And it turns out… he's beautiful (48 oysters)

A man in Tennessee survived after a stray bullet came through his windshield and only knocked off his glasses. And it turns out… he's beautiful. —Colin Jost

A woman complained online about a date in which a man snuck out of the restaurant and stuck her with the bill after watching her eat 48 oysters. And like you, I was completely on her side until the words "48 oysters.” —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old (all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding)

In a tweet this morning, President Trump called Confederate statues “beautiful.” People were shocked because it’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old. –Conan O’Brien

"Yesterday, Dick Cheney said his lesbian daughter Mary has convinced him to support gay marriage. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah. Cheney made the announcement after Mary was spotted waterboarding him." --Conan O'Brien

Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Baltimore liberals force pigeons from their homes (Party of Patriots)

"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien

Last night, the city of Baltimore removed four statues of Confederate heroes. Or, as Fox News reported it, "Baltimore liberals force pigeons from their homes." –Conan O’Brien

Bill Cosby has hired a woman to be his lead attorney. She says she doesn’t know how she got the job, she just woke up and there it was. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people (a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen)

Congrats to the Kansas City Royals, who beat the Mets to win their first World Series in 30 years. Since the Royals won, they'll get to meet President Obama. And since the Mets blew an early lead and lost, they'll get to meet Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

"In his first year in office, President Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other president in history. Bush only traveled to 11, but most of those were just different parts from the 'It's a Small World' ride." –Jimmy Fallon

Guys, today is the first day of November, the turkeys were like, anyone else have a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen? --Jimmy Fallon

"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those flamingoes are clearly doing coke in there (because nothing projects ‘winner’ like a Confederate soldier in Pennsylvania)

September 2022

“Our hearts go out to the people of Florida right now after Hurricane Ian barreled into the state with record winds, rainfall and a storm surge of 18 feet. But there was still humor to be found. At one botanical garden in St Petersburg, a bunch of flamingoes huddled in the public bathroom to ride out the storm. Really? They all just went to the bathroom at the same time? Those flamingoes are clearly doing coke in there.” —Stephen Colbert 

“And some Floridians have even found catfish in their front yards. To make matters worse, they were nowhere near as hot as their profile picture.” —Stephen Colbert 

“We checked on the governor’s race in Pennsylvania, where Republican nominee and Trump devotee Doug Mastriano is struggling in the polls, in part because, according to political scientists, he suuuuucks. Among the ways: Mastriano attended the January 6th riot at the Capitol, has associations with Christian nationalists, proposed charging women who violated an abortion ban with murder, is connected to a social media site run by a known antisemite, and was photographed wearing a Confederate uniform. Because historically, nothing projects ‘winner’ like a Confederate soldier in Pennsylvania.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

US just finished Dead Last among 46 countries in media trust (After all we've been through together?)

Ben from Ben & Jerry's has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "After all we've been through together?" –Conan O’Brien

This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name. –Conan O’Brien

In a tweet this morning, President Trump called Confederate statues “beautiful.” People were shocked because it’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for (that's only $22 a day)

"Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt, let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now they are saying that Eliot Spitzer may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that's only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates (action star endorsements)

"Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when John McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates." --Jay Leno

"It's just getting worse for him. In the New York Post today, a former madam said that Eliot Spitzer would pay to watch other couples have sex. He would pay to watch other couples have sex. Well, that's something we don't have to worry about the new governor doing. We will finally be safe there." --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed all these action stars are now endorsing candidates? Like Mike Huckabee has Chuck Norris; Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger came out for John McCain; and today, Hillary Clinton picked up Janet Reno." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, a signaling war, just like in that famous movie: Semaphoring Private Ryan (honk the national anthem)

February 2022

“Russia has claimed that they are withdrawing some of its 150,000 troops from the border of Ukraine. Nato promptly disputed that claim, and if you’re feeling confused, that’s on purpose. Because according to the experts, the US and Russia are waging a signaling war to avert an actual war. Yes, a signaling war, just like in that famous movie: Semaphoring Private Ryan.” —Stephen Colbert

“In other Russia news, one of its elite figure skaters, 15-year-old Kamila Valieva, tested positive for a banned substance before the Winter Olympics in Beijing. Fifteen-year-olds on drugs should not be in the Olympics. They should be on Euphoria. Facing international outrage, Valieva claimed the drug got in her system via a mix-up with her grandfather’s heart medication. Yes, come on, you know how it goes! You’re in the kitchen and all of a sudden you trip and fall on to your grandpa’s day-of-the-week pill case. Now all of a sudden you’re skating around high on a cocktail of Centrum, Lipitor and Viagra.” —Stephen Colbert

