In Germany politicians are calling for higher taxes on fat people because they say fat people are a bigger drain on the healthcare system. Apparently fat people in Germany were so mad when they heard this they threatened to go on a two minute hunger strike. --Conan O’Brien 9/17/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know it's Clinton's message because it starts with, “What are you wearing?” (Social Security Fun Facts)

Paris Hilton's nipple popped out of her dress at the American Dance Music Awards. Afterwards Hilton said she hasn't been that embarrassed since her nipple popped out at the Emmys, the Oscars, and the Heisman Trophy ceremony. --Conan O’Brien 3/11/2004

A high school in England is offering its students a course in elvish, the language spoken in the Lord of the Rings. Not surprisingly elvish has no words for “girl, date or kiss.” --Conan O’Brien 3/11/2004

President Clinton plans to tape a phone message that will be sent to voters homes urging people to vote Democrat. You know it's Clinton's message because it starts with, “What are you wearing?” --Conan O’Brien 10/13/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”