The major failure of Mike Pence’s time-tested political strategy (An attitude we in the Biz call “The Melania.”)

Earlier this week Donald Trump hosted a 2020 strategy meeting with his advisers. Among the topics discussed was whether Mike Pence should remain on the ticket. If he gets dropped, that will be a major failure of Mike Pence’s time-tested political strategy: Be so boring people forget you exist. --Stephen Colbert

Word is, Trump’s pick for Attorney General, William Barr, having already been Attorney General, doesn’t feel a particular ambition for the job. But he’ll take it. An attitude we in the Biz call “The Melania.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump's own personal kryptonite (Duck Season! Rabbit Season!)

Still recovering from yesterday’s Oval Office Battle Royale between Trump, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi and the corpse of Mike Pence. He looks fresh. They ice him down every night. He’s like salmon. Donald Trump is trying to put a positive spin on Donald Trump’s performance. But one person’s not buying that: that’s Donald Trump.

Because according to witnesses, Trump “Stormed out of the Oval Office and threw his briefing papers across the room.” Oh, No! Now how is he going to read his briefing? Witnesses say that Trump was mainly frustrated with Chuck Schumer saying that “His old sparring buddy got the better of him. Schumer had goaded him into it.” Schumer got Trump but using Trump's own personal kryptonite: Opening his mouth.

Trump said, “Chuck, you want to shut down the government.” Then Schumer said, No sir. You want to shut down the government.” Then Trump said, “Yes I do. Checkmate.” I have only seen negotiating that good one time before. It was between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. “Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season!” Fire! --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave (Trump has been nothing but nice to them)

“Meanwhile, the vice-poodle seems to be learning some Trumpy

new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to

let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network

promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t

know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s

Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made

nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm

down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of

the Space Force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only is Sarah Palin young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards." --Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is upset today because so many of his former Republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties because none of the guys have jumped in to lend their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald Trump has been nothing but nice to them. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

God, I bet he he wishes he never left Kenya (wedding vowels)

So, Wheel of Fortunes Vanna White married her longtime partner after 16 years of dating. It was a beautiful ceremony where they exchanged wedding vowels. —Greg Gutfeld

During a speech in Davos, President Trump mistakenly said Iceland when he meant to say Greenland. He also said turgid pile of excrement when he meant to say Mike Pence. —Greg Gutfeld

On yet another podcast, Michelle Obama revealed that she and Barack attend couples therapy. I’m starting to feel sorry for Barack. All Michelle does is spill their secrets. God, I bet he he wishes he never left Kenya. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was so hard staying alive, staying alive (such a powerful, strong fly)

“You know, Donald Trump talks about cabin fever like it’s an actual illness. [as Trump] This cabin fever, worse than any disease we’ve ever had, even worse than the disease from the ’70s, disco fever. It was so hard staying alive, staying alive.” — Trevor Noah

“But the highlight was, of course, the fly which landed on Pence’s head and lit up social media. What was crazy was how long it sat there for. The fly perched on his head for over two minutes without Pence noticing. Even Trump was watching at home like, ‘Wow, two minutes with Mike Pence, I could never do that. We’ve got to get that fly to White House – such a powerful, strong fly.’” —Trevor Noah

At a shutdown protest at the Michigan Capital Building, two white female protesters badgered police officers and white men with rifles prowled the statehouse. Now, I’m sure a lot of these people probably saw this video and said to themselves, ‘man, if black people were holding guns and shouting at the police, that protest would end badly.’ But guys, please, that’s not true – the protest wouldn’t have ended badly. There wouldn’t have been a protest, because all the black people would’ve been pulled over on the way there.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire (a monster truck rally on cocaine)

“Wednesday’s vice-presidential debate bore the marks of a pandemic now tearing through the White House, with two plexiglass barriers separating the candidates on stage. But once you got past the whole plague thing, the debate itself was actually pretty normal. It was kind of like a throwback to what campaigns used to be like, before Donald Trump arrived on the scene and turned every political event into a monster truck rally on cocaine.” —Trevor Noah

“For those keeping score, Trump paid $750 in taxes and $130,000 to a porn star, which means if the I.R.S. wants to get money from Trump, you guys know what you got to do.” —Trevor Noah

“While Kamala Harris avoided answering a question about expanding the supreme court, Pence dodged questions all evening like they were a PG-13 movie. To be fair, defending Donald Trump is like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have personally donated thousands of dollars to people who slide down poles for a living (I have good news and I have bad news)

Donald Trump was going crazy on Twitter because a big firefighters union decided to endorse Joe Biden instead of him. He's really upset with this union. He sent a tweet that said, "I've done more for firefighters than this dues-sucking union will ever do." Then he added, "I have personally donated thousands of dollars to people who slide down poles for a living." --Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of strip clubs, listen to this. Yesterday, Mike Pence gave a speech to some Navy sailors. And before Pence walked out, the sailors were told that they had to clap like they were at a strip club. Even weirder, Pence was introduced like this. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence! --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Besides, you're saying it wrong. (This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave)

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, vice president Pence seems to be learning some Trumpy new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

drunker than a ship captain in the Suez Canal (You got this, right?)

“Joe Biden’s press conference. It was quite the event. If you did a

shot every time Biden said, ‘Look, folks,’ you got drunker than

a ship captain in the Suez Canal.” —Jimmy Fallon

“There were a lot of questions today about immigration after

Biden announced that Vice President Harris will be overseeing

the challenges at the U.S.-Mexico border. It’s similar to how

Trump put Pence in charge of handling the pandemic. When

the going get tough, presidents are like, ‘You got this, right?’”

—Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They just put the whiskey in a bottle and put the bottle in front of CNN (That can be cured)

A start-up in San Francisco has developed a way to make an aged whiskey in just 24 hours. They just put the whiskey in a bottle and put the bottle in front of CNN. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters today that Donald Trump is a huge Elton John fan. “That can be cured,” said Mike Pence. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Biden told the waiter it was their anniversary (complaints have dropped by 88%)

A pair of zebras got loose in downtown Philadelphia this weekend after escaping from a nearby circus. They were chased down and captured almost immediately by Eagles fans who mistook them for referees. –Seth Meyers

Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together this afternoon. And just to [tick] him off, Biden told the waiter it was their anniversary. – Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can do this already with a ZIP code (side of mayo)

President Trump had lunch with Vice President Mike Pence today. He didn't mean to. He just asked a waiter for a side of mayo and they brought Pence over. --Seth Meyers

A new CNN poll shows that Carly Fiorina has pushed Chris Christie out of the top 10 for the Republican nomination. Unfortunately, she threw her back out doing it. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You really don't think they know how angry we've become? (Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence!)

"On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn't able to eat for 24 hours." –Jimmy Fallon

 Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of strip clubs, listen to this. Yesterday, Mike Pence gave a speech to some Navy sailors. And before Pence walked out, the sailors were told that they had to clap like they were at a strip club. Even weirder, Pence was introduced like this. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence! --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language (Mike Pence drives for Uber)

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. –Conan O’Brien

In New York City, an Uber driver kicked a lesbian couple out of his car after they kissed. The real story here is that Mike Pence drives for Uber. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things got off to a rough start when Trump offered the probation officer $130,000 (Have you thought about learning to code?)

On Monday, former President Donald Trump met with his New York probation officer for the first time after his conviction last month. Things got off to a rough start when Trump offered the probation officer $130,000. —Jimmy Fallon 

“The final probation report will remain sealed, but one thing probation folks usually ask convicts is about their employment. [imitating probation officer] ‘OK, Mr. Trump, it says here you got fired from your last job for being, uh, terrible at it and for — is this correct? This is right here — and for trying to kill a Mr. Mike Pence? Oh, but I see down here you are actually currently applying for a new job, which is the same job. OK. Have you thought about learning to code?’” — Stephen Colbert

“Former President Trump held an outdoor rally yesterday in Las Vegas, and temperatures exceeded 100 degrees. It was so bad, Trump began exhibiting symptoms of heat stroke 10 years ago.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How long before he starts bragging about this? (they are not my enemy)

The former president’s New York City trial, where he faces multiple charges, which is coming to an end as the jury deliberates. Trump is hoping for a hung jury. Of course he was also hoping for a hung Mike Pence but that didn’t happen. —Jimmy Kimmel 

“You do have to hand it to him, no president has ever been convicted more than Donald Trump. How long before he starts bragging about this?” —Jimmy Kimmel

After the verdict, Trump spoke to press about how the trial was “rigged” by a “conflicted” judge and promised his supporters that they would still be fighting to win the election in November. And if he doesn’t win, he’ll say he won anyway. The only thing he’s gonna be fighting to win is the Jell-o cup on his prison tray. —Jimmy Kimmel

The only Trump relative in court for the verdict was “stupid Eric” who then went on to tweet that 30 May would go down as the day that his father won the 2024 election. I think it will go down as the day that a jury spanked your dad even harder than Stormy did. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times (you don’t believe in luck any more)

While Stormy Daniels testified in New York, Indiana held their Republican presidential primary. Trump easily won, as the only candidate still in the race, but Nikki Haley, who dropped out two months ago, still received more than 21% of the vote. Which means either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump, meanwhile, used his one day off per week from the trial to focus on his pyramid scheme, by hosting a dinner at Mar-a-Lago for the fans who bought his NFTs. Attendees had to buy all 47 of Trump’s NFTs for $99 each. I would hate to be his assistant this morning – ‘Sir, a reminder, tonight you have to eat with the freaks who paid $4,700 to have pictures of you wearing Superman tights and a cape, OK?’ Melania, too, is doing her Be Best to cash in, with her own line of signature Mother’s Day jewelry. A necklace engraved with “love & gratitude” and her signature was available for $245, shaped like a three-leaf clover, because when you are Donald Trump’s wife, you don’t believe in luck any more. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day (selfie sticks)

Vice president-elect Mike Pence was seen today using a selfie stick while posing with a group of House Republicans. Of course, right after using the selfie stick, Pence had to go to confession. –Seth Meyers

It keeps happening. Trump makes up something insane about another country and then the president of that country has to come out and say it's not true. We're like a week away from the president of Romania calling a press conference to say, "I did not tell President Trump that vampires are real." --Seth Meyers

Friday was “World Vasectomy Day.” Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

As if the people in that building don't cry enough already (That can be cured)

Adele will perform at Madison Square Garden six times in 2016 as part of her new world tour. As if the people in that building don't cry enough already. –Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush told reporters today that he does not think Russia “influenced” the election. And if anybody knows about not influencing elections, it’s Jeb Bush. –Seth Meyers

Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters today that President Trump is a huge Elton John fan. “That can be cured,” said Mike Pence. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”