Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic (no force on earth can stop it)

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens (six of which Ozzy remembers)

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course I do — Superman, Wonder Woman and Ben Affleck (Batman's recurring nightmare)

Donald Trump went on Twitter today and mocked Ronda Rousey for losing her fight this past weekend. In response, T-Mobile's CEO said he'd pay to see Trump fight her in the ring — at which point, Trump started building a wall around himself. –Jimmy Fallon

Carrie Fisher claims in her upcoming book that she had an affair with Harrison Ford on the set of “Star Wars.” And Jabba the Hutt was like, “You said you don’t date coworkers. What’s the deal?” –Jimmy Fallon

Trump keeps tweeting that the Justice Department should investigate Hillary Clinton, instead of his ties to Russia. When asked if he knows who runs the Justice Department, he said, "Of course I do — Superman, Wonder Woman and Ben Affleck." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie (six of which Ozzy remembers)

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself (six of which Ozzy remembers)

"Today, New York City is host to a very famous tourist. I am talking about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadine-if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere-jad. He's here for the U.N.'s annual General Assembly, but the big controversy, of course, is his stop at a college campus. He was invited to speak at Columbia University as part of their new lecture series, 'Why I Should Not Be Invited To Speak At Columbia University.' I was not at the lecture, but the man is a powerful performer. You have not heard him deny the Holocaust until you've heard him deny it live. I'm glad that he's here because he makes me angry, and there's nothing I like more than wallowing in my own anger." --Stephen Colbert

A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself. –Stephen Colbert

"At the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying the Republican Party is 'dying at the box office.' And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made 'Jingle All The Way.'" --Stephen Colbert

"TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? President Bush, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population." --Stephen Colbert

 

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I pledge not to spill 4.9 million barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico (she accidentally called him dad)

October 2011

"Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza." –Conan O'Brien

"This morning on the 'Today' show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him 'dad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hulk Hogan says he no longer supports President Obama. Yeah. But the president's not worried because he has the support of the Iron Sheik and Triple H." –Conan O'Brien 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is he the coronavirus groundhog? (No one told me there were dragons in it!)

“And I know you, the American people, get it, but some of our elected officials are slow on the uptake. Republican governors in 11 states have still refused to issue stay-at-home orders. They’re defiant to the end, though some are coming around, such as Florida’s governor, Ron DeSantis, who finally ordered people home on Thursday, citing the president’s ‘demeanor the last couple days.’ So it wasn’t the data, or the scientists – it was Trump’s demeanor? How does that work? Is he the coronavirus groundhog?” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp, started taking things seriously because ‘we didn’t know until yesterday’ that asymptomatic people can spread the virus (it’s been widely known for months). You didn’t know that until yesterday? It’s all anyone’s been talking about since January! You’re like a guy saying: ‘You know, I finally started watching this Game of Thrones. No one told me there were dragons in it! This is a game-changer.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

On the bright side every night is ladies night (calling themselves Christians)

Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and it costs $7 to get in. On the bright side every night is ladies night. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

Ozzy Osbourne says he's not going to make any more episodes of his reality show The Osbournes because he doesn't like having cameras around all the time. Unfortunately nobody has the heart to tell Ozzy the show was canceled two years ago. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

This week an antique furniture store said that they are suing Michael Jackson. They claim he owes them two hundred thousand dollars. After hearing this Michael said I wouldn't shop at an antique store I hate anything older than twelve. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers

Donald Trump said that Hillary was nasty and mean to the women who slept with her husband. Trump's wives did not treat his mistresses like that at all. They had the courtesy to let him marry them. –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has been married three times. Attacking Hillary Clinton for having marital problems is like the pot calling the kettle black, or in Trump's case, calling the kettles "the blacks." By the way, the kettles love him. –Stephen Colbert

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert