Well, why not make it zero hours, said Mitch McConnell (best use of stretch pants)

Finally, a strange woman was stopped by security after entering Kamala Harris's Malibu property. Turns out it was just Kamala, but no one had ever seen her sober. —Greg Gutfeld 

Bernie Sanders just introduced a bill to reduce the work week to 32 hours. Well, why not make it zero hours, said Mitch McConnell. —Greg Gutfeld

The 78th annual Emmy Awards are airing right now on NBC. And once again, The View who won for best use of stretch pants. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's been a rough month for Dr. Fauci (This is Gary Webb)

The commissioner of the WNBA said the league is having a meeting to review what a woman is. So far, they've disqualified anyone who can back out of the driveway without running into the mailbox. —Greg Gutfeld 

A team of divers recently discovered a 162 year old bottle of beer that experts claimed could be drinkable. Even more remarkable, they also discovered a box of wine that lasted 20 minutes in Kamala Harris's fridge. —Greg Gutfeld 

A Long Island stripper is suing a doctor who slapped her with a restraining order after she told his wife about their affair. Wow. It's been a rough month for Dr. Fauci. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the last time I hire anybody from Visiting Angels (Just food?)

Kamala Harris was asked to list the most effective presidents in American history, and she left out Joe Biden. After hearing this, Joe responded, “That's the last time I hire anybody from Visiting Angels.” —Greg Gutfeld 

The food stained dress Anne Hathaway wore in The Devil Wears Prada 2 is headed for auction. “Just food,” asked Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

86 push-ups underwater (mood rings)

A yoga teacher broke the world record by doing 86 push-ups underwater while holding his breath. Many people want to know his secret in case they ever enter a men's room after Jerry Nadler. —Greg Gutfeld 

Kamala Harris has moved into a rich community that has no diversity. In her defense, she pointed to a bottle of Johnny Walker Black. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (so it’s three pages)

On Wednesday, former President Joe Biden announced that he had written a new memoir about his time in office, “Promise Me, America,” which is set to be published on Nov. 17. It’s the second book Biden has written. The first was ‘The Odyssey.’ The book was written by a ghostwriter, Joe Biden. — Jimmy Fallon

“The book is about what Biden remembers from his presidency, so it’s three pages.” — Jimmy Fallon

“It’s kind of a strange book because toward the end it starts being written by Kamala Harris.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it (freestyle w*terboarding)

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not my job (Out of habit, he demanded to see his own birth certificate)

So over the weekend, President Trump turned 80 years old. Out of habit, he demanded to see his own birth certificate. —Greg Gutfeld

 

President Trump also announced that he took out the head of the Trenda Ragua cartel. And no one is more upset than Kamala Harris, who now has to look for a new running mate. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

12 bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade (One snag)

Vice President JD Vance has agreed to appear on The View. One snag, they can't find a Secret Service agent willing to pat down Whoopi Goldberg. —Greg Gutfeld 

Kamala Harris's appearance in a new Netflix documentary is creating a buzz that she'll run again. Also creating a buzz, Kamala's 12 bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In unrelated news, happy 300th birthday to Hillary Clinton (three tons of party ice)

Officials in Australia have seized 100,000 cockroaches from a breeder that are prized as food for reptiles. So now what am I supposed to eat? asked James Carville. —Greg Gutfeld

A half million dollars worth of bourbon was stolen from a Philadelphia warehouse. In a related story, Kamala Harris was just spotted buying three tons of party ice? —Greg Gutfeld 

A surprising medical study found that quote being a [ __ ] actually boosts a woman's immune system. In unrelated news, happy 300th birthday to Hillary Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's in first place with a 37% blood alcohol level (if you bring a Subway token, they'll let you play first base)

According to a recent poll, Kamala Harris is now favored to become the Democratic Party's 2028 presidential nominee. She's in first place with a 37% blood alcohol level. —Tom Shillue

A 35-year-old Australian man died after the third fatal shark attack in the same area this month. To stay safe, officials are reminding people to always swim with a fat buddy. —Tom Shillue

And finally, a New York Knicks ticket for game three of the NBA Finals is going for $51,000. Meanwhile, the New York Mets say if you bring a Subway token, they'll let you play first base. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I only date bodybuilders (she switched out her torch with a bowling ball)