“Because she is 15, Valieva is protected from certain sanctions, allowing her to still compete in the individual figure skating competition. They didn’t have a choice! If they didn’t allow her to skate, Putin would’ve just rolled her out there on a tank.” —Stephen Colbert

“On Thursday, Valieva faltered in her free skate program, dashing her hopes for a medal. But if she had finished in the top three, no medal ceremony would have been held for the event. They’ll just ship the medals out to whoever won them later, because every athlete trains their entire life for that magic moment when they can stand at attention on their stoop waiting for the UPS guy. Maybe ask the driver to honk the national anthem.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey! What’s that word mean? (What really bothers them...)

January 2022

During a senate committee hearing Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic calling senator Roger Marshall a moron. Replied Marshall, ‘Hey! What’s that word mean?’ —Colin Jost

Delta Airlines said that this winter’s Covid surge cost them more than $400 in cancelled flights after 8,000 employees caught the coronavirus. Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees, because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open. —Colin Jost

Well, just like everyone else, President Biden’s New Year’s resolution feel apart in the third week in January. The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the voting rights bill got blocked and his approval rating is so low it has gone into power save mode. But I will point out that there was another president who had a disastrous start to his first term, yet he became an inspiration to generations of republicans even to this day. I’m talking, of course, about Jefferson Davis. President of the confederacy, and there are still statues of him in ten states. Which, come to think of it, probably explain why the voting rights stuff isn’t working out. The bottom line is, I think Biden just needs more time. He might be more of an acquired taste. And unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

When I was president, we spent money on porn stars, not gasoline! (a chicken-loving old man who reminds you of the Confederacy)

May 2021

“Donald Trump posted a rambling message on his website ahead of the holiday weekend on Thursday evening which read, ‘I’m sorry to say the gas prices that you will be confronted with are far higher than they were just a short number of months ago,’ referring to the season-high number of travelers on Memorial Day weekend. The former president also ranted, without facts, about America’s energy production – ‘Wasn’t it great to be energy independent, but we are energy independent no more. Shame, shame, shame’ – and admonished Americans to ‘remember as you’re watching the meter tick, and your dollars pile up, how great of a job Donald Trump did as president.’ He’s just a crazy old man shouting at pigeons now. He seems to have forgotten that the reason gas prices were low was because we had no place to go, we had nowhere to drive. There was a terrible virus killing our grandparents – ‘When I was president, we spent money on porn stars, not gasoline!’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“With spikes in the number of weekend travelers for the holiday, the TSA has warned to expect long lines at the airport. It had been so long since mass travel, that I was even excited for security checks. When that wand touches my inner thigh, I’m going to look that agent right in the eye and say, ‘I missed you too, big guy, I really did.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden has been president for four months, which means it’s time to start talking about the 2024 presidential election. The frontrunner for the GOP, so much as there is one, remains the former president, who reportedly intends to run again ‘so long as he still has a good bill of health’, according to Politico. What? That’s crazy! In 2024, he’ll be 78 years old, which is exactly how old Joe Biden is right now. But according to Politico, Republicans officials are hoping to replicate Trump’s appeal in a candidate without the baggage of two impeachments, a Capitol riot he stoked, groundless challenges to his election loss and the big lie of voter fraud. But those are all his secret ingredients. That’s like taking away the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices – with both guys, all you’d have left is a chicken-loving old man who reminds you of the Confederacy.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh yeah, this is why we stopped doing these (Sorry for your sex-trafficking arrest)

July 2020

“Later on, Trump had everyone sign a Hallmark sympathy card for Ghislaine Maxwell that said, ‘Sorry for your sex-trafficking arrest.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“So, OK, if you’re keeping score at home, if you’re accused of spray-painting a statue of a Confederate soldier, you’re human scum who should be billy-clubbed in the trachea, but if you’re accused of recruiting middle schoolers to be sexually assaulted by millionaires, you get a greeting card.” —Stephen Colbert

“Right after he wished Ghislaine Maxwell well, Trump’s staff was like, ‘Oh yeah, this is why we stopped doing these.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“OK, so just to recap: Colin Kaepernick, son of a [expletive]; accused child sex trafficker, ‘I wish her well.’” —Trevor Noah

