It was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke (trying to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol”)

Watching Donald Trump try to explain the legal troubles of his declaring a National Emergency was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke. --Colin Jost, SNL

A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol.” --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey (pretending you have universal healthcare)

Police arrested a man who pulled his car off to the side of the road and started to have sex with it. That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey. --Colin Jost

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

​​New York City lawmakers have proposed a new law to change the sound of emergency vehicle sirens to resemble those used in Europe. That way you can spend your time in the ambulance pretending you have universal healthcare. --Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wish it had been you (traffic across state lines)

According to a senior official, President Trump keeps a letter in the Resolute Desk addressed to Vice President JD Vance in the event he dies or is assassinated. The letter reads simply, "I wish it had been you.” —Colin Jost

Texas Senator John Cornyn has introduced legislation to rename a state highway "Trump Interstate" because, for some reason, people associate Trump with traffic across state lines. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You Sure This Is Legal? Institute (keeping it and expanding it wherever possible)

This week, CIA Director John Ratcliffe traveled to Cuba, which has run out of oil and is experiencing massive blackouts. We sent the CIA director because the FBI guy is also experiencing massive blackouts. —Colin Jost

Health Secretary RFK Jr., said during an Oval Office event, that, in 1970, men had twice the sperm count as our teenagers do today. The teenage sperm counts were measured at the You Sure This Is Legal? Institute. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

A pretty good deal! (We beg to differ)

This week, President Trump traveled 14,000 miles, a round trip to China, for a 48-hour summit, which historians are already calling, "Could have been an email.” —Colin Jost

President Trump arrived in China, but instead of Xi Jinping, he was greeted by the country's vice president, Han Zheng -- or, as Trump called him, Xi Jinping. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings (Dad's belt)

This week was Teacher Appreciation Week, so thank you to the greatest teacher of all time... Dad's belt. —Colin Jost 

A group of middle-school students in Mississippi kept their bus from crashing after the driver passed out behind the wheel. The town says the kids are heroes who acted quickly, while the bus driver says, "The kids robbed me of the death I have long begged for.” —Colin Jost 

Police in New Jersey are investigating a construction site after a porta-potty mysteriously exploded, though in New Jersey, that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That better not be you, Mickey (the ashes of the ruling class)

World health authorities are tracking down dozens of passengers who left a cruise ship where there was a deadly outbreak of hantavirus, which is typically caused by exposure to rodent droppings. Damn it. That better not be you, Mickey. —Colin Jost

Jeffrey Epstein's alleged suicide note was released and contains the phrase "What you want me to do? Bust out crying?" Which is apparently referencing a line from a "Little Rascals" movie, and I think this note is real because Little Rascals were Epstein's type. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

anyone but J.D. Vance (3 stages of truth)

Well, this week Secretary of State Marco Rubio traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Leo in an attempt to repair the U.S. relationship with the Vatican after the Pope requested anyone but J.D. Vance. —Colin Jost

During their meeting, Marco Rubio also presented the Pope with a gift of an egg-shaped crystal, which he bought on his favorite religious website, AdamAndEve.com. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How to start World Peace (So you'll always carry a reminder of why you fled the country)

The U.S. State Department is introducing a special-edition passport that features an image of Donald Trump. So you'll always carry a reminder of why you fled the country. —Colin Jost 

An aviation company is now conducting tests of an all-electric air taxi to fly wealthy customers from Manhattan to JFK Airport, while economy customers can use their Slingshot to LaGuardia. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the current estimate for the war in Iran is $25 billion -- a gallon (What are we bombing them with, White House ballrooms?)

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, seen here right after the bartender cut him off...testified before Congress, where he revealed that the current estimate for the war in Iran is $25 billion -- a gallon. —Colin Jost

Also, how has the war already cost $25 billion? What are we bombing them with, White House ballrooms? —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Iraq rememberer (Andrew Island)

Well, we start tonight with some breaking news. Just a few hours ago Spirit Airlines permanently shut down mid-flight. The airline stranded thousands of passengers at airports with no employees manning any of the check-in desks. Spirit said they were proud they were still maintaining their normal level of service. —Colin Jost

King Charles also presented President Trump with the original bell from a British submarine and said, "Should you ever need to get a hold of us, just give us a ring.” Or Trump could just call the guy saved in his phone as "Andrew (Island).” —Colin Jost  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this according to a recent lie a man told his wife (smartest pork chop)

A number of bars around the country have implemented a policy banning cellphones, this according to a recent lie a man told his wife. —Colin Jost    

A pig named Merlin that can talk using pre-programmed buttons has set a new world record for largest Instagram following for a pig. And then it set the record for smartest pork chop. —Colin Jost    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ma! Why You Gotta Tell Them That For? (the bank goblins from Harry Potter)

 

A new report finds that the state with the most adult children still living with their parents is New Jersey. Adult children in New Jersey are calling the report "Ma! Why You Gotta Tell Them That For?” —Colin Jost    

British officials have blocked Kanye West from entering the country to perform at a music festival despite his offer to meet with members of England's Jewish community, which he thinks are the bank goblins from Harry Potter. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

That tells you everything you need to know (They're literally holding a straight)

 

Today the United States held peace negotiations with Iran. But then, just an hour ago, President Trump posted, "If Iran doesn't agree to peace, the greatest military of all time, ours, will "f" Iran right up their Strait of Hormuz. Asalam alaykum, you crazy bastards." Now, I completely made that up. But isn't it kind of disturbing that you all totally believed that he had posted that? President Trump did genuinely issue a post threatening to destroy Iran's entire civilization and then ended with the phrase "praise be to Allah.” And I know that almost makes Trump sound like he is a radical terrorist. But remember, Trump has already been to a paradise with 72 virgins. —Colin Jost    

Before the peace talks fell apart, President Trump warned Iran about making any more demands, saying, "The Iranians don't seem to realize they have no cards." They're literally holding a “straight." —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

Weekend Update: Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost Again - SNL

 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Weekend Update: Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost - SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The dig was funded by the Institute of Harmful Stereotypes (500 yards away from school property)

Today, in case you didn't know, is National Love Our Children Day, which is traditionally celebrated 500 yards away from school property. —Colin Jost

Archaeologists have discovered 12,000-year-old dice that they believe Native Americans used for gambling. The dig was funded by the Institute of Harmful Stereotypes. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he once mysteriously teleported to a Waffle House 50 miles away (Moist people)

A top FEMA official revealed in an interview that he once mysteriously teleported to a Waffle House 50 miles away… which is a phenomenon better known as drunk driving. —Colin Jost

Tiger Woods was arrested for a DUI after a rollover crash in Florida. Tiger said he was disappointed in himself because he just missed the green. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The biggest psychological operation in the history of mankind (the worst publicity we've ever had)

JD Vance is releasing a book about his conversion to Catholicism. The Catholic Church is calling it, "Somehow the worst publicity we've ever had.” —Colin Jost

According to reports, Iranian hackers are launching sophisticated cyber attacks on hospitals and healthcare organizations. But the joke's on them because our healthcare system is so busted that nobody noticed. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only person Trump has ever trusted to handle the Epstein situation is a prison guard with the cameras off (37.7%)

President Trump addressed the nation about the war with Iran and threatened to "bring them back to the Stone Age where they belong.” And in the spirit of Easter, let me just say... Jesus Christ! —Colin Jost

This week, Attorney General Pam Bondi was asked to redact herself from her job. President Trump reportedly fired Bondi over her handling of the Epstein files... because the only person Trump has ever trusted to handle the Epstein situation is a prison guard with the cameras off. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”