There'd be no politicians left if you did that (You know hurricanes, they hate freedom)

 

"I think President Bush gets confused. He said progress is being made in New Orleans and he hopes one day New Orleans will be a democracy. You know hurricanes, they hate freedom." --Jay Leno

"A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, 'We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.' Well, of course not. There'd be no politicians left if you did that." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares (Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic)

Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert

Texas is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. And they will be for years. Meanwhile, another hurricane, Irma, is bearing down on Florida. It's the largest Atlantic hurricane ever reported. Experts say it's the size of France. Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only person who can control the weather is Beyoncé (Put your filthy little worker hands together for...)

Elon Musk made an appearance on stage at a Donald Trump rally in Pennsylvania this weekend. That’s gotta be a little confusing for Trump voters. [imitating Trump] ‘I’m fighting for the little guy, and you know how much I hate immigrants, so please welcome an immigrant who makes more money in one second than you’ll make in your entire worthless lives. Put your filthy little worker hands together for your South African oligarch god, Elon Musk!’ —Stephen Colbert  

And a sixth member of Eric Adams’s administration has resigned. Who’s even left at this point? At this rate, his communications director is just going to be a Times Square Dora. —Seth Meyers

There are weather conspiracy theories where people believe that the government can control the weather and is responsible for these hurricanes. . Listen, dummies, the government can’t control the weather. The only person who can control the weather is Beyoncé. —Jimmy Kimmel

“The polls say the election is a tossup. It might ultimately come down to which candidate can deliver a new R.V. to Clarence Thomas first.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We live in the time Einstein warned us about (swooped in after a huge disaster)

Vice President Kamala Harris traveled to North Carolina to survey damage from the hurricane, which is the second time this year she swooped in after a huge disaster. —Colin Jost

It was reported that Diddy once invited Prince Harry and Prince William to one of his parties, but they did not go. Although before Diddy could even finish writing the invite, Prince Andrew was there. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD (It’s Finger Losin’ Good!)

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in preparation for Hurricane Joaquin. And Donald Trump declared a state of emergency as soon as he heard the name “Joaquin.” –Seth Meyers

A processing company that supplies chicken to KFC was fined this week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. Which explains their new slogan, “It’s Finger Losin’ Good!” –Seth Meyers

A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God. You look amazing (That's from both of us)

According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh my God, Trump is going to run for president of North Korea (Though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew)

While touring hurricane damage in North Carolina today, President Trump reportedly congratulated a resident on having a stranger's boat wash up in his yard, saying, "At least you got a nice boat out of the deal." Dude, you don't get to just keep things that wash up on shore. Even though I'm assuming that's probably how you got Steve Bannon. --Seth Meyers

President Trump said during his address to the U.N. today that if North Korea continues working on its nuclear program, the U.S. will have "no choice but to totally destroy North Korea." Oh my God, Trump is going to run for president of North Korea. –Seth Meyers

A farmer in India is claiming that he’s made over $1 million in the last four years by selling bull semen. Though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares (Because millionaires write the tax law for billionaires)

A court on the island of Corsica just upheld a local ban on burkinis, which combine a burka with a bikini. Though I gotta say, I don't see much kini. It's mostly burk. But then again, well, look at those ankles! Hello! Those can't be natural. –Stephen Colbert

Defenders of the ban say burkinis promote the subjugation of women. So basically here’s their logic: “Excuse me, ma’am, your garment is part of a culture that oppresses women. So let’s lose that top.” –Stephen Colbert

As Donald Trump so sensitively mentioned, Texas is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. And they will be for years. Meanwhile, another hurricane, Irma, is bearing down on Florida. It's the largest Atlantic hurricane ever reported. Experts say it's the size of France. Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

President Bush is already stockpiling excuses (It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang)

 

"Delegates were captivated by Sarah Palin's speech; at one point while she was speaking, the room got so quiet, you could hear Larry Craig's toilet flush." --David Letterman

"June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses." --David Letterman

"The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang." –David Letterman

"Speaking of President Bush, right now he's in Cancun, Mexico. He's down there looking for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which coincidentally is also the title of Kid Rock's new album (Oh, my God. You look amazing)

The European Union today threatened to impose tariffs on

$20 billion worth of imported U.S. goods, including ketchup,

fish, and tractors, which coincidentally is also the title of Kid

Rock's new album. --Seth Meyers

According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look, the pinata is singing (yeah, that's our entire plan)

