The Definition of Sin (Honey, you can stop packing)

September 2011

"We have a pumpkin shortage in the United States. Thanks a lot, Obama." –David Letterman

"The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees." –David Letterman

"They had another of those Republican debates. The field seems a little anemic. President Obama was watching with his wife, and halfway through he said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"That 6-ton satellite should come down Saturday. Well, Sunday if there’s construction on the FDR. It's plummeting back to Earth faster than Michele Bachmann’s campaign." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

@Poetry #JohnHulse #CollectedPoems #repealreplacerepublicans

 

Danger! Electricity, but maybe you’ll get superpowers, get in here you wuss! (Purple Heartless)

“As of Wednesday, the United States, with only 4% of the world’s population, had the most diagnosed cases of coronavirus in the world and the highest number of fatalities. But Donald Trump sees the sunny side of his abject failure, telling reporters earlier this week that he saw the number of cases as ‘a badge of honor’. I believe that badge is called the ‘Purple Heartless’. —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, reports have tracked the conflict brewing between the Trump administration and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), an agency usually known as a beacon for public health. You know, a pandemic is not the best time to be feuding with that particular agency. You never saw FDR pick a fight with the Center for Defeating Nazis.” —Stephen Colbert

“CDC officials have claimed that they’ve been ‘muzzled’ by the administration, particularly over its guidelines for how to reopen safely, which the administration ignored because they were ‘overly specific’. Based on those original guidelines, none of the places reopening currently qualify. So instead, this week, the CDC released watered-down criteria, because if you can’t meet the safety guidelines, just change them! Same way a sign that says ‘Danger! Electricity, do not enter,’ is a buzzkill, so you change it to ‘Danger! Electricity, but maybe you’ll get superpowers, get in here you wuss!’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

at least that's what he's yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers (The Harlem Flu)

Reports suggest that in large cities like New York, coronavirus is disproportionately impacting African-American communities and I really wish there was a way to warn black people about this, without also telling white people about this. Because once Trump starts calling this the Harlem flu, we ain't never going to get a cure. —Michael Che

Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus, but there's still a chance he could be contagious, at least that's what he's yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers. —Michael Che

A male panda at a zoo in Hong Kong has for the first time mated with his female companion of ten years, after she finally agreed to get implants. —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’m the blackest of all time! (his quitting video doesn’t look like he’s quitting)

“That’s right — Cory Booker has announced that he is officially quitting the Democratic presidential race. And, look, you can quit however you want, but I do think it’s weird that his quitting video doesn’t look like he’s quitting. He’s out there with crowds, shaking hands — and everyone does this. My opinion is if you’re going to drop out of the race, your video should look like you dropped out of the race. It should just be you sitting alone on a park bench, or cleaning out your desk. I want it to look depressing!” —Trevor Noah

[Imitating Booker] “We need to stand together, work together, rise together, sit back down together, and quit alone!” —Stephen Colbert

“But, yeah, whatever happens in November, America will not be electing a black president. And you know, Obama must be secretly happy about this. Yeah, he’s probably in Martha's Vineyard like, ‘Ah, that’s right. Ah, first and last, [expletive]! I’m the blackest of all time!’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This time I promise. Really. (I heard that on Fox News)

"Rumors are that there is a secret tunnel being built under the White House. I think he Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? "Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really." –Jay Leno

"It looks like we're heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don’t steal from a f*cking charity, a**hole (training sessions)

“The Trump family has a long history of being assholes, but lately, you could say that they’ve been stretching the limits of how big an asshole a person can be. Starting with President Trump himself, who apparently has nothing better to do than pick fights with children. Especially his twitter attack on 16 year old climate activist Greta Thunberg. Come on, man, the president of the United States is on Twitter, bullying a teenage girl. Just try to imagine any other president doing something like this. Imagine FDR doing a fireside chat where he just goes in on Shirley Temple – ‘My fellow Americans, this little girl can’t dance for shit!’” --Trevor Noah

“In other asshole news, reports emerged recently that Donald Trump Jr went to Mongolia this summer and killed an endangered sheep with a laser-sight gun. “What kind of asshole wants to kill an endangered species? Like, most of us don’t even want to take the last nacho out of the bowl and Don Jr is out here putting panda bears in chokeholds.” --Trevor Noah

