OK … who’s going to arrest Florida? (they made Joe Biden look young)

Wednesday marked the 80th anniversary of D-day, and Joe Biden was in Normandy to commemorate the occasion along with other world leaders and figures. As part of the occasion, the president met with over two dozen veterans who fought on D-day, the youngest of whom was 96. These vets did an incredible service to their nation: they made Joe Biden look young. —Stephen Colbert    

The Department of Justice is currently investigating several Democratic lawmakers and Biden’s son Hunter, for allegedly lying about not using drugs on a gun purchase form. Hold on a second, it’s against the law to buy guns while using drugs? OK … who’s going to arrest Florida? —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I feel a lot of contempt for that criminal (Get off my property)

October 2021

“The House was expected to vote on Thursday to hold Steve Bannon, the former chief strategist to Donald Trump, in criminal contempt for refusing to assist the congressional investigation into the 6 January insurrection. Hell yeah! Criminal contempt makes sense to me because I feel a lot of contempt for that criminal.” —Stephen Colbert

“The expected vote is big moment, because while 650 members of the pro-Trump mob have been arrested for storming the Capitol, this is the first time we’ve seen any accountability for one of the big fish. Or, in Bannon’s case, one of those weird, gelatinous fish that live in eternal darkness with spiky teeth and a lantern blob up here growing out their face.” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s going to feel great to see these consequences – when they happen, if they happen, at a date to be named later. There is a labyrinthine, toothless process ahead: the contempt question will first go to vote in the House, then certified by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, then sent to the Department of Justice for evaluation based on the facts and the law. The DoJ would then decide to bring the case to a grand jury, who would have to indict Bannon, at which point the case would go to trial in Washington. Pending conviction, Bannon could face a fine of $100 to $100,000 and one month to one year in jail, but he would not be forced to disclose any information about his role in the insurrection. In other words: justice!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Googling ‘Mushroom p*nis normal?’ (soften the blow)

October 2021

“Donald Trump really thought he could get away with throwing out the vote. He told people at the D.O.J., ‘You guys aren’t following the internet the way I do,’ which I assume means they aren’t Googling ‘Mushroom penis normal?’ over and over again.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Fortunately, lawyers at the Department of Justice threatened to resign en masse if he replaced the attorney general, who refused to do his dirty work, with one of his cronies, who presumably would. He’s such a Karen, isn’t he? ‘Let me speak to the attorney general! He won’t? Well, does he have a supervisor? Put him on the phone!’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, there was no acknowledgment of this attempted coup — and that’s what it was — from his fellow Republicans. Senator Chuck Grassley’s office this morning issued the G.O.P. version of the report, which says, and I quote: ‘Trump listened to his senior advisers and he followed their advice and recommendations,’ which is a nice way of saying he wanted to overthrow the government but the lawyers wouldn’t let him do it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? (What happened to those days?)

May 2013

"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno

"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice." –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, 'We'll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I do not appreciate the Mary Ann and Professor treatment here! (That's why we put things up your A**!)

June 2021

“Former President Donald Trump is denying reports that, in 2019, he asked advisers and lawyers what the Department of Justice and other federal institutions could do ‘to probe or mitigate Saturday Night Live, Jimmy Kimmel and other late-night comedy mischief-makers.’ I think that I should get a higher billing on Trump’s list of nuisances, my name should be in lights on the stadium where they’re executing us for our terrible impressions of him! Folks, this is dangerous, disturbing, un-American — and why do I get lumped in with ‘other comedy mischief-makers’? I don’t get it! What’s a guy gotta do? All due respect to my dear friend James Tiberius Kimmel, but if the D.O.J. thugs are kicking down doors to round up the late-night chuckleheads to drag us off to Mar-a-Gulago to be assassinated, I should get more than ‘and the rest.’ I do not appreciate the ‘Mary Ann and Professor’ treatment here!” — Stephen Colbert

“It’s strange. There has not been a presidential overreaction like this since Nixon sent Navy SEALs to assassinate the Smothers Brothers.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Uncle Sam isn't going to let banks screw people over (Bill Clinton Slept Here)

"The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses. The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there's anything I've learned, it's that Uncle Sam isn't going to let banks screw people over." –Craig Ferguson 

"Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One's full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry." –Craig Ferguson

"The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I'm talking to you, Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Friday he'll be on Rachel Ray making Clams Mogadishu (Problem Spots/Making an Example)

"How about those Somali pirates? So they bring one of the pirates to New York City so they can put him on trial. But he will also be doing some other stuff. Like, tomorrow, he's going to ring the opening bell at the stock exchange. Friday he'll be on 'Rachel Ray' making Clams Mogadishu, and he will be the starting pitcher for the Yankees. Monday, he'll be on the 'Today' show singing 'I Dream a Dream.' And Monday night, he'll be sleeping with Madonna. That's the full schedule." --David Letterman

"The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don't think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump is like a magician who wears short-sleeve shirts (Justice Department All Access Pass!)

