My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months! (his worst nightmare)

I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, “Blac Chyna.” Or as Donald Trump calls that, “his worst nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a gold watch that stopped working years ago (they're capturing it with ducks)

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's used to being around criminals (Hey, join the club)

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer president. Hey, join the club." --Jay Leno

"And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to being around criminals." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No one is going to stop you, there are no doors (Roomba-burglar incidents)

Police in Oregon recently responded to a potential burglary in

progress after a woman reported seeing shadows of someone in

her house. Police arrived only to find the suspect was actually a

Roomba that was trapped in her bathroom. Now listen, when you

legalize weed in your state you’re going to get a few Roomba-burglar

incidents, you know? It is quite an endorsement for Roomba. It’s

so quiet you don’t notice it until you think it’s robbing your house.

--James Corden

Housing prices are so high in the San Francisco Bay Area right now that a small one-story burned-out home is selling for — brace yourself — $800,000. It comes with two-and-a-half baths and two-and-a-half walls. The house is loaded with fun features like a fire pit out back, a fire pit in the kitchen, a fire pit in the living room, and all the bedrooms got fire pits. Why not save $800,000 and just move in now? No one is going to stop you, there are no doors. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Worse, the signature reads, ‘Dear Harlan, Big fan. Adolf.’ (no questions asked)

April 2023

A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by republican mega-donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan Crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court, with no questions asked. —Colin Jost

It was also revealed today that Harlan Crow has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia, including a copy of Mein Kampf signed by Hitler. Worse, the signature reads, ‘Dear Harlan, Big fan. Adolf.’ —Colin Jost

Florida governor Ron DeSantis, who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box, signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit. Because Florida is dangerous, and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say, ‘Gay.’ —Colin Jost

A woman who has been traveling the world says she’s gone on 34 first dates in nearly 20 countries. Her secret? She’s being sex trafficked. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but that is where the similarities end (Thanks a lot, Celine Dion!)

 Just days after legalizing marijuana all across Canada, store owners throughout the country say their supply of weed is almost gone. All of Canada’s weed has been smoked. Thanks a lot, Celine Dion!” --James Corden

During the Detroit Marathon, a pair of runners stopped at the halfway point to get married. Then they continued on with the race. Yeah, nothing says the most romantic day of your life like matching sets of chafed nipples. --James Corden

In a 60 Minutes interview Donald Trump was asked about some very serious foreign policy issues to which he responded, “I’m not a baby! I know these things.” You know. How all president’s respond to tough questions. Trump was like, “Sure I may throw tantrums, communicate mostly in gibberish, and occasionally wet the bed, but that is where the similarities end.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Am I the most handsome candidate in history? (He prepared for debates by watching Friday the 13th)

Donald Trump will be holding a Q and A session on the online message board Reddit during the Democratic Convention this week — though Trump’s Q and A will be unique in that he will both ask and answer the questions. “Am I the most handsome candidate in history? Interesting question, thanks for asking. I will say, a lot of people think so.” –Seth Meyers

"Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing." –Seth Meyers

In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau revealed that he watched clips from the popular TV show “The West Wing” to prepare for debates. While Donald Trump prepared for debates by watching “Friday the 13th.” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit? (Choose your leaders wisely)

"African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?" –Bill Maher

"We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

​​"50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour. And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?" –Bill Maher

"Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”