his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk (The Hut)

“Speaking of Trump, The Washington Post suggests that his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk noting that Joe Biden kept his trim figure through a daily regimen of [expletive] his pants.” — Greg Gutfeld

“Pizza Hut has announced that they are shortening their name at least temporarily to ‘Hut.’ Meanwhile, Taco Bell is shortening its name to diarrhea.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have very low self-esteem (deviled eggs)

With Anthony Fauci facing a Senate hearing this week. Trump has claimed that Joe Biden called him to tell him he was no good. This is obviously a lie because if you called Joe Biden, you’d still be on the phone right now. —Seth Meyers 

Senator Rand Paul released more than 1,000 pages from Dr. Anthony S. Fauci’s Covid-era diary as part of a Senate investigation into the former top government scientist’s role in the pandemic response on Wednesday. The entries highlighted Fauci’s astonishment at his newfound fame in 2020. Are we supposed to be surprised that Fauci wrote about being called sexier than Tyra Banks? If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks, I’d write that in my diary. You know what, I’d write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks. I might even write about being compared favorably to a Bank of America. I have very low self-esteem. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, congratulations to six USC grads (Does this lamp look really high?)

A new medical study, I think this was just released very recently, found that frequent marijuana use slows down sperm. Scientists say the sperm is not only slower but when they reach the egg they just hang out and play video games. --Conan O’Brien 3/19/2004

In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100 billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six USC grads. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wonder when he's going to find out (Way ahead of you)

To avoid explosive diarrhea attacks, health officials are urging Americans to avoid salad. True Americans said, “Way ahead of you.” —Kat Timpf

Joe Biden is going on a book tour across the United States to promote his new book. Fascinating news. I wonder when he's going to find out. —Kat Timpf

Scientists say for the first time they have made a cell from scratch. And in 25 years that cell will multiply and grow into a girlfriend for Bill Belichick. —Kat Timpf

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have to say it’s a pretty quick read (Ze robot vill hug you now)

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.” --Seth Meyers

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf H*tler? (the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles)

Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles. –Conan O’Brien

Fourteen paintings by Adolf Hitler were sold at auction in Germany. After the auction the surprised buyer said, "Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave (the perfect date movie)

Doug Jones is the first Democrat to win an Alabama Senate seat in 25 years – so a quarter of a century. The last time Alabama elected a Democratic senator, the biggest movie was "Aladdin," or, as Roy Moore calls it, "the perfect date movie." –Stephen Colbert

“Scientists warn heat waves will be longer, more intense and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I only date bodybuilders (she switched out her torch with a bowling ball)

Kamala Harris released her annual Pride Month message and she plans on celebrating all month by not seeing straight. How's that any different? —Greg Gutfeld 

To celebrate Pride Month, the Empire State Building is illuminated in rainbow colors. Not to be outdone, the Statue of Liberty traded her robes for a nice flannel and switched out her torch with a bowling ball. —Greg Gutfeld 

Scientists are working on three different vaccines for Ebola as the virus rages in Africa. These medicines are no different than the COVID vaccine, which stops the disease from spreading by killing you with a heart attack. I don't know if that's true. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The greed of the 1% (It was so strong the country split open and candy spilled out)

So, police say a woman posed as a New York City high school student when she was actually 28 years old. Authorities almost missed it as most New York City high school students are 28 years old. But evidently teachers became suspicious when they didn't find her sexually attractive. —Greg Gutfeld

A powerful 5.7 magnitude earthquake struck Mexico. It was so strong the country split open and candy spilled out. —Greg Gutfeld

Actor Mark Hamill appeared in a Star Wars themed promo for Obama's presidential library. Makes sense. Neither Luke nor Barack knew their fathers. —Greg Gutfeld

Scientists have uncovered a 2,000-year-old computer. It was found with the skeleton of a man slapping it closed when a skeleton of his wife walked in. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm gonna stop you right there (So finally, some good news for Laker fans)

Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L." –Conan O’Brien

Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, "Well, then you’re all set." –Conan O’Brien

Some scientists say it’s theoretically possible that there may be a universe where time moves backwards. So finally, some good news for Laker fans. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess those brain surgeons weren't exactly rocket scientists (homemade weed pipes)

Some hospital workers in Kenya have been suspended after doctors performed brain surgery on the wrong patient. I guess those brain surgeons weren't exactly rocket scientists. --James Corden

A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a bold move that could change nothing (the beetle’s girlfriend)

Scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately, it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf — even though there was CLEARLY room on the leaf for both of them. --Jimmy Fallon

"Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know something is wrong when... (please stop comparing us to...)