“This is the one time when nobody would have been upset if Trump had used one of his trademark insults. ‘Low I.Q. individual,’ ‘horse face,’ ‘hater and loser,’ ‘psycho,’ ‘lock her up’ — anything. Instead, this is the time that Trump chooses to suddenly become a feminist? [as Trump] ‘She broke the glass ceiling of sex trafficking — you’ve got to respect that.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

When I over-water one of my plants the economy stays open and Americans can still travel to Canada (Get some help)

July 2020

“The Chris Wallace interview is further evidence that we have a pudding-brained informercial salesman who’s more interested in what happens to a dead Confederate general than a living middle school teacher. Trump is trying to convince that statues and graffiti are more important than a pandemic that’s caused massive suffering. As for Trump’s boast about his cognitive test, I don’t know what’s more alarming: that Trump even had to take this test in the first place, or how proud he is with how he did. It’s possible this is the first test he ever passed that he took himself. He probably paid an MIT student to come with him but then when he saw how easy it was, sent him home.” —Seth Meyers

“When asked yesterday about his statements that downplay the severity of the coronavirus, President Trump said, quote, ‘I guess everybody makes mistakes.’ Yeah, but there are mistakes, and then there are mistakes. When I over-water one of my plants the economy stays open and Americans can still travel to Canada.” —Seth Meyers

“Some experts called it a fiasco, while others called it a debacle. I’m not saying it was bad, but by the end of it, Kanye was calling for Trump to get some help.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

two things right there that Trump absolutely hates (they should have asked him to identify his second daughter)

July 2020

“Chris Wallace did two things right there that Trump absolutely hates: He proved him wrong, and he made him do homework.” —Trevor Noah

“Wow, guys, this is sort of making me sad right now, because Trump is trying so hard to claim he’s a genius because he passed a test where you have to identify an elephant. Which, let’s be honest, even for Trump, is too easy. I mean, if they wanted to test Trump, they shouldn’t have asked him to identify an elephant — they should have asked him to identify his second daughter.” —Trevor Noah

“There’s a giant middle ground between naming bases after Confederate generals and naming them after Al Sharpton. I mean, America has had lots of non-Confederate generals. And Trump should know that — he’s fired a lot of them.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

two beautiful world wars/masterclass/giving the rich bigger meals

July 2020

“There were several disturbing clips from Trump’s White House interview with Chris Wallace, ‘the only reporter at Fox News who isn’t trying to become the next press secretary’, in what was pretty much a masterclass in how not to let Trump get away with his usual bullshit. 

For example, at one point, Trump claimed the Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden wants to defund the police as a campaign platform, though there’s no evidence for that; when pressed by Wallace to show him the language in Biden’s platform, Trump sputters. 

Oh man, I don’t care how many times I watch it: it is priceless seeing Trump flail around, trying to find a fact that he made up. Later, when asked about renaming military bases named after Confederate generals – a bipartisan effort in Congress – Trump attempted to deflect with the bases’ roles in America’s ‘two beautiful world wars’. 

OK, I’m sorry, what? Two ‘beautiful’ world wars? This dude really can objectify anything. That is such a dumb thing to say that they didn’t even think to put it on the cognitive test.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

you are welcome to live with her and her new boyfriend (That’s an achievement)

July 2020

“The most visible and widespread Twitter breach in the company’s history happened yesterday. Twitter on a normal day is Trump’s longest-serving press secretary, and a place where people can share ideas with each other while also getting yelled at by neo-Nazis. But Wednesday was not normal, as unidentified hackers infiltrated the accounts of some of the platform’s most popular users … except Donald Trump. Twitter released a statement confirming the president’s account was not hacked, but how would they know? I mean, this is the same guy who tweets about beans, Iran and the Confederacy in the span of 10 minutes. He pre-hacks himself. The only way you’d know if a hack got Trump is if the spelling is correct.” —Trevor Noah

“Meanwhile, as his re-election campaign flails, Trump demoted his campaign manager, Brad Parscale, this week, though I doubt this would help his sagging poll numbers. If you ask me, this guy’s not the problem – he’s a scapegoat. Donald Trump’s campaign isn’t struggling because of his campaign manager. It’s struggling because Donald Trump is the candidate. So condolences to Brad Parscale, but you should be really proud of yourself, man. Because at this point, getting out of the Trump campaign without getting into prison? That’s an achievement.” —Trevor Noah

“It is almost worse that he is also still part of the campaign team. Think about that: staying on the team when you have been demoted. That’s like your wife leaving you but then saying you are welcome to live with her and her new boyfriend.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”