Because you know who left the last supper early? (that’s only because it’s never been worse)

 

A happy tax day to all who celebrate. Reports about the Iran War has driven consumer sentiment to its lowest level in 70 years. It turns out that 1956 is as far back as the numbers go, meaning that consumer confidence is at the lowest ever recorded. It may sound bad, but that’s only because it’s never been worse. —Stephen Colbert    

Vice President JD Vance commented at a Tuesday event about the Pope’s criticism of Trump’s Iran war. “I think it’s very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” Hey, JD, I know you’re Catholic, but you joined in 2019, OK? I’ve been genuflecting since the mid-1960s. I think you’re out over your Catholic skis here, OK? I think it’s time for you to sit down, then stand back up. Then kneel. Then stand again. Then shake hands with people around you. Then kneel a little more, then go take communion, then go back to your pew for some more kneeling, because you’re not sneaking out of here after communion. Because you know who left the last supper early? Judas. —Stephen Colbert    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”
 

Stuart Little and the Forbidden Cave (the media doesn't talk about it)

Hillary Clinton testified this week and said she's confident that Bill Clinton had no knowledge of Jeffrey Epstein's crimes, though there is an outside chance that Hillary sometimes doesn't know what her husband is up to. —Michael Che

Actress Amanda Seyfried revealed in an interview that, for a scene in her new movie, she used a prosthetic butthole. Even more disturbing, the movie is "Stuart Little and the Forbidden Cave.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr. (safety lecture)

Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails showing he actively tried to collaborate with the Russians before the election. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, "Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr." –Conan O’Brien

A flight attendant has pled guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich! (he kept talking over a loud screeching sound)

"Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the 'NBC Nightly News' while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound - or as that's also known, 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

The president just signed a law that will require men’s restrooms in federal buildings to have baby-changing tables. Or as most guys will call that, “Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Over my soon to be dead body (Thanks, but I just wanted a Big Mac)

Karine Jean-Pierre announced that she's writing a tell-all book about the Biden administration. In response people are saying "Thanks, but I just wanted a Big Mac." —Greg Gutfeld

And when Joe Biden was asked if he's going to read the book he replied "Over my soon to be dead body." —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

waxing the rainforest (attorney-Meat Loaf privilege)

Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called “ErotikaLand.” In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest. –Conan O’Brien

One of President Trump's accusers is trying to subpoena recordings of Trump from "The Apprentice." However, Trump's legal team has refused, citing "attorney-Meat Loaf privilege." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The other 30% are either in a coma or in his cabinet. Or both. (The remaining 32% want to kick him right in the D)

President Trump’s favorability rating has been as low as 39%, the worst numbers since polling began. I gotta believe that’s hard to hear. Nothing Trump has done so far is particularly popular in any of these polls so far, but the thing that’s really dragging him down is his handling of the economy. An ABC poll found seven in 10 Americans thought the economy was “not so good” or “poor”. The other 30% are either in a coma or in his cabinet. Or both. —Stephen Colbert

Another poll showed that only 35% of Americans approve of Elon Musk. Perhaps related, Tesla’s income fell over 70% in the first quarter of the year. You cannot buy that kind of marketing. So Musk announced that starting in May, he will step back from the government and return to working with the company. Yes, he wants to be there personally at Tesla to offer all his most valued employees his sperm. —Stephen Colbert

In 100 days, how would the American people grade Donald Trump? According to a new NPR poll, 23% would give Trump an A grade, while 45% would give him the failing grade of F. The remaining 32% want to kick him right in the D. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off (What did he say?)

“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant.

Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the

hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” –David Letterman

"March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It's how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, sorry to sour the vibe (I call coin/three thirds)

The markets had a brief upturn on Tuesday, when rumors circulated that Trump may back down from his trade war. Asked by reporters if he would back down or if the tariffs were permanent, Trump answered paradoxically: “It could both be true.” No, you can’t say it’s temporary and it’s permanent. That’s like being asked to call heads or tails and saying ‘I call coin.’ —Stephen Colbert

And according to a new analysis by the Washington Post, Trump has spent one-third of his days in office at his golf courses. And I think we might be better off if we could somehow get that up to three thirds. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months! (his worst nightmare)

I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, “Blac Chyna.” Or as Donald Trump calls that, “his worst nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's be a lot cooler if you did (More important, how could you tell if they were?)

So AOC is being called out for flying first class to speak at a Bernie Sanders fight oligarchy rally. We haven't seen this kind of hypocrisy since R Kelly told me not to pee on the toilet seat. —Greg Gutfeld

Financial experts predict that Trump’s tariffs may increase the cost of Botox. So are its regular users concerned? More important, how could you tell if they were? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

less relevant than an exercise segment on The View (Let them sink)

It's this same tunnel vision that has the Democrats less relevant than an exercise segment on The View. You can manufacture all the outrage you want but it's a big circle jerk and they're the jerks. Their concerns no longer mirror America’s. That's cuz they were supposed to inform us not try to control us. What the lefty media refuses to mention that the operation was a total success. Hell, it was only by accident that this story fell into their laps anyway. 

