How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship? (urine samples)

In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?—Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is that some mobster from Queens who took you under his wing? (I bet the inside of your brain looks like Pee-wee’s Playhouse)

“President Trump gave a speech at a Georgia high school on Wednesday where he likened the state’s Democratic senator, Jon Ossoff, to “Pinky Herman”. Who the [expletive] is Pinky Herman? Is that some mobster from Queens who took you under his wing?” — Seth Meyers

“Sorry, do you mean Pee-wee Herman? Because he doesn’t look anything like Pee-wee Herman. If anything, I bet the inside of your brain looks like Pee-wee’s Playhouse.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You refuse to see it when it's the reality you're living in (So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump)

"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam." –Conan O'Brien

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump. —Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because they're simply better than the rest of us (to work on his color)

Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color. –Conan O’Brien

"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here are the results. I threw up twice (he’s holding out for half the wardrobe)

Kristi Noem and her cross-dressing husband are getting divorced. Kristi Noem’s ex is not asking for alimony but he’s holding out for half the wardrobe. —Tyrus

65 year old Kathy Griffin clarified that her Instagram post teasing of a romance with a twenty-two year old man was a sociological experiment. Here are the results. I threw up twice. —Tyrus

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.' (they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time)

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit (And also a box of Magnum XLs)

President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 Million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit. --Michael Che, SNL

A 93 year old man at a nursing home in California hitch-hiked to a local convenience store so he could buy a chocolate bar to split with his girlfriend. And also a box of Magnum XLs. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six (fermented palm sap)

Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Parents will say, "These giant teacups are spinning too fast," and the kids will be like, "We are not even on the ride yet." --Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste (every night is ladies night)

According to MSNBC Britney Spears recently hired a person to keep an eye on Kevin Federline 24 hours a day. Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste. --Conan O’Brien 5/4/2006

Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and it costs $7 to get in. On the bright side every night is ladies night. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season (Boy, you think you know somebody)

"The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman

I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody. –David Letterman

"Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the worst matchup for an interview since they sent that honey glazed ham to interview Chris Christie (They're Like a '5' Tops)

Roy Moore's campaign just got worse because yesterday we found out that a pro-Trump group sent a 12 year old girl to interview Roy Moore. This is the worst matchup for an interview since they sent that honey glazed ham to interview Chris Christie. –Stephen Colbert

Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I'm guessing, "The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren't Anywhere Near a '10,' They're Like a '5' Tops." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The world is in your hands (I have record-breaking humility)

The union for air traffic controllers is worried because their members are not getting enough sleep. Due to the shutdown, unpaid air traffic controllers are waiting tables and driving for Uber in the time left over from their 10 hour shifts. That’s dangerous! You don’t want burnt out air traffic controllers waiting tables. You could end up with onion rings instead of fries. --Stephen Colbert

It was an especially awkward moment, because Donald Trump was in town to tout the benefits of the Republican tax plan. And he knows exactly who deserves all the credit for the booming economy [clip of Trump]: "You know, you can work hard, but if you don't have the right leader setting the right tone, in all fairness — I am not even saying — I am NON-braggadocious.” [imitates Trump]: I do the most least amount of bragging anyone has ever seen. I have record-breaking humility. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cool! Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass! (They are publicly buying democracy)

Paul Ryan was instrumental in getting the Republican tax cut passed last year, and on Saturday he was in a bragging mood, tweeting, "A secretary at a public high school in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, said she was pleasantly surprised her pay went up $1.50 a week. She said that will more than cover her Costco membership for the year." Cool! Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass! --Stephen Colbert

"To all the worrywarts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

For the first time ever, President Trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for Dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, they are called Republicans (starter pack)

 Governor Gavin Newsome announced a plan to provide 400 free diapers for every newborn baby, or as Jill Biden calls it, a starter pack. —Greg Gutfeld

AOC claims there are quote a lot of people who would like to see her run for president in 2028. Yes, they are called Republicans. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals (after page 72,000, it gets really good)

"Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That 

number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." –Conan 

O'Brien

"It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. 

But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good." 

– Conan O'Brien

 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Americans love rich people (tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings)

Americans love rich people. That’s why we don’t tax them. 

— Stephen Colbert

“Now, and it turns out, the president is not legally allowed to sign 

checks from the I.R.S. So instead, Mnuchin decided to put the 

president’s name in the ‘memo’ section of the check. Still better 

than Trump’s alternative: tucking the cash directly into Americans’ 

G-strings.” — Stephen Colbert

“Uh, I don’t think anyone wants a check that Trump signed. I think 

that legally makes you a p*rn star.” — Stephen Colbert

 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because you know who left the last supper early? (that’s only because it’s never been worse)

 

A happy tax day to all who celebrate. Reports about the Iran War has driven consumer sentiment to its lowest level in 70 years. It turns out that 1956 is as far back as the numbers go, meaning that consumer confidence is at the lowest ever recorded. It may sound bad, but that’s only because it’s never been worse. —Stephen Colbert    

Vice President JD Vance commented at a Tuesday event about the Pope’s criticism of Trump’s Iran war. “I think it’s very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” Hey, JD, I know you’re Catholic, but you joined in 2019, OK? I’ve been genuflecting since the mid-1960s. I think you’re out over your Catholic skis here, OK? I think it’s time for you to sit down, then stand back up. Then kneel. Then stand again. Then shake hands with people around you. Then kneel a little more, then go take communion, then go back to your pew for some more kneeling, because you’re not sneaking out of here after communion. Because you know who left the last supper early? Judas. —Stephen Colbert    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”
 

Keep doing what you’re not doing (Operation Why Does My Back Hurt?)

On The Daily Show, Josh Johnson looked at the deployment of federal agents in US airports plagued by long lines, thanks to the partial government shutdown. “The good news is that Trump sent people to help TSA. The bad news is those people are ICE. You’re telling me ICE agents are showing up to the airport and doing absolutely nothing? Well then it’s my honor to present the award for Most Improved Agency. To ICE, he said: You’re not doing anything, and honestly thank God! Keep doing what you’re not doing.” — Josh Johnson

The army also just raised its maximum recruitment age to 42, up from 35, in an effort to draw more recruits. Oh shit. We’re letting 42-year-olds sign up for the military now? They’re going to have to change the name from Operation Epic Fury to Operation Why Does My Back Hurt? —Josh Johnson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's so annoying when your boss is disobedient (it's going to drive good people out of the fraud business)

"The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these CEOs get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher

"Apparently Dick Cheney is coming out with a memoir, and he said during the second term, Bush stopped taking his advice. That has got to hurt. When the most gullible man in America stops buying your bulls**t. It's so annoying when your boss is disobedient." --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Friends are saying it's the longest Donald Trump has stayed faithful to anything (truck nuts)

In last night's speech, President Trump reportedly didn't stray from the teleprompter once. Friends are saying it's the longest Donald Trump has stayed faithful to anything. --Conan O’Brien

It is so cold in the midwest that truck nuts have actually moved up inside the truck. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”