Did someone accidentally load the ‘Heated Rivalry’ books into your teleprompter? (Check out the dump truck on this guy)

“During his rally last night in Ohio, President Trump discussed Jon Husted, Republican senator’s, physique again and said, ‘I started by looking at his [expletive] and it was strong as hell.’ Oh, my God, you’re still doing the [expletive] stuff? Did someone accidentally load the ‘Heated Rivalry’ books into your teleprompter?” — Seth Meyers

“The G.O.P. is still struggling to find a campaign message beyond ‘Check out the dump truck on this guy.’” — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This could not be permitted (He just wanted to see if he was a power bottom)

“Actually, last night at a different rally in Texas, Trump once again brought up how much time he has been spending studying Ohio senator Jon Husted’s butt. ‘Studying.’ Now I’m picturing Trump sitting up at night with flash cards of butts. He’s like, ‘[imitating Trump] OK, Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian. Jon Husted.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, earlier tonight, Trump held another rally in Ohio to campaign for Jon Husted. It was a great rally. Trump spent an hour pretending to drop things so Husted would have to pick them up.” — Jimmy Fallon

“See, stop making it weird, media. He studied his [expletive] to see where the power came from. It’s not gay. He just wanted to see if he was a power bottom. Move on!” — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was like the last supper if everyone there believed they were the son of God (they did misspell United States)

President Trump met with tech leaders on Tuesday, with Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos among the attendees who signed a voluntary agreement to adopt A.I. safety policies. “They’re really going to be policing each other,” Mr. Trump said on Tuesday afternoon outside the White House. It was like the last supper if everyone there believed they were the son of God. —Jordan Klepper 

“Sure, we don’t need laws! I’m sure we could trust these guys.” —Jordan Klepper

“I’m not saying that this self-policing document they signed is [expletive] that they barely bothered to read, but I will say they did misspell ‘United States.’” — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have very low self-esteem (deviled eggs)

With Anthony Fauci facing a Senate hearing this week. Trump has claimed that Joe Biden called him to tell him he was no good. This is obviously a lie because if you called Joe Biden, you’d still be on the phone right now. —Seth Meyers 

Senator Rand Paul released more than 1,000 pages from Dr. Anthony S. Fauci’s Covid-era diary as part of a Senate investigation into the former top government scientist’s role in the pandemic response on Wednesday. The entries highlighted Fauci’s astonishment at his newfound fame in 2020. Are we supposed to be surprised that Fauci wrote about being called sexier than Tyra Banks? If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks, I’d write that in my diary. You know what, I’d write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks. I might even write about being compared favorably to a Bank of America. I have very low self-esteem. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met (I said he was good with numbers)

Senator Lindsey Graham’s memorial services began in Washington on Tuesday, with President Trump appearing as one of the speakers. Come on, Donny! You guys spent so much time together. Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met. Maybe just say something nice about your old friend? Instead, President Trump told anecdotes about his quarrel with Graham in 2016 and shared his personal cellphone number with the millions of people that happened to be watching that particular day as I made a speech. OK, interesting choice. I might have chosen a moment that highlights Lindsey’s character, but I guess the time he got 10,000 calls from guys named ‘Mike Rotch’ and ‘Hugh Jass’ is also equally good. — Jordan Klepper

I can’t believe I have to say this to Donald Trump, but can you just lie to us? It’s a memorial; you can paint a rosier picture. I didn’t go to my Uncle Lou’s funeral and tell everyone he was the Zodiac Killer — I said he was good with numbers, you know? — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Show some respect for the office (it makes it very hard to delay anything)

When Trump last visited Michigan in January, a heckler called him a “pedophile protector” during his visit and once again, during a speech, he was called the same thing. Show some respect for the office. That’s President Pedophile Protector. —Jordan Klepper 

This week has also seen a report showing that the beleaguered Taylor Farms tried to delay an FDA recall announcement after it was alleged the recent explosive diarrhea outbreak originated there. If I understand correctly, cyclospora makes it very hard to delay anything. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you think reading the Epstein Files has affected your personality? (Father of the year over here!)

“Howard (Lutnick), look man, I don’t think I could be more disappointed.” Except Lutnick then went on to say, as a defense, that he also brought his wife and four children and nannies along with him. Said a stunned Klepper: 

“‘I went to Epstein Island but don’t worry, I brought my kids’ isn’t the excuse you think it is. Good God, man.” According to Lutnick, the family “had lunch on the island, that is true. For an hour, then we left, with all of my children.” “Father of the year over here!” 

