husbands and boyfriends were already gone (penalty kicks)

President Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (You're not invited)

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the season premiere of “Game of Thrones.” No spoilers! But HBO’s streaming site crashed during the episode. That’s how crazy this show has gotten: They are killing off websites now. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Best I can do is a cop or a warmonger (Moneybags McPantsuit)

Last night President Trump returned home from his trip to Finland. Trump walked into the White House and immediately texted Putin that he got home safe. --Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (And if you don't know who to root for...)

July 2014

"Today, our show got nominated for six Emmy Awards! And if we win for best show, I promised to give the Emmy to my parents. And if we win for best writing, I promised to give the Emmy to Rob Ford. He wrote half our monologues." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don't know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is, coincidentally, what you’d have to pay me to go to Tampa (Nah, the game needs me)

March 2022

“So with this move, Tom Brady has officially, officially, officially confirmed himself as the greatest of all time, because you see, this move right here is what all the greatest do — they retire, and they come right back. Yeah, Michael Jordan did it. Jay-Z did it. And the greatest of all time, Jesus. Yeah, that guy retired from life for three days before he was like, ‘Nah, the game needs me.’” —Trevor Noah

“Also some people are just not made for the retired life, especially Tom Brady. Think about it: For 22 years, he’s had men the size of little trucks trying to tackle him. That’s adrenaline. Yeah, can you imagine how boring his home life is right now. Even hiring his own commentators probably didn’t help.” —Trevor Noah

“Of course, my dear friend Tom Brady’s not just returning for the love of the game. He’s also set to make $25 million next season, which is, coincidentally, what you’d have to pay me to go to Tampa.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong (I dunno. Ask Beyonce)

July 2013

"Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, 'What's it like being the most powerful person in the world?' And Obama was like, 'I dunno. Ask Beyonce.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there's one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it's hire people on Craigslist." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong." –Jay Leno 

"According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you're taking it in brownie form." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even his guilty pleasures are boring (Bootylicious)

September 2012

"Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He's looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was on 'Live With Kelly and Michael.' At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is attending a fundraiser in New York hosted by Jay-Z and Beyonce. Michelle is hoping Beyonce will sing 'All the Single Ladies,' while Obama is worried Biden will get up and sing 'Bootylicious.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, 'Look at that – another job lost under President Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama (Biggie Deficit)

April 2012

"Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 than he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." –Jay Leno

"In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump 2020: I’m too pretty for jail! (You lost too. It just hasn't hit you yet)

Stephen Colbert as Robert Mueller: “And since I cannot talk about anything the public is interested in, I also will not be addressing the behavior of Luke P. on ‘The Bachelorette,’ the new collaboration between Jay-Z and Meek Mill, and I defer any questions about Jane as Thor to Nick Fury and my colleagues at S.H.I.E.L.D.” --Stephen Colbert

“Well, I think Trump has a new campaign slogan: ‘Trump 2020: I’m too pretty for jail!’” --Stephen Colbert

“I’m not sure the guy polling below 1 percent should be talking about math right now.” --Stephen Colbert, on Delaney debating Sanders on health care

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This, according to a white woman on the phone with police (now partnering with heroin)

Former first lady Michelle Obama attended a Beyoncé and Jay-Z concert yesterday where she danced in the front row with Beyoncé’s mother. This, according to a white woman on the phone with police. --Seth Meyers

Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now partnering with heroin. --Seth Meyers

The website Vice has published a new article profiling items found in the New York's subway systems Lost and Found. The most common thing lost on the subway? An hour and a half. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the least popular member of the U.S. Senate (Who's Eric?)

I hope you had a good Father’s Day weekend. The president spent his Father’s Day weekend the same way he does every year. He opens a card and says, "Who's Eric?" --Jimmy Kimmel

After two weeks of talking about it, on Saturday I was in Houston to play Texas Sen. Ted Cruz in what we call the Blobfish Basketball Classic. And just like a blobfish, the game was sloppy and within moments we were gasping for air. We played one on one. It took almost an hour to get to six points. Which would be a lot if this was a World Cup soccer game. But it was not. --Jimmy Kimmel

When we agreed to play to 11, I didn't realize that meant 11 o'clock. It went on forever. The game was very rough. There was nothing but fouls the whole game long. I have bruises all over my body. He kept poking me with his hoofs. The game went on so long by the time it was over Jay-Z and Beyoncé had written and produced an entire new album. --Jimmy Kimmel

It's been a dream of mine ever since I was a little boy to play basketball one day against the least popular member of the U.S. Senate. That dream finally came true this weekend. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I love you so much and can't imagine life without you (K)