“It’s obviously not great karma for Little Bo Creep to be killing off a species, so you would think maybe the Trumps could make things up to the universe with their family charity. Except this family is so cartoonishly villainous, they even do charity like assholes. In a recent New York court ruling, ordered Trump to pay back $2m he stole from his charity for campaign purposes and a $20k painting of himself for his resort. The court also ordered Ivanka, Eric, and Donald Jr to attend a training session on how to not misuse charity funds. His New York State Guide to Avoiding Charity Abuse offered straightforward advice: Don’t steal from a fucking charity, asshole.” --Trevor Noah

“Donald Trump is also reportedly surprised that it’s the Ukraine scandal that’s led to impeachment. Yeah, me too. After all the shady deals he’s been involved in over the years, he gets tripped up by a phone call? Trump getting impeached for Ukraine is like Paul Newman winning an Oscar for The Color of Money – he definitely deserves it but it should have happened way before this.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Because nothing says leader of the free world like... (They called me a socialist too)

"Political experts are saying NBC should take 'Celebrity Apprentice' off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says 'leader of the free world' like someone who can't stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey." –Conan O'Brien 

"A meeting between Justin Bieber and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has been canceled. No word yet on how this will affect the meeting between Selena Gomez and Hezbollah." –Conan O'Brien 

"'Hustler' publisher Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents. The highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield and the first 125 chapters on Clinton." –Conan O'Brien

"It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as 'not African-Americans.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hello, is anyone out there? Are you receiving this message? (he’s gonna be in prison by Tuesday)

Well, you know what, the thing is, the human voice really reverberates from inside a tanning bed.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is a man who holds press conferences in front of a running helicopter, so I think you can hear him over a phone receiver. And if his best defense against impeachment is ‘I’m not loud,’ he’s gonna be in prison by Tuesday.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Maybe because you’ve been watching phone calls. Try listening to them. [Imitating Trump] ‘No matter how wide I open my eyes, I couldn’t hear a thing. I might need glasses.’” --Stephen Colbert

“That’s just how old people talk into phones. They think every phone is like a ham radio during World War II: ‘Hello, is anyone out there? Are you receiving this message?’” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

we told everyone Tina Fey was coming (National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People)

"According to reports, Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien

"On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the 'National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: FDR’s Letter To Corporate Democrats Will Blow Your Mind

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Have I shown you our psych ward? ($20,000 one-time late fee)

“Former Vice President Joe Biden apologized this weekend after misspeaking at an event and saying, quote, ‘Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids,’ adding, ‘Sorry, that came out gay.’” --Seth Meyers

“Man, Trump going back to El Paso when he owes the city half a million dollars is a bold move. They’re going to have to put the boot on Air Force One.” --Seth Meyers

“Trump owed El Paso an initial fee of about $470,000, but the city tacked on a $20,000 one-time late fee in June. And of course Donald Trump has incurred a late fee. That’s so him. I’m surprised his Oval Office desk isn’t covered in unreturned Blockbuster DVDs.” --Seth Meyers

“A local television station released video today showing President Trump bragging about the crowd size at his rallies while talking to medical staff treating victims of the El Paso shootings. Said one doctor, ‘That’s very interesting. Have I shown you our psych ward?’” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents (he's considered our 27th and 28th presidents)

David Letterman's Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents

10. William Howard Taft was so fat, he's considered our 27th and 28th presidents

9. Teddy Roosevelt answered the phone, 'Hellosevelt?'

8. The K in James K. Polk stood for Kanye

7. Like the cartoon cat, James A. Garfield loved lasagna and hated Mondays

6. To conserve energy when possible, Jimmy Carter would travel via pogo stick

5. During one of his fireside chats, FDR accidentally burned down the map room

4. John Tyler was the only president to work his way up from the mailroom

3. Zachary Taylor's vice president was a cocker spaniel named Angus

2. Our only unmarried president, James Buchanan was fond of posing as his own first lady

1. George W. Bush was not born in the United States

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore (That's 23 with the wind chill)

"Things are not going well with the Bush administration.  George Bush's approval rating is now 34 percent. 34. Unbelievable. That's 23 with the wind chill." --David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans' First Day In Charge Of The House"

10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop crying."

