Some of us are trying to host a show here (I’m a bad boy, mommy!)

Stormy Daniels testified for three hours and 45 minutes, and things got off to an awkward start after the bailiff swore her in on a rolled-up Forbes magazine. When she raised her right hand, Trump instinctively shouted ‘I’m a bad boy, mommy!’ —Jimmy Kimmel

Before her testimony, Judge Juan Merchan assured the court that Daniels wouldn’t include graphic details. Now, that’s where I need to object. Yes, we do need to know the details. Some of us are trying to host a show here. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower (It's a Small World)

"In his first year in office, President Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other president in history. Bush only traveled to 11, but most of those were just different parts from the 'It's a Small World' ride." –Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is that Cubs team president Theo Epstein has now ended World Series droughts for both the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. Now, he’s going to take on his toughest job yet, president of RadioShack. –Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that the Jets had their locker room swept for listening devices before their recent game against the New England Patriots. The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A lion walks up to a zebra and says... (3%)

A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You’re basically a telemarketer who gets to decide if we occasionally send money to Ukraine (How are we supposed to make stuff up?)

The swamp has somehow begun to drain itself, with nearly 40 members of Congress announcing plans to retire at the end of their terms. Which is very unusual, I mean, some members are retiring because the House and the Senate have become gridlocked by partisanship, but most of them just want to get away from Lauren Boebert and Ted Cruz. That, and avoiding the grind of fundraising for re-election every two years. The unfortunate secret about being a congressman that people don’t know is that you spend most of your time calling and begging for money. You’re basically a telemarketer who gets to decide if we occasionally send money to Ukraine. —Jimmy Kimmel

In other congressional news, lawyers for Joe Biden’s son Hunter told a Republican-led committee that he is prepared to be questioned at their impeachment inquiry next month – but only if the hearings are held in public. Republicans don’t want that. They don’t want it on TV. They’re like ‘if we don’t do this behind closed doors, how are we supposed to make stuff up?’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That is one anger-glazed ham (the first to end world hunger)

“We looked at the calendar today and — check my math on this — I believe we have been off the air for 154 indictments. And, of course, Donald Trump’s mugshot for a third indictment in Georgia. That is one anger-glazed ham.” — Stephen Colbert

“Taylor Swift is potentially dating the Kansas City Chiefs tight-end Travis Kelce, after she was seen cheering him on at two Sunday games in a row. This is all great publicity for the NFL. Mere rumors that Tay-Tay might be at last night’s game-game sent ticket prices surging more than 40%. It used to be that you couldn’t afford to watch Taylor Swift. Now you can’t afford to watch Taylor Swift watch something.” — Stephen Colbert

“But the Swift Lift is not limited to tickets. Her maybe-boyfriend’s jersey saw a 400% spike in sales, and the jean shorts she was wearing are now sold out everywhere. Everything she touches is instantly revitalized, which gives me an idea: Taylor, if this relationship doesn’t work out, is there any way you can start dating one of our nation’s crumbling bridges?” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes (debating an ATM machine)

At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes. –Conan O’Brien

"The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes." –Conan O'Brien July 2013

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Also suspended — the kid who got an A (Oh yeah, I’m really into racing)

After Pope Francis became the first pontiff to address a joint session of Congress today, he went to meet with a group of homeless people. That’s right, he spoke to some people who spend all their time begging for money, and then he met with the homeless. –Seth Meyers

After condemning NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem this weekend, President Trump today tweeted his support for NASCAR. Said Trump, “Oh yeah, I’m really into racing, I guess you could say I’m quite a racist.” –Seth Meyers

A teacher in South Carolina has been suspended after she gave her 5th grade class a homework assignment asking them to justify the KKK’s treatment of African-Americans. Also suspended — the kid who got an A. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor (the option of voting either "Yes" or "Hell yes")

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, "Except for my husband." –Conan O’Brien

A new ballot measure will allow Californians to vote in November on whether to legalize recreational marijuana. Californians will have the option of voting either "Yes" or "Hell yes." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump gave a speech at an industrial plant while standing in front of a giant wall of trash. Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door (I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes)

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman

"The Dalai Lama was down at the White House today to meet President Obama. Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee (See, crime does pay)

"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment center for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation (She broke the Kentucky rule)

“A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor.” —Conan O’Brien

After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments. –Conan O’Brien

“Vin Diesel said that "Fast and Furious 7" will win the Oscar for best picture. He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation.”—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

According to a study, being a new mother is the equivalent of working two and a half full-time jobs (two lollipops)

President Trump is now being sued by a porn star, a reality star, and a Playboy model – or as Trump's evangelical supporters call that, "the holy trinity." --Conan O’Brien

Today Republicans were so outraged at Donald Trump’s comments about war hero John McCain that they almost said something. --Conan O’Brien

According to a study, being a new mother is the equivalent of working two and a half full-time jobs. And, even worse, the boss is constantly grabbing for your breasts. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip (That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in)

Exciting day for President Trump, because he went on a field trip to the Museum of African American History. He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip. –Stephen Colbert

Yesterday 16 states sued the president over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

We know the president has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that Trump played golf each time he went to the golf course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps! –Stephen Colbert

So many democrats are running for president in 2020. It’s like the democratic party has been passing out a mirror that says, “2020: Why Not You?” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cuz we put him in a cage... and he got out. (Bitter, with hints of anger and resentment)

And get this -- the government shutdown might also delay the release of new wines. When asked about how they feel about it, wine makers said, "Bitter, with hints of anger and resentment." --Jimmy Fallon

But it's true -- a marijuana company is giving free weed to federal workers during the shutdown. Some people are questioning if free weed is really what these workers need. But a spokesman for the company released a statement, saying, quote, "We stand with all workers affected by the government shutdown." Then he added, "To be blunt, this is a sticky icky, icky situation that will only end with a joint resolution." He went on. He said, "We hope the pay freeze isn't chronic. It's not like these workers have cushy jobs. And we hope it ends for the next Sunday's next big bowl." And finally he said, "All our buds, hit us up before the free weed's all ganja. Dank you." What a nice guy. --Jimmy Fallon

Today a White House adviser compared President Trump to Houdini, because “if you keep him in a cage, he’s gonna get out.” When asked how he knows that, he said, “Cuz we put him in a cage... and he got out.” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what? Don't bother (What are we doing wrong here?)