This week Trump said that two of the most incredible days of his life were spent in China – mainly because it was the closest he'll ever get to seeing a great wall. --Jimmy Fallon

Today is Beyoncé and Jay-Z's 10th wedding anniversary. Wow. Jay-Z told Beyoncé, "I love you so much and can't imagine life without you." And Beyoncé replied, "'K." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

I'm Keeping an Eye on Him tour (thanks for watching, Mr. President)

The Trump administration is about to unveil its Middle East peace plan. It involves giving everyone guns. --Conan O’Brien

In an interview, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos says she’s not unqualified for the job, just "misunderstood." The actual word she used was "misunderstoodinated." --Conan O’Brien

Fox News is about to debut its new tagline. Instead of "fair and balanced," they're going with “thanks for watching, Mr. President.” --Conan O’Brien

Beyoncé announced that she is going on tour this summer with Jay-Z. It’s the "I'm Keeping an Eye on Him" tour. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

the credit for lower black unemployment ironically goes to an unemployed black guy (he’s been training for this really for his whole life)

Jay-Z didn’t win any of the eight Grammys he was nominated for last night, but he did get a tweet from the president. Jay-Z was on “The Van Jones Show” Saturday night on CNN and I guess Trump didn’t like what he had to say, because he tweeted, “Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies black unemployment has just been reported to be at the lowest rate ever recorded.” I don’t know what policy he’s talking about. He didn’t even get a piece of major legislation passed until December, and black unemployment has been going down in pretty much a straight line since 2010. In other words, the credit for lower black unemployment ironically goes to an unemployed black guy. --Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Hillary lost to Bruno Mars despite beating him by 3 million votes (88% are up for re-election)

Hillary Clinton was on last night’s Grammys. Did you see that? Yeah, Hillary lost to Bruno Mars despite beating him by 3 million votes. --Conan O’Brien

Yesterday after the Grammys, Jay-Z got into a Twitter feud with President Trump. Jay-Z and President Trump in a Twitter feud. It turns out the most powerful man in the world doesn’t like President Trump. --Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, President Trump revealed that he tweets in bed. When asked if this were true, Melania said, “How the hell would I know?” --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Keep in mind, I am a proctologist (massive 910 carat diamond)

Miners in Africa have found a massive 910 carat diamond worth tens of millions of dollars. The diamond will go to either a museum or to Beyoncé the next time Jay-Z cheats on her. --Conan O’Brien

President Trump’s doctor predicted that the president will live a long life. As a result, the doctor is now treating Melania Trump for depression. --Conan O’Brien

President Trump had a physical today. After Trump’s exam, his doctor said he found “no cognitive or mental issues whatsoever.” But the doctor did say, “Keep in mind, I am a proctologist.” --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Dr. Strangelove starring Hillary Clinton (Russian Doomsday Machine)

A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes ... it was still $598 million. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump is running a fundraising contest where the winner gets to have dinner with him. James Comey was like, “Trust me, that is not a good prize. Don’t do it.” –Jimmy Fallon

People figured out Beyoncé and Jay-Z had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, Light Blue and Bright Pink are also the names they’re considering for the babies. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

Thank you, Jay Z. Give my best to your wife, Oprah.

Former Republican candidate Herman Cain said that one of the biggest lies about Donald Trump is that he is a racist. Then Trump was like, "Thank you, Jay Z. Give my best to your wife, Oprah." –Jimmy Fallon

One of Trump's big supporters, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, is having a rough week. Lawyers working on the Bridgegate investigation claim that Christie destroyed evidence connecting him to the scandal, including a cellphone. Christie said he had no idea where the cellphone was, then his stomach started ringing. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian appears nude on the current cover of "GQ," with the headline "Kim as you've never seen her." Which I can only assume means in a library? –Jimmy Fallon

Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University (15 seconds of smiling)

It's being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary told her assistant to break out the champagne. And he said, "Actually you drank it all when Trump secured his nomination. Do you remember that?" –Jimmy Fallon

Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the "textbook definition" of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University. –Jimmy Fallon

Kylie Jenner recently posted a Snapchat video of herself giving two little boys $100 for just two cups of lemonade. Nobody has paid that much for lemonade since Jay Z. –Jimmy Fallon

people that will be in Donald Trump's cabinet if he gets elected

I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out. –Jimmy Fallon

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

Syfy just revealed a poster for the next "Sharknado" movie that will air in July, and it will feature Dog the Bounty Hunter, Wayne Newton, Dr. Drew and Motley Crue singer Vince Neil. Which will also be the same people that will be in Donald Trump's cabinet if he gets elected. –Jimmy Fallon