9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"

8. "I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book."

7. "Beer me!"

6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"

5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose" 4. "When is vacation?"

3. "No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore."

2. "When do we get to sleep with the pages?"

1. "How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I created the Middle Class. You're Welcome. (the book was way better than the presidency)

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"George W. Bush was signing copies of his new memoir 'Decision Points' at a Borders Bookstore yesterday. Did you hear about that? Yeah, when he saw the bookstore, he was like, 'I heard about these places, but I never believed they were real.' I'm not even wearing special glasses. This is great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

"JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I created the Middle Class. You're Welcome! (a criminal record will be provided for you)

Trump is filling dozens of positions on his communications team. And they are interviewing candidates as we speak. The campaign does say that it doesn’t want anyone with a criminal record. Once you start working for them, a criminal record will be provided for you. --Stephen Colbert

A job on Trump’s re-election campaign can’t be easy. It’s like being a mall Santa. Remember, it’s only temporary, it’s completely degrading, and you are constantly getting demands from a child. --Stephen Colbert

Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. where he thanked religious leaders for their support and then offered them some words of reassurance. Trump, “I will never let you down. I can say that, never.” And then Stormy Daniels said, “Too late.” --James Corden

When Trump said, “I will never let you down,” what you didn’t see in that video is that Trump is speaking directly to a stack of blueberry pancakes. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I would never talk to any of my wives like that (they sent us four spies, plus a Cuban pitcher)

"BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that's spewing from there. And if it works, they're going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson." –Craig Ferguson

"The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon

"Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, 'Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If you know anything about the big spy swap here in New York City, there were 10 spies and they were running around New York City stealing secrets. They arranged a big spy swap. It was very exciting. We sent them 10 spies, and they sent us four spies, plus a Cuban pitcher." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Red Flags: The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit? (A conservative is...)

"And people everywhere are pointing fingers about security. They're saying, 'Well, you know, you should have done this and you should have done that and you should have done this.' And I'm telling you, this terrorist paid cash for his ticket for a flight to Detroit. Now you tell me — what is the bigger red flag in this economy? The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit?" –David Letterman

"Oh, how about this? Rush Limbaugh, there's a big boy. He was also in the hospital. He said he had chest pains and I thought, oh he is just trying to get some of those painkillers. That's what he is doing." –David Letterman

"But here's how it works. Here's the official line of succession in control of the Republican Party. If Rush Limbaugh is disabled in any way, then control of the party is passed to Glenn Beck. That's the line of succession." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”   

President Bush wasn't allowed to see any movie rated PG-13 (really shocking stuff)

"Hey, you guys, it's Friday the 13th. A lot of people are superstitious about the number 13. President Franklin Roosevelt refused to travel on the 13th of every month, would never host 13 guests at a dinner party, either. And President Bush wasn't allowed to see any movie rated PG-13." –Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, excerpts from Sarah Palin's new book are starting to leak out to the internet. There's some really shocking stuff in there, complete sentences, proper grammar, really shocking stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, Liz Cheney hinted that her father, Dick, might run for president in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief — and that just from the Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

to which former President Bush said, 'You're welcome! (freestyle waterboarding)

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"According to a new study out of the University of Michigan, during this bad economy, people's health is actually better than it was before. Isn't that amazing? When times are bad economically, people stay in better health, to which former President Bush said, 'You're welcome!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama announced a plan to spend $5 billion on science and cutting-edge medical research, or, as Fox calls that, 'socialism.'" --Jay Leno

"No, actually, experts say this $5 billion project of President Obama's could lead to the development of dozens of life-saving medical treatments that your insurance company could one day turn you down for." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Where do they come up with this stuff? (she could see the money from her house)

"You know what's exciting about this time of year, ladies and gentlemen? The new fall television season, huh? Yeah! Right here on CBS, premiere of a brand new show, highly anticipated show called 'The Good Wife.' You know what it's about? It's about the wife of a politician who cheats on her. Where do they come up with this stuff?" --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Dick Cheney had back surgery. It's from carrying Bush for eight years." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was paid $300,000 to go over there and speak in Hong Kong. Apparently she could see the money from her house." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”