President Trump suggested today that Russia will meddle in the upcoming midterm elections in favor of the Democrats because, quote, "They definitely don't want Trump." Then again, neither did we. --Seth Meyers

That's right. President Trump tweeted, "Based on the fact that no president has been tougher on Russia than me, they will be pushing very hard for the Democrats. They definitely don't want Trump." [Light laughter] Oh, my God. Does he really think he's fooling anyone? Trump is like a magician who wears short-sleeve shirts. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

When you're a dictator, he lets you do it (rubbing his nipples up against our enemies)

After Trump was asked to weigh in on Russia’s role as hack master in the 2016 election — something the FBI, the Justice Department, and even Trump’s own secretary of state say happened, without question — Trump finally had the chance to publicly castigate Putin for trying to disrupt our democracy. This is what our commander in chief chose to do: [clip of Trump] “My people came to me, Dan Coats and some others, they said they think it’s Russia. President Putin just said it’s not Russia. I will say this: I don’t see any reason why it would be.” Well, I guess that settles it! --Jimmy Kimmel

If you’re wondering whether Vladimir Putin has an incriminating video of Donald Trump, we now know beyond a treasonable doubt that he does. --Jimmy Kimmel

This wasn't a good day for Donald Trump. We haven't seen an American so owned by a Russian since “Rocky IV.” --Jimmy Kimmel

Today was maybe the strangest of all 542 bizarre days of Donald Trump's reign of error. The president's been to Europe, insulting our allies and rubbing his nipples up against our enemies. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

To prove it, he ate a Snickers bar while pulling out his chest hair (the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever did)

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno

"After three weeks of therapy and counseling, Reverend Ted Haggard announced he's now completely heterosexual. To prove it, he ate a Snickers bar while pulling out his chest hair." --Jay Leno

"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And when she heard that, Hillary Clinton punched a wall so hard the building collapsed (Eric and Don Jr. did it)

New York's attorney general today filed a lawsuit against President Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, and Ivanka Trump. Said President Trump, "I can explain. Eric and Don Jr. did it." --Seth Meyers

According to a report released by the Justice Department's internal watchdog, former FBI director James Comey used a personal Gmail account on numerous occasions to conduct FBI business. And when she heard that, Hillary Clinton punched a wall so hard the building collapsed. --Seth Meyers

A new study has found that people who run marathons have less arthritis than non-runners. Responded non-runners: "This. This is why no one wants to hang out with you." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.' (shave his head and enter rehab)

"Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai to avoid paying taxes in the United States. Isn't that crazy -- when did Halliburton start paying taxes?" --Jay Leno

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"This just in: Alberto Gonzales has announced he's going to move the Justice Department to Dubai." --Jay Leno

"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is coming under scrutiny for firing eight U.S. attorneys, apparently for political reasons at the request of the White House. Things are looking so bad for Gonzales that he might have to shave his head and enter rehab." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They said this is the first time in medical history that the patient had more blood on his hands than the surgeon (Sound Familiar?)

"Hillary Clinton announced that the vast right-wing conspiracy is back. Or, maybe she said, 'The vast right-wing conspiracy is Barack.'" --Jay Leno

"For St. Patrick's Day, all the presidential candidates get into it. Have you noticed that? John McCain had a green tie on, Hillary Clinton had a green scarf, Rudy Giuliani was wearing a green dress." --Bill Maher

"The White House keeps changing its story about who fired these U.S. attorneys. First it was the Justice Department, then it was Harriet Miers and the new e-mails released yesterday suggest it's Karl Rove's idea. Of course the problem with e-mails is you think you've erased them and then they're still there. Which is why President Bush writes all his memos on an Etch-a-Sketch." --Bill Maher

"Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense, was admitted to a Washington hospital yesterday for a heart procedure. They said this is the first time in medical history that the patient had more blood on his hands than the surgeon." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Let’s circle back in June (Make America Great Again)

President Trump tweeted yesterday, quote, “I hereby demand and will do so officially tomorrow that the Department of Justice look into whether or not the FBI/DOJ infiltrated or surveilled the Trump campaign for political purposes.” Only Trump could open with the words “I hereby demand” and still be so lazy as to add “but I’ll do it tomorrow.” --Seth Meyers

At this point, his hat should say “Make America Great Again, but not this week. This week’s bad for me. Let’s circle back in June.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

because there is nothing the administration can do that is not ironic (It makes the brain hurt)

"We begin tonight with news about the news. The fourth estate has had a rough ride of late, covering the stalemate over the war funding bill, the possible influence and peddling at the Department of Justice, some World Bank thingy. It makes the brain hurt. 

Well, help is on the way [on screen: reporters saying the D.C. madam story is fun to cover]. Oh yeah, sex scandal baby! Happy days are here. It's like we got our pre-9/11 boners back. The first casualty was Randall Tobias, a deputy secretary of state who resigned last week after admitting to using the escort service. 

Tobias had been running the Bush administration's Global AIDS Prevention program, which emphasized abstinence ... because there is nothing the administration can do that is not ironic." --Jon Stewart

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html