Kamala Harris released her annual Pride Month message and she plans on celebrating all month by not seeing straight. How's that any different? —Greg Gutfeld 

To celebrate Pride Month, the Empire State Building is illuminated in rainbow colors. Not to be outdone, the Statue of Liberty traded her robes for a nice flannel and switched out her torch with a bowling ball. —Greg Gutfeld 

Scientists are working on three different vaccines for Ebola as the virus rages in Africa. These medicines are no different than the COVID vaccine, which stops the disease from spreading by killing you with a heart attack. I don't know if that's true. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, I'm glad I'm not Joe Biden (In her defense, she was trying to beat the icy grip of death)

So, in her new memoir, Jill Biden says that when Joe was in the White House, he watched Fox News. And he would often turn to her and say, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not Joe Biden.” —Greg Gutfeld

Dr. Jill also claims that Kamala Harris demanded Joe endorse her 20 minutes after he decided to step down. In her defense, she was trying to beat the icy grip of death. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, that never stopped Kamala Harris and Joe Biden (maggot sauce)

Millie Vanilli denies that they're playing at America's 250th celebration, mainly because one half of the duo is dead. Of course, that never stopped Kamala Harris and Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

Jerry Nadler visited an ICE detention center in Newark where he heard that there are maggots in the food, prompting him to call his assistant to bring him his maggot sauce. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How long does it take to conduct a sobriety test? (That's how the Sopranos ended)

So what was in the DNC Autopsy report? Well, it pretty much blamed Biden's allies for not supporting Kamala Harris enough before she took over and complains there wasn't enough research done to help her. Research? How long does it take to conduct a sobriety test? —Tom Shillue

There was nothing in the autopsy report about the Biden debate with Trump or Kamala not winning a primary. In other words, it's an autopsy without listing the cause of death. That's not an autopsy. That's how the Sopranos ended. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the tanning bed (You lost me at 2,000 pages)

Today over 2,000 pages of testimony were released about the 2016 meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and a Russian lawyer. The president heard and was like, "You lost me at 2,000 pages . . . and lost me again at Don Jr." --Jimmy Fallon

On Sunday, Trump sent a tweet that said, "If Iran wants to fight, it will be the official end of Iran. Never threaten the United States again." Yeah. And Iran was like, "Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the tanning bed." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And even worse, she didn't even get my good side (campaign autopsy)

Kamala Harris has reportedly told donors that she wants the DNC to release its autopsy of what went wrong in the 2024 campaign. Autopsy? Come on. Biden’s not dead. —Michael Che

A DoorDash driver in New York has been indicted on charges that she recorded a passed-out, naked customer and posted it on TikTok. And even worse, she didn't even get my good side. It's not a very good side. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out (Don't Do It, Man)

I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out. –Jimmy Fallon

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Our citizens should know the urgent facts (acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner)

So, we're hearing more about acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner and it's pretty inspirational stuff. Brian Stelter used his body to shield a crabcake. Chuck Schumer attempted to bore the gunman to death. Kamala Harris escorted the bartender to safety. Bill Clinton offered to pat down any suspicious interns. Mitch McConnell stayed hidden in his shell and Joe Biden played dead. —Tom Shillue

A California woman escaped being kidnapped by texting 911 from a gas station bathroom. People are calling her brave for using a gas station bathroom. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Did someone say multiple shots? (settled science)

But true, the shooting took place at the DC Hilton, the same venue where Ronald Reagan was shot. So for the rescheduled event happening in a month, organizers will look for a venue with less chance of gunfire, like Beirut. —Greg Gutfeld

Witnesses at the event had reported multiple shots. "Did someone say multiple shots?" asked Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

Witnesses say they first heard a loud bang, but had simply assumed that Chris Christie just tried the chili. —Greg Gutfeld

Most in the media present at the event expressed shock over the incident, although CNN's Brian Stelter wondered why couldn't they have held the assassination attempt until after dessert. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you want to know who the bad guys are (loose lips)

There are concerns that soldiers have leaked secret battle plans to strippers. Well, you know what they say, loose lips. —Greg Gutfeld

A bottle of wine from 1945 sold for a record-breaking $812,000. “Wait, wine comes in a bottle?,” asked Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”