Scientists say new artificial intelligence is finally decoding the secret language of whales. The whale's most common request. Greg, please stop comparing us to Joy Behar. —Greg Gutfeld

The New York Times is reporting that Jeffrey Epstein left a suicide note in his cell. Some questioned its authenticity, however, because it said, quote, "I can't live in a world without Hillary being president.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did someone say multiple shots? (settled science)

But true, the shooting took place at the DC Hilton, the same venue where Ronald Reagan was shot. So for the rescheduled event happening in a month, organizers will look for a venue with less chance of gunfire, like Beirut. —Greg Gutfeld

Witnesses at the event had reported multiple shots. "Did someone say multiple shots?" asked Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

Witnesses say they first heard a loud bang, but had simply assumed that Chris Christie just tried the chili. —Greg Gutfeld

Most in the media present at the event expressed shock over the incident, although CNN's Brian Stelter wondered why couldn't they have held the assassination attempt until after dessert. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

11 of America's smartest scientists have suddenly died or vanished (it's good to know Joe Biden will be in a better place)

So far, 11 of America's smartest scientists have suddenly died or vanished. No wonder Mika keeps telling everyone that Joe Scarborough’s a brilliant scientist. —Greg Gutfeld

Well, it appears women are getting boob jobs from injectable filler made from donated cadaver fats. Hey, it's good to know Joe Biden will be in a better place. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's in here. It's in our hearts (G-spot)

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, seen here demoting a Black general, said this week-- said this week that an airman told him the only thing they need in Iran is bigger bombs. Got ya covered. How about Kristi Noem's husband? —Michael Che

Scientists in Spain are saying that they have discovered the male G-spot. It's in here. It's in our hearts. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

five inches (Not in my house)

Today the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You can tell it was cold because the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches. --Jimmy Fallon

This is pretty cool. Scientists have built a 6'10" robot that can hit perfect three-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a 6'11" robot that can say, "Not in my house." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never mind how we found out! We just found out! (Willie Nelson just announced a bunch of new tour dates)

According to scientists in China, rabbits who eat feces grow healthier and stronger than those that do not. The study is titled, "Never mind how we found out! We just found out!" --Seth Meyers

According to Rolling Stone magazine, Oregon's legal marijuana supply is higher than the local demand, resulting in approximately 1.3 million pounds of surplus marijuana that can't legally be sold outside of the state. In other news, Willie Nelson just announced a bunch of new tour dates. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's not what it looks like (even if you don't eat the fried chicken, it will still find a way to kill you)

Police say a Texas man stabbed his roommate this weekend during a fight over a piece of fried chicken. So even if you don't eat the fried chicken, it will still find a way to kill you. –Seth Meyers

Mountain goats in Washington state are being airlifted out of Olympic National Park after their population developed a craving for human urine. Said the scientist who made the discovery, "It's not what it looks like." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank God I'm not a taxpayer! (Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges? Sad!)

Americans actually get to vote on which turkey Trump pardons, and I saw that the two finalists are named Peas and Carrots. When he heard they're both named after vegetables, Trump was like, "Forget it. They're both goners.” That's right. Americans can vote on which turkey gets pardoned. You can tell the turkeys want to drag it out as long as possible, 'cause today they asked if that vote could happen in Florida. --Jimmy Fallon

A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Congress is debating if President Trump should have the power to order a nuclear strike. I guess right now, it’s an even split between “No” and “Hell, no.” They have a good plan though. They’re gonna replace the red button on his desk with the one that orders office supplies from Staples. “Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges? Sad!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”