he'll be the meat in many sandwiches (And by it, he means bullets)

After Trump deployed the National Guard to DC, Chuck Schumer says that Republicans who are scared to walk outside are full of it. And by it, he means bullets. —Greg Gutfeld

A DC man has been charged with felony assault after hitting a federal agent with a Subway sandwich. The agent is fine, but the accused is heading to jail where he'll be the meat in many sandwiches. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat (Eat out of this trough, you pig!)

Betty Webb, one of the last surviving World War II codebreakers, has died at the age of 101. Webb first deciphered Nazi communications after Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat. —Colin Jost

Subway has partnered with Doritos to offer new Footlong Nachos. But I don't love the slogan — "Eat out of this trough, you pig!” —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Transfer all power from life support to the main thrusters (purposefully distorted)

Well, this week, we learned our entire national security team has the texting skills of my Aunt Janet. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, seen here indicating how many days since his last drink, sent detailed attack plans for an airstrike in Yemen to a text chain that accidentally included the editor of The Atlantic magazine. Of all people to accidentally add to the chat, it was the editor of The Atlantic. That's like if you were planning a surprise quinceañera and you cc'd Jared from Subway. —Colin Jost

Colorado officials have removed a portrait of President Trump from the state capitol after Trump complained that it didn't look good, calling it "purposefully distorted.” In the artist's defense, Trump did pose for the portrait with a hamburger inside his mouth. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day! (nobody’s calling HIM a genius)

A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, “Eww! He’s TOUCHING the handrail!” –Jimmy Fallon

And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt “used” by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, “Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!” –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton is out promoting her new book, and in an interview this week, she said that if she’d won the election, she would’ve been seen as a “genius.” I don’t know about that, cuz Trump DID win the election, and . . . nobody’s calling HIM a genius. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa (I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car)

January 2023

“Well, guys, everyone is talking about this — early this morning, all flights across the U.S. were grounded due to a failure with the FAA's computer system. Yeah. Zero flights took off, but somehow everyone's luggage still ended up in Pittsburgh. That's right. No flights took off. It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It's never fun being stuck in an airport. Families headed to Disney told their kids the luggage carousel was the "It's a Small World" ride. They're like, ‘Just calm down and sit next to the Tumi bag. I'll take your picture.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“While the cost of other food has declined in recent months, the price of eggs still remain extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? I heard that Subway might be sold for more than $10 billion. Yeah, the sale could be done in a few months or a little longer if they want their Subway toasted.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that’s what the M.T.A. gets for hiring the same guy who did the cameras in Jeffrey Epstein’s cell (super soaker technology)

April 2022

“And there is some good news: The Brooklyn subway shooting suspect has been arrested. That’s nice. That’s fast. The suspect’s name is Frank R. James. Authorities know this because a credit card with Mr. James’s name on it had been found at the scene of the shooting, as had a key to a van Mr. James had rented. He also left a cheek swab, a filled-out tax return and his SoulCycle emergency contact. Very generous of him.” —Stephen Colbert

“One of the unusual facts about this shooter is that he is 62 years old, which means technically he wasn’t on the run — he was on the mall walk.” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s fortunate that James left behind plenty of evidence, because none of the station’s security cameras were in full operation at the time of the shooting. Well, that’s what the M.T.A. gets for hiring the same guy who did the cameras in Jeffrey Epstein’s cell.” —Stephen Colbert

“It does explain the new subway safety posters: ‘If you see something, that’s cool — we didn’t.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Let’s not get hung up on the details. The important thing is that those cameras cost New York taxpayers $800,000 each. Don’t forget that — that is all that matters.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. (So ladies, he's officially single. Run!)

"Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!" –Seth Meyers

"The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…" –Seth Meyers

President Trump this morning on Twitter nicknamed former President Obama for the first time, and called him “Cheatin’ Obama.” Cheatin’ Obama? That’s a pretty lame nickname. You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. --Seth Meyers

Subway has begun posting calorie counts on the menu boards at its 27,000 stores nationwide. And Chipotle is posting a body count. –Seth Meyers

"Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ (Unfortunately at Subway)

March 2021

During an interview on Fox News Donald Trump lied about the January 6th capital riots saying that his supporters were not attacking officers, but were instead hugging and kissing police. But I’m not surprised that Donald Trump can’t tell the difference between kissing an assault. —Colin Jost

Tuesday was National Puppy Day. Unfortunately at Subway. —Colin Jost

Pepsi announced a new Peep’s flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, ‘Jesus Christ.’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the president calls him Melania (Preventable Apocalypse Now)

“I love the idea that he’s watching late-night television to see if we make jokes about him. Jared, in case you are, here are a few I think you’ll like. Jared Kushner is so dead inside, the president calls him Melania. Jared Kushner looks like if white privilege had a baby with raw cookie dough. Jared Kushner looks like a Pez dispenser of ‘Young Sheldon.’ Even Jared from Subway is like, ‘This Jared gives me the creeps.’” — Jimmy Kimmel

“[imitating Jared Kushner] Yes, it’s a great story. More people dying under this administration in 100 days than died in 20 years of the Vietnam War. That’s a story that needs to be told. Perhaps in the blockbuster movie, ‘Preventable Apocalypse Now.’” — Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is the second-worst thing that has ever happened to us (Oh, you misunderstood. I said peasants)

It was reported recently that Prince Harry will opt out of the royal family's annual pheasant shoot due to his wife Meghan Markle's love of animals. Said Queen Elizabeth, "Oh, you misunderstood. We're shooting peasants." --Jimmy Fallon

According to a new estimate, Chick-fil-A is on track to replace Subway as the third-largest fast-food chain in the country next year. Said Subway, "This is the worst thing that -- This is the second-worst thing......that has ever happened to us." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”