Klepper joked. “Just to be clear: Howard Lutnick went from ‘I never saw that gross man again’ to ‘OK, I did visit his island’ to ‘Hey, back off, I left with all my kids, OK? I counted them. I’m the good guy here!’” — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Captain, raise the sails and set a course for P*dophile Island! (You couldn’t have tried making a PB&J just once?)

And on the Daily Show, Jordan Klepper also mocked Lutnick’s about-face on visiting Epstein, after saying multiple times on a podcast that he was “gross”. “There’s no way that seven years after saying he would never see Epstein again that he visited him on his private island!” Klepper said facetiously, before replaying Lutnick’s testimony that he only visited Epstein Island for lunch. 

“Was eating with a sex criminal your only option for lunch, Howard?” Klepper mocked. “You couldn’t have tried making a PB&J just once? “And the fact that you went there on a boat makes it so much worse,” he added. “I mean, if you ran into him at a Potbelly’s and he said ‘sit down,’ I would understand. But you actively navigated a ship toward the man. You’re out there shouting: ‘Captain, raise the sails and set a course for Pedophile Island!’ — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump would high-five him so hard it would break both their hands (It will be the first time Trump has ever paid a construction worker on time)

During a particularly contentious back-and-forth, the Democratic senator Tim Kaine pressed Hegseth over his alleged marital affairs. “You’re asking why Pete Hegseth didn’t tell Trump about how many times he cheated on his wife? Maybe because if he did, Trump would high-five him so hard it would break both their hands.”  —Jordan Klepper                                       

The Village People are set to perform at Trump’s inaugural eve ball. It will be the first time Trump has ever paid a construction worker on time. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That’s the second time this summer that the Secret Service has failed to protect Trump from a lethal attack (That’s enough TV. I’m going to go exercise and read a book)

At the DNC convention Donald Trump was ridiculed non-stop. Yeah, yeah, that was brutal. That’s the second time this summer that the Secret Service has failed to protect Trump from a lethal attack. — Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

“That was the first time Trump was like, ‘That’s enough TV; I’m going to go exercise and read a book.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

On the plus side, everyone around him was already distancing (we were afraid of our fruit)

In typical fashion, Donald Trump also promised: “We were a great nation, and we will soon be a great nation again.”Oh yes, I remember four years ago, in 2020, everyone was free to stay at home for months Lysol-ing their banana – if you know what I mean. And I mean: we were afraid of our fruit. —Stephen Colbert

“President Biden tested positive yesterday for Covid-19. On the plus side, everyone around him was already distancing.” — Seth Meyers

“Biden has Covid, which is no joke for a man of his age, especially because this is an unusual strain where the brain fog hits you three weeks ago.” — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, I wish that Biden could channel the youth and vigor of Nancy Pelosi (American Exceptionalism)

On Wednesday, Representative Nancy Pelosi, the former House speaker, responded to questions about whether the president should continue to seek re-election by saying that she would support President Biden, “whatever he decides.” Keep in mind, Biden has said about 50 times that he’s staying in the race. He’s like, ‘I’m not going anywhere. The Lord almighty couldn’t get me out of this race,’ and Pelosi’s going, ‘Yup, great, just let us know when you decide. Clock’s ticking — tick-tock.’ — Jordan Klepper

“By the way, it probably doesn’t help that as she was speaking, I kept thinking, ‘Man, I wish that Biden could channel the youth and vigor of Nancy Pelosi.’” — Jordan Klepper 

“You know things are crazy when an 84-year-old Nancy Pelosi is telling an 81-year-old Joe Biden to retire.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie (high-fives)

Project 2025, is a 900-page document from a rightwing thinktank that has been described as “basically conservative fan fiction, which could very well become fan reality”. It’s full of terrifying proposals that range from burning more fossil fuels to outlawing pornography. Which is bad news for people who like to masturbate and horrible news for people who like to masturbate to our flourishing coral reefs. — Desi Lydic

The proposal is supported by a number of Trump’s top aides, but apparently it’s getting a little too controversial for Trump now, because he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie. — Desi Lydic