And who hasn't added the wrong person to a group text? That's how I got that picture of Matt Lauer’s p*nis. But it showed what the Dems are incapable of decisive action. Instead they endlessly prattle over process. Hell, way back when even Obama had the stones to hit Bin Laden. This week is a great reminder of how the media only goes to work when it's about Republicans. Remember the fake laptop story, Crossfire Hurricane, Covid’s origins or the fact that Joe wasn't running the country? 

Those were real scandals, but these hacks were as quiet as a drunk peeing on a furry toilet seat cover. The Dems launched a coup and censored Americans and the media yawned like they were watching Fox and Friends. So look for the media to do all it can to keep this on life support, but really it's their own irrelevant jobs they're trying to preserve, so don't toss them a lifeline. Let them sink. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we're referring to her skills as a gardener (beating out their usual choice, the dentist)

Jasmine Crockett claimed her Hot Wheels remark about Texas Governor Greg Abbott wasn't about his wheelchair. Yeah, and when we call her a lousy hoe we're referring to her skills as a gardener. —Greg Gutfeld

The British media are claiming that JD Vance is the most dangerous man in the world, beating out their usual choice, the dentist. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! (Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty)

President Trump signed an order today to dismantle the Department of Education. One angry ex employee claims it was the worst thing to happen since the Nazis won the Civil War. —Greg Gutfeld

You can definitely tell spring is here. In Central Park this afternoon I saw a rat catching a Frisbee. On my way into work this morning I saw my Uber driver applying sunblock to his middle finger and earlier today in Times Square I saw a Venezuelan gang member carrying a softball mitt. Yeah, hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! —Greg Gutfeld 

Hilaria Baldwin defended lashing out at her husband Alec during an awkward red carpet interview. She claimed he was man-terrupting which sure beats manslaughtering. —Greg Gutfeld

US border officials in Indiana have confiscated nearly $10,000 worth of fake Botox products. Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nancy Pelosi is hoping she can recover her luggage (now I'll never be able to serve)

Defense secretary Pete Hegseth is considering banning beards in the military. Uh, now I'll never be able to serve said Rashida Tlaib. —Greg Gutfeld

A shipwreck from 1892 has been found on the bottom of Lake Superior. Nancy Pelosi is hoping she can recover her luggage. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can’t outrun your mortality on a Vespa! (and cross it deliberately)

Meanwhile, Trump’s “wonder wheel of random tariffs” has hit most US trading partners. On Wednesday, the EU clapped back, instituting tariffs on a number of American goods including bourbon, whiskey, jeans and Harley-Davidson motorcycles. “That is going to make it so much harder for European men to have a midlife crisis. You can’t outrun your mortality on a Vespa!” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s not just the economy. Trump also, and I want to be fair, is ruining everything,” as his Environmental Protection Agency announced it would repeal dozens of the nation’s most significant environmental regulations, including more than two dozen protections against air and water pollution. “I mean, just even hearing that stresses me out. I need a drink, man,” [said Colbert before sipping a brown liquid.] “Oh my God, that’s water.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet (the world series of poker)

Elon Musk dresses like the first person eliminated from the world series of poker. —Jimmy Kimmel

“I tried something a little different this year. I set my clocks ahead four years. It didn’t work.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When asked by reporters yesterday aboard Air Force One about the possibility of a recession, President Trump said that his tariffs will make the U.S. ‘so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money’ — unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet.” — Seth Meyers

“During a Fox News interview, President Trump declined to rule out the possibility that his economic policies could cause a recession. Trump was, like, ‘Depends if we use my economic policies from this morning or this afternoon.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you thought Charles wouldn’t two-time you, you missed a whole season of The Crown (your 401 is not ’k)

President Trump is very thin-skinned, before talking about his recent meeting with Keir Starmer, who passed on an invitation from King Charles for a second state visit. Trump then saw Charles meeting with Volodymyr Zelenskyy and was privately fuming that the king makes other leaders feel special too. If you thought Charles wouldn’t two-time you, you missed a whole season of The Crown. —Stephen Colbert

The Dow Jones dropped 890 points. Now, I don’t know a lot of financial jargon, but let’s just say your 401 is not ’k.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They wake up to a hot cup of c*caine (Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate)

This week has seen the stock market plummet with the Dow Jones index falling 890 points. Despite attempts, there is “no good way to spin the story” and the news has been “bumming out everybody on Wall Street” with those who work there reportedly exhausted. Do you know how hard it is to exhaust Wall Street? They wake up to a hot cup of cocaine and then just to take the edge off, more cocaine. —Stephen Colbert 

The ex-Fox News pundit turned military chief Pete Hegseth is “less DEI more DUI” but has been in charge of removing “scary woke words from the internet. This has included the deletion of a photo of the Enola Gay plane, which dropped an atomic bomb on Japan during the second world war. It has been replaced with a photo of Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

now we have the receipts for the condoms to prove it (lower than Rosie O’Donnell’s testicles)

Thanks to DOGE, we always knew they were screwing us now we have the receipts for the condoms to prove it. —Greg Gutfeld

The media is pushing the myth that Elon Musk is in it for himself. Have you seen Tesla's stock lately? It's lower than Rosie O’Donnell’s testicles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”