NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Minnesota Wild

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don't Look, Don't Aim (the lesser of 2 dangers)

"Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama wants to put an end to the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military not to be confused with Dick Cheney's policy, 'Don't Look, Don't Aim.'" --David Letterman

“People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don't know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.” –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I found there was, within me, an invincible love (If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince)

“These are the five stages of coronavirus. First, you have denial: ‘I’m not going to get the coronavirus. Only old people, Chinese people, and people on cruise ships get that.’ Second, anger: ‘Why isn’t there any toilet paper at Target? Is everybody nuts?’ Then bargaining: ‘All right, there’s no Purell. Maybe I’ll make my own hand sanitizer with Jergens and vodka.’ But next comes depression: ‘I can’t believe they canceled Coachella. I’m not gonna get to see Carly Rae Jepsen for a year now!’ And finally, acceptance, which is ‘Hey, you know what? If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday ABC News hosted the eighth Republican debate and the big moment was in the beginning, when Ben Carson didn't come out because he couldn't hear his name when he was introduced. It's OK, Ben, we know you're not supposed to wake a sleepwalker. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason (population control experts)

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words." --Conan O'Brien

In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo-Nazis as "history buffs." Then he referred to serial killers as "population control experts." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels (chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

Before taking questions from reporters today, President Trump brushed dandruff off French President Emmanuel Macron's shoulder, and said, "We have to make him perfect." Then Macron returned the favor by putting a bag over Trump's head. --Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that 86% of Americans said that it’s important that the president be loyal to their spouse. Said Melania, “No, seriously, I’m good.” --Seth Meyers

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh spit, you’ve gotta be trucking lidding me (It’s Maybelline)

December 2021

“Donald Trump’s former chief of staff Mark Meadows, recounts how the former president tested positive for Covid three days before his first debate with Joe Biden in September 2020. Meadows, a self-described devout Christian who doesn’t swear, writes in his book that Trump’s response to the positive test rhymed with, ‘Oh spit, you’ve gotta be trucking lidding me.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Meadows, of course, happy to undermine democracy, but he won’t swear, which explains the title of his book: I’m a Ducking Piece of Zit With My Nose Up Rump’s Grasshole.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meadows claims that Trump subsequently tested negative and continued on as usual, while the chief of staff instructed everyone in the president’s immediate circle to treat him as if he were positive. So no touching him, no getting close to him, avoid him unless absolutely necessary – a strategy the CDC calls ‘The Melania.’” —Stephen Colbert

“So why did Meadows let the debate go forward? According to him, Trump simply looked better by debate day – ‘his face, for the most part at least, had regained its usual light bronze hue.’ Light bronze hue – maybe he’s healthier, maybe it’s Maybelline. It’s Maybelline.” —Stephen Colbert

“You can’t go wrong when you bet on the former president lying. It’s just one of those certainties in life — and him not paying taxes.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look who's come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine (the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets)

October 2013

"The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets." –Conan O'Brien

"They're still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can't use the Internet and you can't use the phone. And now fax machines are like, 'Look who's come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The country's unemployment rate went down to 7.2 percent last month, after 148,000 jobs were added. Of course all those people were hired to fix the Obamacare website." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nothing really changes and you never had a voice (drowned in bulls**t)

August 2012

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

"First the good news: Louisiana, knee-deep in water, but this time, the levees held from the big hurricane. That’s good. However, Tampa, Florida this week nearly drowned in bulls**t." –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan made a speech the other night, even a columnist for Fox News said it set a world record for the greatest number of lies in a single speech. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Game on.'" –Bill Maher

"Fox News's coverage of the Republican convention got beat in their ratings by 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.' That's not a good comment on America. One is a view of the world as seen through the eyes of a redneck child, and the other is 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the wall would help – to protect them from us (If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince)

“The White House says they have everything under control, which must be why they delayed the release of a report from the director of national intelligence that says the United States is not prepared to handle a pandemic. One possible reason why we might not be prepared is back in 2018, Trump fired the entire US pandemic response team to save money. But don’t worry, he has a plan. On Tuesday morning, Trump commented ‘we need the wall more than ever’ on a retweet of someone who argued The Wall could save America from coronavirus. There are more than 1,000 confirmed coronavirus cases in America and fewer than 10 in Mexico. So, he’s right, the wall would help – to protect them from us.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“These are the five stages of coronavirus. First, you have denial: ‘I’m not going to get the coronavirus. Only old people, Chinese people, and people on cruise ships get that.’ Second, anger: ‘Why isn’t there any toilet paper at Target? Is everybody nuts?’ Then bargaining: ‘All right, there’s no Purell. Maybe I’ll make my own hand sanitizer with Jergens and vodka.’ But next comes depression: ‘I can’t believe they canceled Coachella. I’m not gonna get to see Carly Rae Jepsen for a year now!’ And finally, acceptance, which is ‘Hey, you know what? If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

you always want to pick the city with the steepest hills (these are from your staff)

People got to use a new technology when the ride-sharing service Uber introduced their self-driving cars to the city of San Francisco. Yeah, because when looking for a place to roll out an experimental driverless car, you always want to pick the city with the steepest hills. –James Corden

Google released their list of the most-searched phrases of 2016. The top-trending search terms were Powerball, Prince, Hurricane Matthew, and Pokémon Go. I think that sums up our priorities as Americans: money, celebrities, the weather, and playing games on our phones. –Jimmy Kimmel

Which is a big deal because this might be one of our last years (World’s Best Grandma)

Time’s Person of the Year is quite an honor, unless you are named in the year when Zika broke out; the Earth was the hottest it has ever been; Muhammad Ali, Prince, and David Bowie died; Syria exploded; Brexit happened; and oh, Donald Trump was elected president. Congratulations! You are the face of the worst year ever. –James Corden

Time magazine has named their Person of the Year. It’s none other than President-elect Donald Trump. He is the Person of the Year. Which is a big deal because this might be one of our last years. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump won in spite of losing in Time’s online poll to Hillary Clinton. Can she win anything? Really, Hillary’s now just hoping to win a mug that says “World’s Best Grandma.” –Jimmy Kimmel