The former president posted on Truth Social: “I know nothing about Project 2025. I have no idea who is behind it. I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. Anything they do, I wish them luck, but I have nothing to do with them.” Really? You expect us to believe Donald Trump didn’t read a 900-page … OK, now that I’m saying that, I hear it. This is textbook Trump. He hides his dog whistles next to some plausible deniability. Every tweet is like a Cheesecake Factory menu, you know? There’s something for everybody. And he doesn’t mind if it’s full of contradictions. He hasn’t read Project 2025, but he likes parts of it. He has no idea who’s behind it, but he hired most of them. He thinks it’s abysmal, but he wishes them luck. He has one hand in his pocket, and the other one is giving a high-five. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the worst part is that Ted Cruz sang it sexy like Marilyn Monroe (puppy dog eyes)

President Biden landed in Italy on Wednesday for the G7 Summit, his second trip to Europe in a week. He went to France last week, now he’s off to Italy. Biden’s like your friend who is somehow posting pics from Europe all summer. Usually when an 81-year-old does that much traveling through Europe, it’s on a Viking river cruise. — Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is in the process of picking a vice-presidential candidate. One candidate who isn’t in the running is Kristi Noem, who made headlines recently when she admitted killing her dog. She tried her best. She even gave Trump puppy dog eyes – literally, she sent him a box of puppy dog eyes. —Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump returned to Capitol Hill on Thursday, his first visit there since the Jan. 6 riot. House Republicans sang an early “Happy Birthday” for the former president, who turned 78 on Friday. And the worst part is that Ted Cruz sang it sexy like Marilyn Monroe. — Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money? (Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job)

On Tuesday, David Pecker, the former publisher of the National Enquirer, testified that to help Trump in the 2016 election, he would buy scandalous stories about him and bury them. And what a great job he did. I can’t think of a single Trump scandal. —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

Attorneys representing former President Donald Trump argued that he did not violate his gag order during Tuesday’s hearing in his criminal trial. This guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes. Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money? —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

On his way out of the courthouse, Trump stopped to tell reporters how uncomfortably cold it is in the room and how very unhappy he is to be there. Eight hours a day, four days a week — it’s literally torture. Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job. —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, calm down. How about we just vote on it? (How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?)

On Tuesday, former President Donald Trump released a video on Truth Social, plugging his “God Bless the USA Bible” for $60. How does that thing not burst into flames immediately? — Jordan Klepper

“If we step back and look at this, Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing: God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a three-month prison sentence for lying under oath.” — Jordan Klepper

“I like how they made the Bible the exact color of his skin. Yeah, that’s interesting. Corinthian — Corinthian leather.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re calling this the most expensive penis overcompensation in American history (it’s gonna happen a bunch more times)

April 2023

“And to the haters who said Elon Musk couldn’t possibly destroy something faster than Twitter, joke’s on you.” —Jordan Klepper

“They’re calling this the most expensive penis overcompensation in American history.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“That disassembly cost SpaceX $3 billion, which, you could defame four different voting machine companies for that much money.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has posted several Truth Social videos about what a good time he had when he got arrested. That’s good because it’s gonna happen a bunch more times.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This week saw legacy blue ticks removed from certain Twitter accounts, including those of the pope and Oprah while strangely O.J. Simpson has kept his. I guess you don’t wanna make him mad.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What did you do during the war on drugs dad? (they’re going to have to put down Sean Hannity)

April 2023

“I am glad that there is some accountability here. But still, I am pretty disappointed we are not going to get a trial, because all the Fox anchors would have been forced to testify. It would have been like the ‘Seinfeld’ finale, but instead of soup Nazis, it’s just Nazis.” —Jordan Klepper

“Since Fox is going to have to pay nearly a billion dollars, they’ll need to implement cost-cutting measures. Sadly, they have to fire Brian Kilmeade’s reading tutor, Jeanine Pirro has to switch to the cheap box of wine, development on a third Doocy has been halted. They’re going to have to switch from Jesse Watters to tap waters. And of course, they’re going to have to put down Sean Hannity.” —Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

in his defense, the law is complicated, and he is only a Supreme Court justice (Game of Thrones cosplay character)

April 2023

“Last week, we learned that Clarence Thomas had secretly accepted luxury trips from right-wing billionaire Harlan Crow. And that’s his actual name, not his ‘Game of Thrones’ cosplay character.” —Jordan Klepper

“On top of that, Clarence Thomas’s mom is still living in that house rent-free, and Harlan Crow is paying for thousands of dollars of renovations. All of which Clarence Thomas should have disclosed by law — although, in his defense, the law is complicated, and he is only a Supreme Court justice.” —Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”