What about the cheerleaders? (23%)

New York City will pay hotels almost $2 billion to house the homeless, which means tourists are now eligible for free rooms as long as they poop in the streets. —Greg Gutfeld 

Finally, Jerry Jones says he's open to sell the Dallas Cowboys. What about the cheerleaders, asked Bill Clinton? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things (His poor mother must be spinning in all of her graves)

"Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting." –Stephen Colbert

Lately, Donald Trump has been pretty cranky about losing his lead in the polls over retired neurosurgeon and "Guy who sits next to you in an otherwise empty theater," Ben Carson. Evidently, people have been looking at Trump and thinking, "Maybe we shouldn't elect a man who shouts crazy things. Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things." –Stephen Colbert

“New York congressman George Santos, who during his campaign lied about, and I’m rounding down here, everything. Among the things Santos lied about: where he went to high school, where he went to college, working for Goldman Sachs, owning 13 properties (he lives at his sister’s in Huntington), and that his grandparents survived the Holocaust. He also claimed his mother died in the September 11 attacks, then said she died a few years later, then admitted she died in late 2016. That is a horrible thing to lie about. His poor mother must be spinning in all of her graves.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

using the same exact technique they employed to get Joy Behar out of an Uber (it may have something to do with surprising a bear)

A tow truck driver has gone viral for rescuing a moose that was stuck in the ice. Evidently, he had practice using the same exact technique they employed to get Joy Behar out of an Uber. —Greg Gutfeld

Authorities aren't sure why a hiker was killed in a surprise encounter with a bear, though it may have something to do with surprising a bear. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Now I am become death, wheee! (Boy, do I feel stupid)

So, according to New York City's controller, the city spent $81,000 per homeless person last year. Boy, do I feel stupid paying them for sex. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump said that he may order more strikes on the Iran’s Kharg Island “just for fun”. Well sure. In the famous words of J Robert Oppenheimer: ‘Now I am become death, wheee!’ —Stephen Colbert

The annual St Patrick’s Day ceremonial White House visit by the Irish prime minister took place. It’s a standing appointment to get together with the president of the United States once a year, just like Melania. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks (the world's oldest married couple)

Tom Brady announced that his current dog is actually a clone of his previous dog who passed away two years ago. Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks. —Colin Jost

A husband and wife from Miami have been named the world's oldest married couple with a combined age of 216 years, which sounds really sweet until you realize the husband is 200. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Kids, you're both just awful (You're not supposed to put it up your butt)

So, Hunter Biden called parts of Kamala Harris's new memoir, quote, personally painful. Publishers apparently forgot to tell Hunter, "You're not supposed to put it up your butt.” —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new report, San Francisco streets are dirtier than last year with even more feces and graffiti. But officials say there's an upside. It's creating more jobs for people who count feces. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maxwell Underpass and Tarp (Yeah, easy for her to say)

Sunny Hostin said it's odd that Pete Hegseth wants tougher physical standards in the military. Yeah, easy for her to say. She's the only one in The View who can still see her feet. — Greg Gutfeld 

Maxwell House Coffee has a new brand called Maxwell Apartment to better reflect where most drinkers live. They also plan to put out a blend for San Francisco named Maxwell Underpass and Tarp. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band (Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents)

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash (I'll take two)

Illinois Governor JB Pritzker said illegal migrants are our neighbors and friends. He followed up by saying, “And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash.” —Greg Gutfeld

Earlier today, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone 17. 17? I'll take two, said Anthony Weiner. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (which explains why Nancy Pelosi’s interns keep going missing)

According to a new study, aging skin is rejuvenated by young blood and bone marrow, which explains why Nancy Pelosi’s interns keep going missing. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump said the homeless population in DC must move out immediately. He promised to be careful though because John Fetterman only looks homeless. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally? (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson

"You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Uh ... that was also rehab (Well, well, well, look who we have here!)

"On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn't able to eat for 24 hours." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, 'Uh ... that was also rehab.'" –Jimmy Fallon

New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. “Well, well, well, look who we have here!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined (People without heads tend not to speak out)

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” (Slappuccino)

A headline from the Huffington Post read “Distracted driver turns out to have 250-pound pig on lap.” The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” --James Corden

A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that. The coffee company is really trying to put a positive spin on the story. They're marketing this as their brand-new drink, the “Slappuccino.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he already had a son named Trevor (Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed)

An Australian man is making headlines after he started treating an abandoned shopping cart as his son, naming it Trevor and giving it a pair of sneakers. Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Next you're going to tell us that Kamala likes a night cap before breakfast (Think I'll take two)

So yet another tale from the new book Original Sin. Apparently Joe Biden's campaign staff staged a fake town hall closed to the press with an audience of loyal supporters and a comfy chair for Joe that repelled stains. But apparently Biden was so incoherent the footage was as unusable as an ejector's seat on a helicopter. 

And so like Joe Biden's soul, the town hall never saw the light of day. It's the latest story from the tell all on Joe’s decline written by people who helped bury it like a cat turd in a litter box. But of course the media is acting like they're the dupes. 

This week the Washington Post editorial board actually published this headline quote "If Biden was too frail for his job voters should have been informed." Wow, if only there were a publication of some type that could execute that function. 

I mean they act like during the entire Biden presidency they were working at Papa John’s.  I don't know who's on that board but they should be grateful their families didn't pull the plug during their five-year coma. 

Talk about lazy journalists. They must rotate their editors to prevent bed sores. Here's a quote from the article. “It now seems Biden might have lacked the stamina and cognitive capacity the job demands and that his family and closest aids concealed this from the public. 

Their decision to put personal loyalties ahead of their duty to the country must be reckoned with.” Well thanks a lot Columbo. Next you're going to tell us that Kamala likes a night cap before breakfast. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The best part about the defense shield he says the Klingons will pay for it (and now will only say it at home)

Sarah Silverman said she regrets using the n-word in her old comedy specials and now will only say it at home. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump has unveiled plans for a Golden Dome missile defense shield that could cost tens of billions of dollars. The best part about the defense shield he says the Klingons will pay for it. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And to honor Trump’s military service, he won’t be there (pink smoke means it’s a girl!)

The Vatican’s conclave to elect a new pope is set to begin on Wednesday. So just remember, black smoke means no decision, white smoke means a new pope and pink smoke means it’s a girl! —Seth Meyers

There are reports that the US army is planning a parade to honor its 250th anniversary as well as Trump’s 79th birthday, including military vehicles, aircraft and nearly 7,000 soldiers. And to honor Trump’s military service, he won’t be there. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that one time was when Biden endorsed Gavin Newsom (looking for some place to have brunch)

Gavin Newsom claims he only noticed Joe Biden's cognitive decline once during the four years Biden was in office and that one time was when Biden endorsed Gavin Newsom. —Greg Gutfeld

Yesterday at the International Space Station the fifth all female spacewalk took place. Their first mission, spend 6 hours looking for some place to have brunch. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's Not Wrong (they’re planning to open a second checkout lane)

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”