January 2023

“Newly elected Congressman George Santos, is already facing calls to resign because of a growing list of scandals, including lies he's told about his family, education, and his work history. Yep, it's odd when a congressman holds up his right hand to be sworn in, and everyone's like, 'You know what? Don't bother.'” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right -- last week, Southwest left passengers and luggage across the country stranded after they suffered a major meltdown and canceled more than 15,000 flights. Southwest said that they were launching an investigation into the meltdown, but then they immediately canceled it.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some movie news. Less than three weeks since its release, Avatar: The Way of Water has already topped $1.4 billion at the global box office. Meanwhile, the Blue Man Group was like, ‘What are we doing wrong here?’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My last name? It's not important. (Not as expensive as bombing it)

"After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Bill Cosby is at 17." –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he's going to run as just 'Jeb.' He said, 'My last name? It's not important.'" –Seth Meyers

"A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27 percent of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie. And only 4 percent of chairs." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Our show is so dead, he’s going to bury it next to his ex-wife at one of his golf courses (Come on, man, my feet are in this one!)

November 2022

“There is a tight Senate race in Pennsylvania, where celebrity doctor-turned-Trump acolyte Mehmet Oz squared off against the lieutenant governor, John Fetterman. Over the weekend, the woman responsible for Oz’s television career, Oprah, endorsed his rival. That’s always how it goes, people: at some point in life, you have to kill the monster you create. Dr. Frankenstein and his creature, Obi Wan and Anakin, parents and their kids.” —Trevor Noah

“Democrats are nervous right now, because they’ve got a lot stacked up against them in this election. Inflation is high, crime is up, pickleball is taking over for some reason, and all of that is sending Democrats into full-on panic mode. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. Here is President Biden at a campaign stop in, of all states, New York, where Governor Kathy Hochul is running an unexpectedly tight race against state congressman Lee Zeldin. That’s how bleak it is looking for Democrats right now: they’re scrambling to salvage a governor’s race in New York. Which is crazy! New York is supposed to be a given for the Democrats. This is like having to beg your stalker to like one of your posts on Instagram – ‘Come on, man, my feet are in this one!’” —Trevor Noah

“Over the weekend Donald Trump said that my show was ‘dead’. Our show is so dead, he’s going to bury it next to his ex-wife at one of his golf courses. You know what’s dead? All those endangered animals your chinless son shot. You know what’s dead? The look in your wife’s eyes when you beg her for sex on your birthday.” —Jimmy Kimmel

 

Not only is it absurd but it is the worst superpower ever (They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere)

"But wait. republican Todd Akin says the female body has ways of shutting this down? Not only is it absurd but it is the worst superpower ever." –Bill Maher

"Todd Akin is getting death threats. They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went birther today. He was in Michigan, where he was born, and he said, 'No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate.' Right, because you weren't born. You have a warranty card." –Bill Maher

"Actually Mitt Romney is worried sick about this hurricane. It could ruin everything. Not because of the convention. Because it's headed straight for the island where he keeps his money." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band (National Girlfriends Day)

And finally, soccer's governing body, FIFA, announced yesterday that it has added a new rule prohibiting goalkeepers from throwing the ball into the other team's net. "Eh, you get used to it," said the Knicks. --Seth Meyers

Today was National Girlfriends Day, so don't forget to send her $130,000. --Seth Meyers

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived.” That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who the hell let him out of his car seat? (or I could steal a car from the Secret Service)

June 2022

“The latest January 6th hearings have been insane, after Cassidy Hutchinson, a Trump aide, testified that the former president hurled his lunch against the wall in anger, lunged at a Secret Service agent and attempted to grab the steering wheel of the presidential limousine so that he could join the rioters at the Capitol. I, too, was shocked to hear that Trump threw any of his food away.” —Trevor Noah

“Evidently, the former president breaks a lot of dishes, which is why his handlers make sure his meals are served only in bucket or edible bowl.” —Stephen Colbert

“I mean you’ve got to admit, though, fighting your own Secret Service agent is genius on Trump’s part — he’s hitting the one person who can’t hit back. Yeah, they can punch back but then they’ve got to jump in front of their own punch.” —Trevor Noah

“When grabbing the steering wheel didn’t work, he grabbed the car by the [expletive].” —Chelsea Handler

“Immediately the agents were like, ‘Who the hell let him out of his car seat?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Not to victim blame, but this is on the Secret Service, all right? You had four years to Trump-proof that vehicle — you knew who you were dealing with. There should have been a toy steering wheel in the passenger seat the whole time. Just let him think he’s driving and go back to the West Wing anyway.” —Trevor Noah

“This whole thing shows you how lazy Trump is. The Capitol is like two miles away. Everyone else walked there. But Trump was like ‘I could walk there, I could walk … or I could steal a car from the Secret Service.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”