"In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson." –Conan O'Brien

"This week, footage surfaced of Senator Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy's head and said, 'Look, the pinata is singing.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can offer you some platitude word salad (Democrats like Bush, Republicans liking Kush)

During Trump’s rant about the media, he said, “What could be more fake than CBS and NBC and ABC and CNN?” I mean, yeah, what could be more fake? Just off the top of my head: Donald Trump's approval rating, his inauguration size, his concern for Puerto Rico, his concern for immigrants, his concern for hurricane victims, his golf handicap, his high IQ, his tan, his hair, him saying no one respects women more than him … and Fox News. –James Corden

Donald Trump tweeted about the hurricane in an odd way today. He wrote on Twitter, "Hurricane looks like the largest ever recorded in the Atlantic!" Who uses an exclamation point? How insecure is this guy that he even has to brag that his hurricanes are bigger than Obamas? I understand it in a way. In Trump's defense, it's rare that he sees a natural disaster bigger than his administration. –James Corden

Meanwhile in another poll, for the first time a majority of Republicans say they support the legalization of marijuana. What’s going on here? I don’t understand, I’m so confused. Democrats like Bush, Republicans liking Kush. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally today he said he had a plan. Unfortunately it's a faith-based plan that involves getting two of every animal onto a big boat (the innocent days)

"The president has vowed to personally lead the investigation into the government's failed response to Katrina? Isn't that a job perhaps someone else should be doing?" --Jon Stewart

"No, not at all, Jon. To truly find out what went wrong, it's important for an investigator to have a little distance from the situation. And it's hard to get any more distant from it than the president was last week." --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee

"Finally today convoys of troops and aid started to arrive along the Gulf Coast. Five days after the hurricane hit. Kind of makes you miss the innocent days when Bush only sat on his ass for seven minutes. It only took him four days to make a plan, but finally today he said he had a plan. Unfortunately it's a faith-based plan that involves getting two of every animal onto a big boat." -- Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent (Political Language Explained)

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush asked if his visit to the hurricane zone would count toward the service time he still owes the National Guard." -Jay Leno

"Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare -- an electric chair with no power." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not only is it absurd but it is the worst superpower ever (They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere)

"But wait. republican Todd Akin says the female body has ways of shutting this down? Not only is it absurd but it is the worst superpower ever." –Bill Maher

"Todd Akin is getting death threats. They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went birther today. He was in Michigan, where he was born, and he said, 'No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate.' Right, because you weren't born. You have a warranty card." –Bill Maher

"Actually Mitt Romney is worried sick about this hurricane. It could ruin everything. Not because of the convention. Because it's headed straight for the island where he keeps his money." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which will mean floods, hurricanes and late-night monologue jokes about pestilence (But did you die?)

Recently a new study on climate change predicted that at the current rate of greenhouse gas emissions temperatures will rise to unprecedented levels by 2047 and by then everyone will be completely fed up with being asked if it's hot enough for them. —Jimmy Dore 12/6/13

The study's researchers believe massive climate change is inevitable which will mean floods, hurricanes and late-night monologue jokes about pestilence. —Jimmy Dore 12/6/13

I have been listening to Richard Nixon’s Watergate tapes. His conversations from the spring of 1973 show a president so dispirited he barely had the strength to blame the Jews. —Jimmy Dore 9/26/13

As Americans we probably forgive more than we should. I mean we still give George Bush credit that 9/11 only happened once. —Jimmy Dore 4/22/13

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do (Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer)

"Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do." –Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both." -Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack (The co-pay is $47)

 

"President Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack." -Bill Maher

"Those two guys were up before the congressional Committee this week, which issued the report on Katrina, which lambasted the White House for wasting billions of dollars that was stolen, lost, we don't know where it is. Bush said history will call that a small price to pay if we wind up bringing democracy to Louisiana and it spreads to Mississippi and Florida." --Bill Maher

"This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn't say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs." -Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once (harmful if swallowed)

"$1.4 billion in hurricane relief was spent on booze, was spent on vacations, spent on hookers. Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once." --David Letterman

"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman

 

"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan" --David Letterman

 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings (yeah, that's our entire plan)

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm has agreed to help Joe Biden prepare for the debate by standing in and playing the role of Sarah Palin. That's true. See, up until now, the only Sarah Palin role playing has come at the request of Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”